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I am bombarded with all sorts of counter-messages: Dont chase

I am bombarded with all...
I am bombarded with all sorts of counter-messages: Don't chase him, tell him what you feel, etc...

My fiancee and I have been engaged for over a year. We live in separate states. I went to visit him last week. I see him maybe every four to six weeks. This last visit was a four-day visit. We've had a great three months really bonding, so I thought. When I arrived last week, the first two days were great. I remember just thinking how much I admired him and felt safe with him, trusted him. (I have trust issues as my ex husband and last relationship both cheated on me.)

Well, day three, it all went down the tubes. He dropped me off at his mom to visit and unbeknownst to me he went to "mend" a strained relationship with a gal friend of his. I was hurt, but he claimed up and down he just couldn't stand that they were not on speaking terms and had to do something about it. Well, that same day I noticed he had a text from a number that said "Good morning" with a very excited face on it. He said he didn't recognize that number. Funny thing is that night and early the next morning (5am-6am) as well as late the next evening he kept getting texts and denied they were texts. I noticed he started hiding his phone.

Wow, I was torn up. The day of my flight I had to drive 3 hours to the airport, so I got up early and put my stuff in the car. He didn't help. In fact, I could have left and he wouldn't have even noticed. I was so hurt and furious I could hardly speak. All I could think to do was throw his favorite dress that he liked of mine in the trash. He said that was a hateful thing to do. Again, I couldn't express anything and what little I said came out as accusatory...I mentioned the texting he was getting from other girls. He shut down and turned and walked away.

I left. Made the three hour drive to the airport, flew home and five days later have never heard a word from him. He never asked to see if I made it back home again.

I'm so hurt by his uncaring action of not reaching out. I feel like I didn't tell him what made me so angry and hurt and he thinks he didn't do anything wrong. I remember at some point he said that I had to trust him and if I didn't trust him, then I didn't love him.

Do I write everything down in an email and let him know what I was feeling and how I'm feeling now? Do I not do anything? I'm sure I hurt him by flying out the door without kissing or saying good bye and by throwing that dress in the trash. Or maybe he's with someone else and happy that I'm out of his hair??? I would think he would want his ring back. Help.
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Answered in 45 minutes by:
4/2/2013
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Verified
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm very sorry to hear you've had an argument with your fiancée. I wonder if there are underlying deeper issues here that need to be resolved as a) you have trust issues due to previous relationships, b) you're living quite a distance from one another and this will inevitably cause relationships to become strained and c) he has gal friends which has clearly left you feeling hurt - due to his way of dealing with it. The other big issue here is HOW he's dealt with this and your anger has perhaps pushed him to shut down too. Now you are both at polar ends and both potentially feeling hurt, sad and angry - yet you both love each other and have a great connection.

Yes, it would be a good idea to perhaps write an email expressing where your anger and hurt came from - you obviously love him but the way you have felt with this has perhaps been counterproductive and the way he has dealt with this is also very much a case of just shutting down and not responding to you (almost tantrum like).

I'm being brutally honest with you regarding my observations of you both only to help you as you are so angry and sound so confused that I want to shift your negativity and replace it with more practical and positive solutions - I hope that you can see this.

You both sound like very passionate people, however the best way to channel this energy that you have is by putting it to some good solid use - an email that clearly says you're sorry for throwing his dress that he loved so much in the trash, it was a reaction and you hadn't given it too much thought, you could explain that based on your past experiences - his actions with this gal friend seemed to have little transparency and towards the end of your discussion and time together, his behavior was interpreted by you as very cagey and not very open at all - leading you to thinking all sorts of things. Another way to also think about this is that if the tables were turned, his ex's had cheated on him and you had received such texts from a guy friend who lives local etc and you were in this long distance relationship - how might he be feeling right about now? Express this to him - not in an accusatory way but a more calm, thought through way - what do you think? It might help him see your perspective just a little.

It is important though, that if you have evidence that he has been unfaithful to you, that you put things on hold and take some time out to reflect on where things are going. As it stands, it doesn't seem as though there is anything going on but his friendships with girls bothers you and his not being attentive towards your feelings has hurt you immensely alongside the fact he didn't say goodbye etc... This all needs talking through, however in order to achieve this you will need to put some communication his way - via email (as you can write how you feel and re-read to ensure it cannot be misinterpreted before you send it to him).

You will sort this out but it seems he has dug his heels in and your hurt has prevented you from doing anything about it - until now.

I really do hope this is helping and perhaps made you feel a little calmer and with more clarity, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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My best to you, I hope you resolve this soon.
Kindest Regards, Karin
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago


If I reach out to him first, won't that leave me always questioning whether he really cares about me?

Hi M,

If you don't, where will that leave you too? It's a matter of sometime perhaps choosing when to "try" and when to say "enough is enough". Only you can decide and this is about trusting your gut feeling (I hear that you're getting lots of people giving you mixed messages/advice). If you love him, then will it not be worth it? I believe life's too short - it's important to have no regrets, at the very least it will open up communication and you can then discuss openly how hurtful it was for him to not say goodbye to you and how your actions hurt him too.
Another way of looking at this is, what will it take for you to believe he truly cares for you? You would need to tell him this.
My best,
Karin
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Verified
Karin Samms and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Thank you M, for your rating and for the bonus. It is very much appreciated.

I hope that you resolve this soon.
Do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, simply out "For Karin" at the start of any new questions and I will do my best to try and assist and support you.

Take care and hope you both can, at the very least communicate all of this out and take it from there.

Karin :)
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Karin Samms
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
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Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues

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