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Doctor E
Doctor E, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 51
Experience:  I am a Ph.D-level therapist and college professor with a specialty in couples counseling.
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So just a follow up, I've been talking to this other dancer that is interested in me and things have been going well. He is also an escort so we both understand each other that we are both doing this work to help pay for schooling. Now here is the new issue, I told my mother that I met someone while working. Until this weekend she thought I was just a drink server at a restaurant/bar. I didn't expect her to take the hour drive and show up where I work. Anyway she now knows that I dance nude, the problem is getting her to accept that I am doing this to make money. She is also concerned about my safety too. Any suggestions.

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

This is probably a tough one for your mom, not so much because of the nude dancing (although that might be hard for her) but for the issues of safety. She does not want to see you hurt and she expects that if you work in such an occupation that you will be at risk.

Tell her about the good security that they have at the club where you work, and what safety precautions that you take. Let her understand that your own safety is key to your considering working this job.

Explain that you have a boyfriend who looks after you and that this job is not turning you into an escort.

This may not convince her completely, but make sure that you call her frequently so that she knows that you are alright and that you have not transformed into a drug addict or prostitute. Show her that you are still mom's little girl and that you love her and are concerned about her feelings.

It will take a bit more effort on your part, and also the passage of some time, before your mom is over tis completely.

One other thing: do no engage in any kind of conspicuous consumption in front of your mom (expensive car, clothes, jewelry, etc.) because she will only think the worst. Present your best image to her so that everything else appears to be the same. That will go a long way in keeping her focused on the real basic good mother-daughter relationship.

Warm regards XXXXX XXXXX of luck with your studies,

Expert:  Doctor E replied 4 years ago.
Hi there---I'm sorry that Elliott jumped in before I could take a look at this question. Thanks for letting me know that it was up. First of all, I am very glad to hear that things are going well with the other dancer and it is just as I expected, that someone in your line of work might be more willing to accept you for what you do and how you have chosen to make money, I appreciate your follow up question and probably need a little more information about your relationship with your mother to answer your question as best as possible. Also, i dont think i would agree with Elliott's suggestions above that you give her more information about the other dancer you have been seeing, especially since this is a new relationship and I am not sure yet that you want to be offering any extra information to her just yet about the relationship. So, tell me a little about your mom:
- what kind of a relationship do you have with her? Have you always been open and honest with her, especially about your sexuality?
- what do you think caused her to drive to the club to see you? Because you told her you had met someone and she wanted to check him out? How much did you tell her about him?
- what kind of a person is your mom? Is she easy to talk to, down to earth, or more of a worrier? What other details did you tell her about your job?
- are you at all financially reliant on her right now?
- finally, have you ever been through a situation before where she has caught you in any sort of dishonest position?

Let me know and that will help me come up with the best answers for you. Take good care until then,

Dr. E
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have a good relationship with her and have always been open and honest about my sexuality. Though with work I told her I was working at a bar as a server, didn't tell her anything beyond that show she didn't know I was dancing nude.
She drove down to the club because I told her I had met someone and she wanted to meet him. I told her that he was a co-worker and my mother wanted to surprise me at work and meet this new guy.
She worries a lot about me, I think what really got to her was seeing guys at the stage tipping me as I "danced" for them.
I am not financially reliant on her right now but that is why I am also working my jobs.
I have never been through a situation where she really caught me in a dishonest position.
Expert:  Doctor E replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for answering these questions. So here is how I see it. Your mother loves, trusts, and respects you. The image she had of you before now was slightly different. She's now acquired some new information and she's struggling to fit it in with what she knows about you. And naturally, she loves you like crazy and is worried about you. I think the most important thing you can do for her right now is sit down, listen to her, NOT get defensive, and let her tell you how she feels. She wants to feel heard, and you being a reflective listener will show her that you are a mature adult capable of making appropriate decisions about your safety, even if she disagrees with them. You being open and honest and hearing her out will go an incredibly long way. I love that she is excited about meeting this new guy and I think she probably wasn't expecting this to be your line of work when you told her he was a co-worker.

So, she needs big time to adjust. Ask her what she's worried about specifically with regard to your safety. Is it the customers taking advantage of you? The possibility of other shady dealings happening? Reinforce that you love her and you're grateful for her worrying about you, and give her specific answers about how you keep yourself safe at work. Tell her about the policies they have in place there---but also, take it slowly, because this is an awful lot of new information for your mom to absorb about you. Whatever you do, don't shut down. Let her express her worries to you and tell her that you can understand where she is coming from, even if she disagrees with your choice.

Also---be professional about the job, again making her see how mature you are. You can understand that people tipping you can look upsetting, but let her know that you always maintain a level of self-respect for who you are and what you're doing, and that you are still in control of what's happening. It may seem like you're at the whim of the customers but tell her that you always have the upper hand.

Most of all, give her time. Expect that she is going to be upset about this for a while and it comes from a place of love. So don't react or get mad at her.

What do you think? Have you talked to her about it yet? As/if things get more serious with the new guy, it's worth her getting to know him---have a meal or whatever---so that she can see the kind of people you are hanging out with at work are good and safe as well. But don't rush that. These things need to happen in stages.

What do you think? What other questions do you have about this?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So I had a talk with my mother and listened to her concerns and she listened to me also. Her biggest concern is my safety. She questioned how I would defend myself wearing nothing but a pair of socks if someone should jump on stage and try to attack me or do something crazy or how I protect myself from customers during the private nude dances or lapdances. I agreed with her that there is risk to my job but that it is the job of security personnel at the club to make sure that myself and the other dancers are safe.
Anyway I suggested she come in today which she did since I worked the day shift (no classes today) and it's a quieter atmosphere than during the evening. She got the chance to see that there is security for all areas of the club, from the stage, to the private dance rooms, to the dressing room entrance. She got to meet the other dancer I am now seeing and of course see both of us dance.
Yes she still finds it awkward/hard seeing her 18 year old son take off his clothes for the enjoyment of other men she said she is now a little more comfortable knowing what the security is at the club. In fact she said she wants to bring a friend of hers down this weekend who is having a birthday and have me give her friend a dance.
Yes it will take time for her to fully accept that I dance to make money right now but she understands that there is security and why I am doing it.
Expert:  Doctor E replied 4 years ago.
That's terrific. I think it sounds like you have a really wonderful mom who is trying to reserve judgment and be open and positive about you. I also think it was a very good decision to invite her to see the place and the security. I think you have very, very good instincts. Keep me posted!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So my mother and her friends ended up coming this weekend for my mothers friends birthday. Overall they enjoyed themselves. Her friend who was celebrating a birthday got a nude lapdance on stage from myself and another dancer and all my mothers friends enjoyed the time at the club. Though my mother broke down in tears at one point while watching me on stage. I spoke to her after I finished working for the evening and she said what got to her was what she saw me doing on stage, basically spreading my legs, showing my entire body to the customers for tips. I told her its the way I make money and its part of my job but it didn't seem to help. I just want her to feel comfortable with me and the job I'm working. Any suggestions? I know it must be hard for her to see me "dancing" on stage with nothing on.
Expert:  Doctor E replied 4 years ago.
Awwwww. My heart goes out to your mom. I really think the only thing you can do is continue to not be defensive and really empathize with her situation. You're her little boy! She kissed your scraped knees, protected you, fed and sheltered you. I think it's a very hard adjustment for her to see you in this new light. It doesn't mean she won't get used to it but I'm sure she is having a lot of mixed feelings: she is happy you're confident, making money, supporting yourself, and having a good time. But yeah, your job isn't traditional. I think she needs to hear from you that you recognize that. That she is grieving a certain kind of loss right now: this also really shows her that you are no longer just her little boy. Empathy is so key here. Understanding, lots of hugs, thoughtfulness. And yes, it's cliche, but time does help. As time goes on, she'll get more and more used to viewing you in this new light. But some of the shock needs to wear off first.
Doctor E, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 51
Experience: I am a Ph.D-level therapist and college professor with a specialty in couples counseling.
Doctor E and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Sorry for taking so long to get back. Either way long story short both my parents know I dance now plus many other people for that matter. Within the past week the club rented a billboard along the highway and used a picture of me and another dancer embracing wearing nothing but thongs.
Long story short neither of my parents are happy, though my mother is a little more understanding. I still need some ideas on how to deal with this type of thing.
As part of working there I signed a photo release when I first started saying that my photo could be used for advertising purposes in anyway the club wanted to. This is actually required of all dancers at time of employment so using my photo is allowed.
Either way I the other dancer I am now dating through this hard episode with my parents he is supporting me.
Anyway any suggestions would be great.
Expert:  Doctor E replied 4 years ago.
Hi. Congrats about the relationship--that's terrific news. Really happy for you. But yeah, I can imagine your parents' shock at the billboard. Since this has happened, did you speak with your dad about the situation? Did your mom tell him about your job, or was this the first time finding out? Do you think it would be easier for your employment to be one of those mutually-agreed upon issues that you just don't discuss with your parents? Although I will say it might be hard for them, given the billboard situation.

Still, I wonder how much you want to talk about this with them if you've made up your mind to keep working there. Your mom is on a good path to acceptance but now with your dad involved, it really might take more time. You might need to tell me a little bit more about your dad for me to give you some tips. So, is he the kind of person that would want to talk through this, or would it be best to wait for him to cool off, to avoid the issue, and wait for it to blow over first?

Let me know. Either way I'm really thrilled to hear your new boyfriend is supporting you through this...
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes, I can understand my parents shock at the billboard. In fact the first time I saw it I was in shock considering there is now a big picture of me in nothing but a thong along the highway.

To give you an idea of my dad he said that if he ever caught me dancing that he'd pull me off stage in whatever state of dress I'm in and pull me out of the club. That's how adamant he was a few days ago about me not working there. Today though when talking to him he said he'd discuss and listen to my side of the story.

Either way I will continue working there, the management wants me to stay on throughout the summer after school ends for the break and is offering me housing. They also approached me and said they want to make me the "face of the club" meaning using my image in a lot more advertising but I'd be compensated for it.
Expert:  Doctor E replied 4 years ago.
I'm glad your dad is reconsidering his reaction to your employment, but I absolutely would talk to him about them making you the "face" of the club--if he's going to be seeing his son all over the city, he should be a little more prepared for the next time it happens. I really think you ought to ask your dad if he wants to hear about your employment, or if it is something you guys should not discuss, as it's unlikely that he will ever give you his blessing for it. Which is fine, as long as you guys can agree to disagree.

What are you planning on telling him when you tell him "your side of the story"?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Sorry it took me so long to get back. Anyway both my parents came to the club last week when I was working because my father wanted to see what I was doing there. Long story short he wasn't happy seeing me giving near nude lapdances (in a thong) and dancing nude on stage. We discussed what I am doing and he understands I am doing it for money but worries about my image, especially since they are using me on the website and billboards and ads for advertising. Though he also feels if I do things well in the adult industry I could make good money and have a career even though he doesn't really want me doing this. Either way he said if I am going to continue he wants to have me work with an "agent" in the adult industry and try to get some work in film and magazine modeling. I guess I am fine with that and I want to continue this work. Hmmm, not really sure though what to do.
Expert:  Doctor E replied 4 years ago.
It sounds as if you've probably gotten the best outcome that you could hope for, considering the circumstances. Your dad seems reasonable enough about the situation, and I think the next moves are yours, and they are more long-term: what do you see yourself doing with this career, do you want to keep going forward until you pay off your education, and also see how you feel when you are on the billboards and website. I think it's a waiting game now...
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I just wanted to follow up with you since it's been a while. Me and the other dancer have been together since I last wrote and we are both still dancing at the club together. Neither of my parents like that I dance at the club but they understand I'm working this job to pay for school. In fact my mother has brought her friends some for "girls night out". I also just signed with a big name porn company and will be filming a few scenes this summer including some magazine shoots as a way for them to promote me. Anyway just wanted to touch base.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I just wanted to follow up with you since it's been a while. Me and the other dancer have been together since I last wrote and we are both still dancing at the club together. Neither of my parents like that I dance at the club but they understand I'm working this job to pay for school. In fact my mother has brought her friends some for "girls night out". I also just signed with a big name porn company and will be filming a few scenes this summer including some magazine shoots as a way for them to promote me. Anyway just wanted to touch base.
Expert:  Doctor E replied 4 years ago.
Hi, it's great to hear from you, I'm glad to hear things are going well. Let me know if you ever have anything else you'd like to sort through and take good care!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So another issue has come up. My first video has just been released and of course my boyfriend is having a hard time with it seeing that I'm well to say the least with another guy doing things we'd normally do. I have considered asking the company for the next video I'm supposed to do if I could do it with my boyfriend but I'm not sure if my boyfriend would want to do it. Suggestions? I'm under a contract to do a set amount of scenes with this company and my boyfriend knows that and knew what I was going to be doing going into this before I signed.
Expert:  Doctor E replied 4 years ago.
Hi, can you open a new question for this? Thanks.