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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2189
Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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I have been dating this guy for 7 years. Like any relationship

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I have been dating this guy for 7 years. Like any relationship we have had our ups and downs. We rarely get into major arguments and I feel that we get along really well. There has been one major cloud hanging over our relationship and that is the fact that my parents don't accept him because of his race. My father hadn't spoken to me for 4 years. 3 years ago he up and left me because he said that it was really bothering him and he couldn't do it anymore. We were apart for 3 months and during this time he dated someone else. However, he came back and said that I was the one for him and that he was 100% sure of this. He said he would never hurt me like that again and he would do whatever it took to make this relationship work. It seemed that we were more in love than ever before. It did take me a while to get past the fact that he dated someone else, however I did not throw it in face.

Well here we are 3 years later and having a similar problem. Recently a lot of my other family members have been in inter-racial relationships and they bring their significant others to family events. So he has seen the pictures and is hurt because he doesn't understand why my parents don't accept him. Everyone else in my life loves him (family and friends) but he seems to be hung up on my parents acceptance. Anyway, he said it was bothering him since December and he didn't know if he could do it anymore. So at this point I had a heart to heart with my mother and she said she would like to meet him and then we can work on my father (this was two weeks ago). He was overjoyed and so was I. Everything went back to normal for the first couple of days then he started distancing himself from me. He went away for a week with his dad and for the first 4 days I didn't hear from him. Finally when I heard from him he told me that he was thinking. He said that since December he had been distancing himself from me and our relationship. He said that when he heard my mom wanted to meet him he was so excited because this is what he always wanted but when he came by me he started to wonder if this is what he really wants. I am bit confused because I don't understand how someone can say they are distancing themselves when they are still sleeping with you and telling you they love you and going through the motions.

Anyway during his thought process he said he decided this is not what he wants and that he doesn't see himself here. I am really heartbroken by this and feel a little betrayed because he backed himself out of our relationship and strung me along thinking we were ok. I honestly felt that this was our time and things were going to be even better between us since we had the major breakthrough with my mom. Now I am just confused and heartbroken. I haven't called him or spoken to since our conversation 4 days ago. What makes it even harder is that both his family and my family are hurt by his actions.
Hello and thank you for using our service,

Well...this is a disturbing situation. I can understand your confusion which seems to be a direct result of HIS confusion and inability to be clear with you (and himself).

Here's the thing have no control over his thoughts, feelings or actions. You have done the right thing by not calling him. But you need to be true to yourself. Just as you so eloquently stated here, right him a letter with these thoughts and feelings. Let him know you are not ready to give up on this relationship. Ask if he will consider couples counseling so that a middle person can help make communication clearer and get to the bottom of his feelings.

If he says no,....then, you will need to let go of him. It will be hard and you may want to talk to an individual therapist to clear your mind. You must use positive affirmations to counteract any negative self-talk that is seeping in and bolster your self-esteem. For instance, "I did the best I could in this relationship. I am a good and lovable person. I have many positive traits including ___."

Remember, this is a loss as sure as if he had you are going to go through a grief process. You will feel denial, anger, sadness...all at once. You will be healed once you are adjusted to the situation and have moved on.

I hope this helps and warm regards
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks. Right now I feel like I don't have anything left in me to give. I feel like he made a major decision that affects both of our lives on his own and that is really unfair. I was going to recommend that we do therapy so he can learn to communicate better but this was before we broke up so I never got a chance. I am really not sure what I even want at this point. Can I really be with someone who can't communicate with me for the rest of my life??? We went through this before and he promised to do better but here we are again. I honestly know that there is nothing wrong with me, I am a good person and I have been good to him. His mom wants to sit with the both of us so we talk, I will see how it goes. But like I said, at this point I don't even know what I want. I know I love him but I am tired.

Hi again Jane,

So it seems that you may be beyond the "request for counseling stage". You are asking yourself the right questions....can I do this for the rest of my life?. It is best to go forward with knowledge that other person may not change. I am also glad to hear that your self-esteem is strong and intact.

I wish the best for you....and don't forget this is the time for very good self care....get a massage maybe.
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