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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Hello, I have a hard situation. I suspect that my boyfriend

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Hello, I have a hard situation. I suspect that my boyfriend (fiance) has cheated on me.. in the past. though he will never admit to it. However he is financially supporting me and even sometimes helps my family (my family is in Russia and I am an immigrant here - already a resident- going to UCLA for biochemistry major). also he is planning on marring me and having kids with me. We have been together for 3 years and I am devastated now. I am thinking all the time what our relationship are leading to. why did he cheat.... He is much older then me and has 5 kids from previous relationship. We live together (he bought a nice big house for both of us) and during those years he even tried to make a kid with me. I told him that I am really committed to my school and I m not ready now. Recently I started to think that our relationship is fake. That he is pretending and doesnt really love me. however, he claims different. We had many fights (because I was jealous of some evidence of cheating) and he was willing to break up. but his fights were like for 20 mins. he would say : I am leaving but then.. just will go on the second floor, stay quiet and then we would be ok again. he would say sometimes it is better for me to stay on my own. (because he is much older and I m young) but then he would say that he loves me. Altough he respects that if I would want to leave he would help and support me no matter what. I love him but I cant accept that cheating pattern on him. I cant leave because he is my friend first of all. We have so much fun together. Year ago he installed the app for our phones which allows us to see where each of us is. I asked him once why did he do it, he told me that this way i wont be jealous and i can see where he is. My head is a mess now and school has started. I need a peace of mind. I know his family (his mom loves me) though they live in different state. I know his kids and also my family knows him as well. (my mom and his mom even met one time). What to do?(sorry for my bad english)

I understand your frustrations and concerns. I would like to help.

Do you believe your suspicions are real or could it be due to jealousy?

Do you have solid evidence?

Does his actions back up his words?

I will await your responses, so I can help you better.

By the way your English is not bad at all. It is very good :)
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I believe my suspicions are real because I saw many emails and phone calls and texts. but they were all before. I havent noticed anything recently since i started to attend UCLA. since that time when I got in he changed. He spends lots of time at home and with me. And as i said he got this application on our phones so I can see where is he.

So i dont know if the emails are solid evidence. As one psychologist said until a wife/woman has a real pictures and video there is no videos. I suspect that he might not want a serious relationship but just as sex (though we have great sex and he never complained).

What do you mean about his actions? Actions for what?

So you have seen emails between him and other women? Were they more than friendly?

What I meant by if he backs up his words with actions is for example if he follows through with what he says. If he tells you he will do something does he do it? Do things he says make sense, such as where he was and the times or are there inconsistencies and things that just don't make sense? Does he tell you he loves you and actually show it through action by the way he treats you on a everyday basis?

I hope this helped to clarify.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Yes, totally he shows that he loves me. any of my needs are being satisfied (i dont mean financial but as supportive he is, sometimes sacrificing his time with kids for me). He has been spending lots of time with me, doing things that only a person that loves could do. But yes, those emails only were from him. I havent seen any woman messages. None of them. One of those emails consisted of sex invitation on craiglist when I was in Russia. I have read them and I was shocked. I didnt tell him first but then I showed it to him. He said that he doesnt know anything about it. After that he deleted all accounts... but the thing is I know it was him. though he swears up and down. I just really dont understand him.

Thanks for explaining. This will be my last question then I will prepare my answer. When you came back from Russia and saw those emails how long had you been away?

Thanks for your patience. Just wanted to get a good understanding in order to provide you an accurate answer.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Well, I usually go to Russia for 2-3 weeks no more. That sex ad was referred to the Summer of 2012 when I was gone to Russia. He is never jealous with me. he lets me go to night clubs or anything. Never checks on me. So i had thoughts.. that if he would do smth bad behind my back wouldnt he be jealous? Anyway, i am confused.

I understand why you would be confused since shocking must have been an understatement as to how you felt when you saw the email. Some men have difficulty going without sex for a period of time when their partners are away. But, some men just may look at sexual ads out of curiosity and boredom. They may even respond just to see what happens. Some do without intention to move anything forward even though that is a possibility when messing where on should not. He may have done it for one of these reasons, but never pursued it and forgot about it. It could have been a one time thing. When you found it he was probably embarrassed and afraid to lose you, so denied it. He then erased all accounts in order to prove that it is over.

It seems to me besides the ads you do not have any other basis of cheating. He seems to treat you very good and you both have a good relationship. The fact he is not jealous and let's you do as you please could be a good or a bad thing. I understand your thinking of if he was doing something bad he would be jealous of you and that is true, but with some they allow their partner to do as they please in order for themselves to be able to go out as well without the other complaining. Therefore the fact he is not jealous does not say much about the reasons. Some people are just more liberal and not as jealous. However, I would consider the fact if he allows you to do as you want in order for him to. He may not go out, so this may not apply, but good to take into consideration. This will help you to analyze him and the situation clearer. As I said some relationships are more liberal and some more conservative. There are some couples that would never dream of going to a club without one another while others would. I am just a believer of if we are married or in a serious relationship then we should attend places of such to the best of our ability. When we put ourselves amongst single people we can get stuck in bad predicaments that can make us feel uncomfortable and even lead to temptation even with the best of us since everyone is human. It is always best to prevent what we can to protect our relationships, but like I said some couples are more liberal and they are fine with that.

I know it is confusing and there is no way for me to say if he is cheating or not, but what I can say is that I would not worry about it for now. If you could accept the fact that he may have sent those emails without anything further then I would try to let it go. You may want to have a discussion with him in order to prevent resentment from building. You can let him know that you believe he sent those emails and maybe had a change of heart then got nervous and lied about it. Tell him you are willing to work through it, but would like him to be honest in order to clear the air and build the relationship in order to not hold onto any doubts. From there he may admit it or he would need to at least have a good defense. If he admits it that would be wonderful since you both can move on from there. If he doesn't admit it you still may be left wondering and it is really up to you if you will let it go or not.

Either way if you stay in the relationship I would trust him moving forward if he is not showing any signs of mistrust. However, if he is going out and having opportunities to be with other women then I would look into that and be concerned. If he is going out then I would consider stopping going out for a while yourself to see if he is okay with him not going out as well. Otherwise if you see any strange behavior, such as staying out, more emails, hidden passwords, things he does not matching up with what he is doing and leaving you with doubt then I would be more concerned and discuss this with him. But if you do not see any of these signs I would not worry, but I would make a decision within yourself about if you will discuss the emails from 2012 or let it go. Holding it is will just drive you crazy inside yourself.

The fact that he downloaded that app is good, but again I would not just go based on that. Some people do these things to cover themselves in order to seem honest in order for their partner to not worry therefore question less. But on the other hand could be he truly wanted you to be comfortable and not jealous. The way to know the truth is by analyzing his entire personality. When one is honest and good it will all show through there personality. From what you explained he seems to treat you well and you both are heading in the right direction. He spends time with you and shows you his love. This is wonderful. If he is not being honest or not a good man one can not hide that for long. You will see his true personality based on how he speaks to others as well, if he is an honest man, caring, and compassionate. All of this plays a role in who he is and paints the picture for you as to if he can be trusted or not.

I hope this was helpful and I wish you the best. Please feel free to reply if you need any clarification or have a follow up question.

All the best to you both!

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX i will reply to you later because I need to think about it more.

you told me what I actually knew inside of me.

thinking while being emotionally not stable is not a good idea. so that is why I am all confused.

and you are right.... talking about others.. he is really good and nice and helping. the same way to me.

i believe that he is driven to do sex when i m not around but doesnt pursue. i really hope so.

i will just focus on my school for a while and then i will see.

It is my pleasure to help. Yes, sometimes the answers are within us, but confirmation from another can help. You are right thinking and making decisions while emotional is never good. You have good insight. I will be here whenever you respond. I will be alerted.

Have a good night!

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