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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My ex left me in january 2012. he wanted kids, im too old

Customer Question

My ex left me in january 2012. he wanted kids, i'm too old to have kids.he knew that, we had been together for 7 yrs prior to him leaving. i was devastated that he left me. since then, i have rebuilt my life, new job, trying to sell my house. However, he contacted me mid Aug last yr and we began to see/ sleep with each other again despite him forming a "relationship" online with an Asian person...he ended this "relationship" recently despite him going to visit her in China in sept. He says he ended it coz he can't get me out of his head. I can't get him out of my head either. He still contacts me everyday and he recently asked me to live with him for a trial period to see if we can still work and if we do, he would want to get back with me...the trial period is up in 3 weeks. I still love him but I am being very cautious in my dealings with him as I believe he will dump me again despite him saying I am his soulmate.... I am 50 later this yr, he is due to be 37 in May. My instinct is telling me to end things and run before he does ( again...) but i do love him and we are still stupidly compatible apart from the having kids thing. On sat night, he said he would live with me and get a dog to placate his need to father something...a dog is not a kid, i know this...i have a 23 yr old..i know the need to have a kid can be overwhelming. Should I cut my ties, tell him it was fun and leg it and form a new life or give this a try ? he was the one who re started the "relationship" with me... I deleted his numbers / facebook etc... I have money and a life, but I love him. Am i being stupid? am i being used ? can u advise please ? at almost 50, i still feel like an inexperienced teen around him despite having gone through a previous divorce from my ex husband and the subsequent blow to my self esteem that that did to me. I'm told i'm attractive and have had other men come onto me but I still go back to my ex...thanks for your advice
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.

I understand how difficult and frustrating this must be. You love him, but at the same time afraid to get hurt. Plus your fears are understandable given what he has done to you in the past.

I am a little confused about the trial period because if he broke up with you why would he want a trial period. Is it for him to see if he loves you enough to be without kids or were there other issues too. This may be something to think about and consider because if he feels you are his soul mate. Then it really is not about a trial period that could help. It is more about him coming to the realization of the situation in regards to not having children.

Every relationship has risks and if you got back with him even if he assured you he is fine with the fact of not having children there are still risks involved. He is now at a time in his life where it may be perfect for him to have children. However, due to the fact he came back shows how much he really missed you and may be able to accept not having children with you.

You are surely not stupid. You are just simply a woman in love trying to be smart about the situation and do the right thing. Unfortunately in your situation there is no clear cut answer. For example if he was abusive I would tell you to run. But you both say you are soul mates, so who is to say that he can accept not having children or not. Not even he may know for sure. It really is up to you if you are willing to take the risks.

Like I said before every relationship has risks. If it is not for this it could be for something else along with other issues and problems different relationships can bring. I think your best bet would be to discuss deeply with him about the issue of having children in order to get all his feelings about it. Also, give him warnings from your experience on children about how it feels, how different from a dog, and etc. See how he reacts to your advice and if he seems confused about what he wants. Next, I would recommend couples counseling and take things slowly. This could help with the relationship as well as help guide you both of where to go from here by discussing with the both of you on a regular basis. There is no need to jump into it especially based on your previous experience with him.

Lastly, you mentioned if you are being used. In order to determine this I would look at his actions. If he takes from you and does not give. Is he looking more into the material aspect of the relationship or does he do his part in that aspect as well. Do you feel his sincerity? Does his actions back up his words? I would look at all of these things to determine if he is truly using you for comfort due to your success.

I hope this was helpful, but please do not hesitate to follow up if I can help further.

I wish you all the best.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank u for your reply. the trial period is indeed for him to see if we can be together again without was at his instigation. the Asian he met would have given him kids in a heartbeat in order to secure a visa and passport to britain but he rejected that as the time she wanted to visit co incided with my 50th birthday and he said he could not be with her coz he would just be wanting to be with me. he gives a lot and does not take from me..never has. I have a v healthy financial background, he knows this. he has never taken a penny from me. In fact, when he left me, he continues to pay for a car i bought in 08, which i remortgaged my house to get us..he owes me 16k sterling and is paying me back every month..if the trial ends, and he leaves me again he has agreed to pay me the market value of the vehicle...10k and pay me the remaining 6k over yrs...i have no doubt he will uphold this agreement. He has never been abusive, I am strong enough to not tolerate that. I do not want to hinder his life, I want him to be happy coz I love him. I understand that if he stays with me there are still risks involved, but my love for him and my selfishness to not be lonely are clouding my judgement...i don't feel real with out him, though I have tried to. and he keeps contacting me. my friends tell me to walk away ...i'm so confused

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for explaining. Everything sounds wonderful in the relationship and it sounds like you both love each other deeply. It does not sound as if he is using you, so I would not worry about that. He is old enough to make his own decisions he is almost 40, so I would not blame yourself for hindering his life. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. It would be different if he was in his 20's, but he is already a grown man. What you should try to decide is mainly if you are willing to take the risks. If that answer is yes then I think you should go on with the relationship if everything is working out in this trial. You are not being selfish if you do that. Since he is at the age he is then it is up to him to make the decision if he is willing to be with you or not. But like I said above have a serious discussion with him while giving your advice about children. This is in order to lessen the risks involved to be sure you both are on the same page and he has thought this through.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thank you for your words...we do love each other deeply, always have since day 1.... i never loved my first husband like i love this guy, never had this connection like i do with this man...even his mum has told him to just be with me and hang the consequenses...but i agree, it's about the risk i'm willing to take...i'm not seeing him for a few days, my going to spain with a female friend for a break...i hope i will feel clearer when i return. i'm a strong woman but love makes fools of us all, right ? i need some clarity....maybe i'll get that soon....she thinks i should dump him before he dumps me some power to him... but she doesn't know what he says to me when we are alone...he says he is empty without me, life is meaningless reflects how i feel about him though, god knows, i have tried not to be with him, i have my pride...anyway, thanks for your kindness and empathy, I will give u a good rating. u have a fascinating job, best wishes

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for your words and I am glad I could be of help. Friends do mean well, but sometimes they do not understand the entire situation. They are looking out for your best and don't want to see you hurt again. This is why they are choosing that route. Only you know how much you love him and the risks you are willing to take. You sound like you love him a lot and besides this issue in regards to children, which is understandable on both sides he is a good man and treats you well. It would be a shame to let that go, but yes reality needs to be faced. Love does make fools of us, but I really don't see your case as such. I see you both in love, but a dilemma blocking you both that neither of you wishes were there. It shouldn't be a power struggle. Relationships should be about working together and not who shows more power. I believe he left not cause he was confused about you, but this issue has to do with his future, so it was probably scary for him. I think your friends are looking at it in a different light, such as if he left you for another woman or etc. Your case is more like people that wish they could be together, but can not due to politics, religion, or etc. Something in that fashion. Things we have no control over, but just need to assume the risks and consequences that come with it if we chose to pursue.

Taking this trip is a good idea. Enjoy your trip and look within yourself. Maybe even consider a little refreshing retreat alone if your budget and schedule allows. Even if it is for only a day! Look within yourself and be true to you about what you really want and what you will accept. Also, lots of communication and discussion with him is important as well.

I hope everything works out for the best and feel free to follow up with me on this thread here even after rating me. You will be in my prayers.

Have a wonderful safe trip!

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
Hi Mary,

I am a bit confused in regards to your rating you left me. I was told by you that you were happy with my service. I hope this was a mistake and I did not offend you in any way at all. I wish you can reply and let me know what I did wrong. I don't understand how our good conversation turned into a poor rating. I would like to help until you are satisfied.