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"Karin" Hello again from Mitchell, and I am once again reaching

"Karin" Hello again from Mitchell...

"Karin" Hello again from Mitchell, and I am once again reaching out because of this relationship that recently ended. It was a very passionate (but admittedley volatile) relationship that both she and I had put alot of energy into..I am just having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact she has already began a new relationship with someone almost as soon as we broke up. I was aware of the betrayal, and although I am still good friends with my ex-wife and see and talk with her occaisonally, I just don't think I could bear the thoughts of being with anyone emotionally or intimately but my ex-girlfriend, and especially not intimately, which I am certain she has been with the new guy. The fact that he was there at 2 a.m., and knowing that she is a fairly sexual and passionate woman leaves little doubt she has been...and it nearly makes me nauseous thinking about it...I agree counseling will help, but often those things take time to set up and to move through...I need some light shed on this... I figure it is probably a rebound relationship, and those often don't go well, and have their own unique problems...friends have told me that she just probably didn't care as much about me as she portrayed herself to, and that, in light of her past, she may simply be a "player"...although I know you can't pass judgment on someone you haven't evaluated, and you aren't a psychiatrist, but what is going on with this situation? We were discussing marriage as little as six weeks ago, and had bought furniture, and had began making concrete plans...but she seemingly deliberately torpedoed it all with her actions...is there any chance she may began to miss me later, and want to reconcile? I love her, and always felt she loved me, seemed deeply in love with me as others often noted when seeing us together, even if there were some trust issues present...We just seemed to have unbelievable chemistry in every conceivable way...I don't mean to belabor this with you, but you have been very helpful thus far, and I am just having difficulty with it...as you can probably tell, I send things at night when I am at work and on lunch or break...night shift just seems to lend itself to getting things like this on your mind and dwelling on it...any help you can offer, or advice further, is greatly appreciated...thanks again...

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Answered in 1 hour by:
4/1/2013
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Verified
Hi Mitchell,

Of course I will do my best to support you and offer some assistance with this, thank you giving me the opportunity to do so and requesting me.

The effects of betrayal is and can be a huge emotional roller coaster and like you say, if this new relationship is a rebound thing then it possibly may fizzle out or will encounter some kind of problems in the future but one cannot say how long that might take, when or if it will happen.

Her pattern may well be that she becomes frightened of commitment, acts out and then she finds it hard to go back to how things were. You guys were talking about moving in together, of starting a new life together less than six weeks ago and then it all started. Her behavior seemed pretty out of character and she became quite unpredictable in her behavior towards you and your ex wife. There is something going on for her and at fifty something years of age, I'm uncertain whether it is the onset of mental illness but perhaps a bout of uncertainty regarding settling into a regular relationship with you. You clearly are taken by her, care for her still but Mitchell, you need to let her go, this is not going to get you anywhere, she and you have no contact anymore. To now pick up the phone to her will only open up old (still very raw) wounds.

She hasn't it seems, given your relationship much thought and her behavior previously was aggressive and very bizarre. Her past seems full of turmoil, and I believe she is struggling with her own demons.

As I've mentioned before, there is no easy way of letting her go, get some support in place for yourself as soon as you can, I will post links further down in this answer for you, take some time out for you, begin to think about whether you are holding on because its easier to do this or whether its actually more painstaking for you to be going around this over and over in your head and thinking about them both together intimately - this is driving you to despair and upsetting you beyond belief but here's the deal - she hasn't, to date, acknowledged the pain her actions have caused you. This is quite telling and perhaps those that know and care about you are right in that she was never really 100% committed to your relationship together, despite behaving as though she was.

Remember what I said about grieving, you will need to let her go as though she is no longer here. You are by no means belaboring anything, that's what I'm here for, to support you but part of that advice is to tell you truly what I believe will best help you in moving forward again and finding peace internally.

I don't know if she is a 'player', however I do believe she is struggling to commit to anyone- her past also indicates this, and also the types of relationships she's had also highlight that she could have possibly been in relationships for the shock value - all of which are about pushing other people away. (The Christian dating the Islamic man etc..).

Mitchell, move on and begin to live a fulfilling life that is of value to you. This woman does not deserve your care, love and attention. She has made no attempt to apologize for her behavior and you've had to get the police involved - signs something is not right for her mentally or psychologically.

Here are the links if you'd like to consider them:

USA therapists website: http://www.psychologytoday.com/

Another website where you can search for counselors: http://www.nbcc.org/counselorfind

Mitchell, I really do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied. Your question will not close.

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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Verified
Karin Samms and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Hi Mitchell,

I picked up your 'thank you' post. You had put it as a new question, so I closed it as it would go here, so I just wanted to acknowledge and say thank you for your kind words.
I will be here if you need me in the future, for new questions just open a new page and post your new question there, be sure to put "For Karin" at the start of it and this way I will pick it up.

My best to you,
Karin
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

"To Karin"


 


I don't know if she is a 'player', however I do believe she is struggling to commit to anyone- her past also indicates this, and also the types of relationships she's had also highlight that she could have possibly been in relationships for the shock value - all of which are about pushing other people away. (The Christian dating the Islamic man etc..).


 


One last thing, and then please close the question, and I am prepared to begin taking your advice fully: the above were pasted from your response: can you please explain the statement, and also what does the last part indicate; the shock value of certain relationships and pushing people away, because she and I argued long and hard about this one particular issue, which she seemed almost proud of (dating the Islamic man)and which she seemed to keep secretive for some reason, and she always showered superlatives on the man, even knowing how I personally felt about the issue of differing religions, especially Islam since 9-11, although I try to not be prejeduiced toward anyone...thanks again and best of luck...Mitchell

Hi Mitchell,

Of course, I'm more than happy to explain:

I believe she is the type of person that, due to whatever may have gone on in her past, finds it difficult to fully commit to a man. You've discussed in previous posts, how she has had many different relationships - none of which have lasted I guess, I'm wondering if this is a pattern for her. The shock value may be how she gets a response from people and attention (albeit negative in some ways), it makes her feel better about herself, hence shock value is better than nothing at all. She comes across as a woman who likes to be in control - love 'em and leave 'em comes to mind. In terms of her pushing people away - she's learnt through perhaps her own upbringing to not get close to people and hence she repeats these patterns in her adult relationships too. The fact that she threw such superlatives regarding the Islamic man at you highlights this as she knows it may offend some (as clearly we know how all humans of any particular race are not the same), she wanted to create such shock and elicit such reactions in you or others.

She has now moved on to the next guy who potentially will be treated in a similar fashion.

I hope this has answered your query.

Best wishes and I have faith and believe you will have the strength to move forward from this experience,
Karin :)
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Verified
Karin Samms and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Thank you for your rating and bonus, it's very appreciated.
Take good care of yourself.
Karin :)
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Karin Samms
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Category: Relationship
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