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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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This issue seems small but it could have deeper meaning and

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This issue seems small but it could have deeper meaning and would like some perspective. I am getting married soon. A few weeks ago, my fiance seemed excited to have an opportunity to pay for my airline ticket when we travel after the wedding. He and I have not been through conventional dating so I have not known this side of him where males usually pay for 'dates,’ etc. I was really touched with his generosity and excitement was much appreciated. At the same time, I am feeling uncomfortable with him paying for my expense… I do understand that he is going to be my husband and thus it is ok for him to do this, but I just need a little more time into accepting somebody taking care of my expenses in this involved manner (which he wants too). I expressed this to him and he requested me to try and accept it because he would feel really fortunate to want to do such things right after our marriage.


So my question is:

  1. Why is this so important to him? He seemed a bit touchy on the subject, and would have been hurt if I refused. I can understand males feel some responsibility towards ‘taking care of the home and wife’ and this perhaps makes them feel manly or proud, so would he be connecting this simple situation to this idea? Can you explain why this is so important to him?

  2. I know I have been fairly independent and my parents seemed to bring me up with an ideology to not depend on anybody (I don’t necessarily think they were trying to imply I don’t depend on my husband at all). But still because of this, I have some fear inside of accepting such things from him because it’s making me feel dependent and taking me away from my comfort-zone. How should I handle it and perhaps come to accept it? And How can I communicate my feelings to him without him being hurt or disappointed?

  3.  This makes me wonder about our life together. He really seems the type of person who wants to take care of the family financially (he expressed this to me many times when we were getting to know each other). Conceptually, I don’t see anything wrong in this, but now that I actually have to do it practically, it’s making me a bit uncomfortable. Is this normal? Maybe with time I could come to accept it? How can I avoid this ever becoming a ‘problem’ in our relationship later on in life?

Hello. You are right in saying that most men need to feel a sense of responsibility and family and you are very fortunate to have this in him!! This is his issue with all of it. By not accepting his offers, or feeling uneasy about his offers, he feels as though it is a blow to his male ego. As strongly as you feel one way about it, he feels equally excited to be able to take this role.
As far as the idea of dependent or independent, those things change their definition once you get married. As you both join in marriage, it is not you and him, it is you, together. You are not dependent on him at all, you are a team, you are a family, you both take on different roles as people. You do not lose your identity, you do not lose anything at all, you are gaining another person into your life. There will be adjustments. You can certainly come to accept this, as long as you are open to it and change your perspective. I would also discuss this with him in a positive way, explaining to him that you definitely don't want to be offensive to him and that you understand that in a marriage, everything is 50/50. You can avoid it becoming a problem by communicating with each other when issues or any feeling of discomfort arises. Handling any issue in a marriage works with effective communication and honestly.
I think everything will be just fine. Enjoy having a man who is so responsible and having a sense of family and household is a wonderful thing. You will have opportunity to "pay him back" in ways that are not financial. Partnerships are give and take on both sides. There will be an adjustment period, but just work through it as you can.
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