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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My fiance and I have not had a lot of physical/sexual contact

Customer Question

My fiance and I have not had a lot of physical/sexual contact with each other (or anyone for that matter). We are getting married soon. We do discuss the sexual aspect of marriage and he seems a bit more confident/willing to consummate the marriage sooner than later as compared with me. I love him and I definitely want to please him. He is not pushy and has mentioned to me that I should do it when I feel comfortable and he doesn't want to put any pressure on me. I am just wondering how do I know that I am not pressuring myself into it just because it'll make him happy? And how reasonable is it to make him wait (considering he is a guy and longing for such contact with me for a long time, especially having never had such an experience with any other woman)? Also, I am just concerned that after I engage in this, I might come to regret it later that I did it too soon or wasn't ready or felt pressured into the decision. How do I avoid this?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
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Dear friend,

You have stated your position and circumstances very clearly.

You say that you are getting married very soon. If that is the case then the best solution would be to save yourselves for the honeymoon night, which will then be remembered forever and appreciated as the right thing to do.

There is only one way to do this correctly and that is to wait until you are married. Once you are intimate there will be no return. Things should be done in their proper order, particularly with apparently old-fashioned (in the wonderful sense) people of the highest character. Keep that intact and you will NEVER regret it.

If you do it out of the order of the scheme of things as you believe them to be, then you may ALWAYS regret it, or at least wished you had waited.

It will be best and most sacred and precious if you wait.

I shall keep you in my prayers for strength and wisdom.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Both of us have a principle to avoid physical contact (of any kind) until after marriage. My question was for an after marriage scenario. The reason why I was even wondering about 'waiting' after marriage is because he and I have not gone through conventional dating so in order to gain more comfort and advance to a sexual relationship, it could be better to spend more time with each other and slowly progress towards such a relationship.


I have known plenty of people who have different morals about waiting. They do not have principles that bind them to an 'after-marriage only' idea. I don't agree with their approach or justification on why they do not wait, but I certainly have a respectful disagreement with them and won't ever come to describe them as low character (while those who waited as the 'highest character').


When I asked this question, I did not state anywhere what my principles are, and in case my principles were different than your response stating it's right and correct to wait until marriage holds no meaning and could possibly come off as offense. All of us are part of community and help each other, so in that spirit I thought of writing this to you.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Daisy,

Thank you for writing back to me. I did not fully understand your particular cultural standards. They are not relevant to me but I believe that IF people hold values and principles they should stick with them.

Of course you should get to know each other better before your marriage. Learn as much about each other as you can, within the limits of your own comfort zone.

When you both attain a level of spiritual and intellectual intimacy with each other, and are able to be as kind to each other as possible through deep knowledge of the other, then you will be prepared for your marriage. If the preparation is still underway after the actual marriage ceremony, then wait until you are spiritually prepared.

I wish you great success.

Warm regards,