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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I want to ask some techniques or ways that can help you keep

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I want to ask some techniques or ways that can help you keep the "spark" alive in a relationship/marriage after several years. In the beginning, it's easy to have the spark due to the newness factor, however it seems to wear down over time. What types of things can help keep the spark alive or rather how can both people work to attain it? In addition, what types of things we can learn about each other during this initial phase that could help keep the spark later on?

I can understand why you would be concerned about keeping the spark alive. You are right many issues surface due to allowing the spark to go and if not protected sometimes the couple doesn't even know what happened.

First off it is good to understand that relationships do change and even though it may feel as if the spark is no longer there due to it not being new any longer it does not mean that there is no longer a connection. It may not have that feeling of butterflies in the stomach, but the relationship will grow and change into a more deeper and meaningful one.

Communication is the key to keep the connection growing and to allow the relationship to grow deeper. Also, sometimes after some time people start to talk to one another differently as well as treat one another not the same any longer. They actually treat and talk to them worse. It is unfortunate, but it happens all the time. People are on their best behavior in the beginning, so it would be important to maintain the level of respect for one another and don't allow that to leave even though it is no longer new. Also, keep the sweet gestures alive as well as date nights.

Things change especially when couples have children, but it is important to make time for one another even when things get busy. We tend to take our partners for granted when we are with them for a while, so it is important to always remind ourselves and our partners how special they really are to us and do not get stuck in the routine.

There is also an issue that comes along with individuals personally from within them. Some people tend to get bored in a relationship and can only stay a short time because they enjoy that spark and fun feeling of the beginning. When someone has this issues it is a problem because the relationship will never always have that feeling, so someone who can not accept that will always be looking for a new relationship because they think their current one is not good. It is good to get to know them well in the beginning as well as information about their past in order to see if this is an issue for them.

Now don't get me wrong even though that "spark" per say does not always remain it does not mean that the relationship is no longer good. Like I said before it actually grows beyond the spark and if the two stick with it the relationship can grow to a whole new level than before. When the two people in a relationship have that bond and deep communication along with mutual respect the relationship turns to something very great and wonderful that only time, patience, and love can create. That is why the "spark" is actually superficial even though it is extremely fun and exciting. I would say in my personal opinion after the "spark" phase comes a slight hurricane. This is really the decider of where the relationship is going, but if the two get past this that is when the wonders begin.

Like I said it is important to maintain communication, time for one another, not take each other forgranted, and continue sweet gestures. Also, do not let resentment grow or have a power struggle rather work to tackle any issues together as a team while also naming the positives about one another. Each is important in the relationship and there should be no game playing for attention. Each should express their true needs and wants and not feel the other is already obligated to know. When we think things should be automatic we can create hurt that should not be there. It is very easy for miscommunication to occur along with hurt feelings. This is why not holding feelings back is important as well as honesty. Remember anything can be said, but what is most important is how it is said.

I hope this was helpful and I think it is wonderful that you are looking into this in order to prepare for a successful relationship. All the best to you and please don't hesitate if I can help further.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for your invaluable insight! Much appreciated :)


Anytime! It is my pleasure :)