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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Ive been feeling a lot of anxiety about my relationship lately.

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I've been feeling a lot of anxiety about my relationship lately. My boyfriend of about 16 months is wonderful. He treats me so well and is sweet and kind and loving. We never fight and always seem to have fun when we are together. However, lately I've been starting to wonder if I am with him because he treats me so well or if I am with him because I really love him. We are starting to get serious, but every time he mentions the future or marriage I clam up and get super nervous. I know that I care about him, but making a long term commitment scares me. I don't want to hurt him but am not sure if he is "the one" or just someone I care deeply about.
Hello. What you are feeling is completely normal and you shouldn't feel bad for it. You may just be on a different time line as he is. There are a lot of factors which come into play, as far as how old you both are, the place you are in your lives, what your goals are, what his goals are, etc. These are all things you need to think about when evaluating your current relationship. If you are still wondering the reasons why you are with him, then it isn't time to make solid plans for the future. You need to be sure that he is the one for you. Being treated well, having fun when you are together and him being sweet and kind are all wonderful factors in a relationship, so you need to decide what else you need to be certain. You do have a lot of things going for your relationship right now which are wonderful, but if you have doubt, then that doubt is important for you to address within yourself. If you are not sure how to address this with him, it depends on how he brings things up and what he brings up. You can be positive and acknowledge his enthusiasm without being rude or hurtful. You can leave the situation open ended and have the anything is possible attitude about it instead of shutting everything down. As long as he is talking about a longer time period down the road and not next week, this should not be too difficult. Explain that all of that is wonderful but it is still a very young relationship at under 2 years and you still have a lot of learning about each other to do. Always remain positive. Try not to stress too much about it, it is ok that you feel this way, just learn how to handle the feelings instead of being anxious about feeling them.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Do you have any tips or suggestions on how to handle these feelings when the anxiety starts to build? I plan on talking to my boyfriend and being honest about my feelings, but I was wondering if you have any ideas on how to avoid these types of feelings in the future?

I'm sorry you had to rate me a poor service. I get penalized for that from Just Answer and may not be allowed to answer any more questions fro clients. I'm hoping you will reconsider your rating.
Giving specific advice goes against policy and is difficult to be able to do online without getting to know you in a clinical setting, so the tips I give you may or may not work for you, as there is no set rule which works for every single person. You cannot avoid these feelings altogether at least at first. It really depends on the very specific conversation you are having with your boyfriend at the time. If your anxiety lies more with how HE feels about your reaction instead of you thinking about your future overall, then you need to train your mind to think about all of the positive things he is doing for you and how your relationship is going. Live in the moment, be happy about having someone who cares for you so deeply. Having the honest conversation you plan on having, may resolve a lot of these feelings in itself and I don't know what his reaction will be, so it is near impossible for me to be specific as to a guaranteed response.
You need to determine what within you will make you feel as if he is the one. What does he have to do for you to also think about marriage and the future? What has to happen for both of you to be on the same page? Are you not wanting to get married at all, are you not wanting to get married so early in a relationship or are your doubts strictly around him as a person? You are the only only who knows the answer to this, as everyone has different ideals about what makes them happy. If you can answer this, you can figure out how to avoid feelings of this in the future, because they will be resolved. You can't fix the problem without knowing the cause. Once you have identified the exact cause, then you can figure out a plan of action to take. Right now, just being honest with him but at the same time remaining positive is going to be your only course of action.
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