Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

I have been dating this guy for 7 years. Like any relationship

we have had our ups...
I have been dating this guy for 7 years. Like any relationship we have had our ups and downs. We rarely get into major arguments and I feel that we get along really well. There has been one major cloud hanging over our relationship and that is the fact that my parents don't accept him because of his race. My father hadn't spoken to me for 4 years. 3 years ago he up and left me because he said that it was really bothering him and he couldn't do it anymore. We were apart for 3 months and during this time he dated someone else. However, he came back and said that I was the one for him and that he was 100% sure of this. He said he would never hurt me like that again and he would do whatever it took to make this relationship work. It seemed that we were more in love than ever before. It did take me a while to get past the fact that he dated someone else, however I did not throw it in face.

Well here we are 3 years later and having a similar problem. Recently a lot of my other family members have been in inter-racial relationships and they bring their significant others to family events. So he has seen the pictures and is hurt because he doesn't understand why my parents don't accept him. Everyone else in my life loves him (family and friends) but he seems to be hung up on my parents acceptance. Anyway, he said it was bothering him since December and he didn't know if he could do it anymore. So at this point I had a heart to heart with my mother and she said she would like to meet him and then we can work on my father (this was two weeks ago). He was overjoyed and so was I. Everything went back to normal for the first couple of days then he started distancing himself from me. He went away for a week with his dad and for the first 4 days I didn't hear from him. Finally when I heard from him he told me that he was thinking. He said that since December he had been distancing himself from me and our relationship. He said that when he heard my mom wanted to meet him he was so excited because this is what he always wanted but when he came by me he started to wonder if this is what he really wants. I am bit confused because I don't understand how someone can say they are distancing themselves when they are still sleeping with you and telling you they love you and going through the motions.

Anyway during his thought process he said he decided this is not what he wants and that he doesn't see himself here. I am really heartbroken by this and feel a little betrayed because he backed himself out of our relationship and strung me along thinking we were ok. I honestly felt that this was our time and things were going to be even better between us since we had the major breakthrough with my mom. Now I am just confused and heartbroken. I haven't called him or spoken to since our conversation 4 days ago. What makes it even harder is that both his family and my family are hurt by his actions.
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 29 minutes by:
3/24/2013
Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2,189
Experience: Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
Verified
Hello and thank you for using our service,

Well...this is a disturbing situation. I can understand your confusion which seems to be a direct result of HIS confusion and inability to be clear with you (and himself).

Here's the thing though....you have no control over his thoughts, feelings or actions. You have done the right thing by not calling him. But you need to be true to yourself. Just as you so eloquently stated here, right him a letter with these thoughts and feelings. Let him know you are not ready to give up on this relationship. Ask if he will consider couples counseling so that a middle person can help make communication clearer and get to the bottom of his feelings.

If he says no,....then, you will need to let go of him. It will be hard and you may want to talk to an individual therapist to clear your mind. You must use positive affirmations to counteract any negative self-talk that is seeping in and bolster your self-esteem. For instance, "I did the best I could in this relationship. I am a good and lovable person. I have many positive traits including ___."

Remember, this is a loss as sure as if he had died....so you are going to go through a grief process. You will feel denial, anger, sadness...all at once. You will be healed once you are adjusted to the situation and have moved on.

I hope this helps and warm regards
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Thanks. Right now I feel like I don't have anything left in me to give. I feel like he made a major decision that affects both of our lives on his own and that is really unfair. I was going to recommend that we do therapy so he can learn to communicate better but this was before we broke up so I never got a chance. I am really not sure what I even want at this point. Can I really be with someone who can't communicate with me for the rest of my life??? We went through this before and he promised to do better but here we are again. I honestly know that there is nothing wrong with me, I am a good person and I have been good to him. His mom wants to sit with the both of us so we talk, I will see how it goes. But like I said, at this point I don't even know what I want. I know I love him but I am tired.

Hi again Jane,

So it seems that you may be beyond the "request for counseling stage". You are asking yourself the right questions....can I do this for the rest of my life?. It is best to go forward with knowledge that other person may not change. I am also glad to hear that your self-esteem is strong and intact.

I wish the best for you....and don't forget this is the time for very good self care....get a massage maybe.
Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2,189
Experience: Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
Verified
Dr. Bonnie and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Dr. Bonnie Your Own Question
Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2,189
2,189 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.

Dr. Bonnie is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,720 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

338 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
It's been 4 days now without contact. During the night I
It's been 4 days now without contact. During the night I began to realise that K will never change her mind. She broke with an email and said in it that if I cared for her I would respect her decision… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Hypothetical but it happens: I see this all the time, what
Hypothetical but it happens: I see this all the time, what to do in this situation? Husband has not had sex with wife in over 10 years but keeps track of any potential romantic behavior and interferes… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
I ONLY WANT THERAPIST Oh Boy Again! Wait til you hear this
I ONLY WANT THERAPIST JENOh Boy Again! Wait til you hear this one.... it's back to Darcy my favorite ...So last night I stopped by a local sports bar for a beer... I've been taking a “Heart Break” and… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I started talking to a girl on a dating website about three
Hi. I started talking to a girl on a dating website about three weeks ago, and we've been on 2 dates so far. I REALLY like her - she's sweet, cute, fun...but last week, after our second date, I went t… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I decided to mutually path ways 4 days ago
My boyfriend and I decided to mutually path ways 4 days ago because of his career choices and my family issues. 2 days after the pathing, he visited me at my house and we agreed that all we experienci… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
For expert: today I am arriving at his city and stay for two
For expert Martin: Hi today I am arriving at his city and stay for two weeks. I haven't contacted him since that grumpy message probably because I m not happy that he was avoiding me. Now can you give… read more
Martin
Martin
Electrical engineer
Bachelor's Degree
486 satisfied customers
I was only conceived for the mental health of my elder
I was only conceived for the mental health of my elder sister who was a mistake. Is this a reasonably normal background please?… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I went though my girlfriends phone and she was watching me
I went though my girlfriends phone and she was watching me to see what I was going through and looking at and was wondering if that's a red flag .She said she just wanted to see what I was looking at … read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
I am looking for some unbiased help on my relationship. She
i am looking for some unbiased help on my relationship … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My wife and I have been married 40 years. In sorting photos
My wife and I have been married 40 years. In sorting photos I noticed while organizing our old photos that she kept a number of photos (7 or 8) of an old boy friend. She dated him off and on for about… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
446 satisfied customers
I am a 38-year-old male and work full-time in
Hello I am a 38-year-old male and work full-time in law-enforcement. Over five years ago I met a woman through my work and her daughter was 11 at the time. She was with somebody then so I thought noth… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My girlfriend and I were dating for around a year and we
my girlfriend and I were dating for around a year and we attend the same church . We had both been out of long term relationships and healed each other before forming our own relationship. We were going great and madly Inlove .her behavior was amazing towards me with no signs of changing for the worse up until November 2017 we were having these tiny but annoying arguments mostly caused by me and my trust issues I will admit . So I called her one morning to make up for an argument we had the night before and she suddenly tells me she doesn't love me anymore and she does not want the relationship anymore . I freeze but go about the usual desperate plead and beg route which made her even more upset . We attend church that Sunday and when she sees me she feels the love again and we speak normal for 2 weeks not officially together yet but making moves she evens sends me a detailed email telling me how impressed she is and it will help us going forward . I push to hard the next day of this email and upset her all over again. That weekend before Christmas 2017 she goes totally cold towards me and destroys me in a phone call and tells me I am obsessed with her etc. she drops me a further bombshell the week of Christmas by telling me she is going to meet her ex for breakfast and I need to be mature about it . I decide then and there I am done with this and I cut off all contact with her . No calls or texts and emails . So about 2 weeks go by and she sends me a text ‘hey you have just crossed my mind hope you are well' I respond 5 hours later with ‘I am well . Hope you well,take care' the next week she sends me a pointless text to which I just respond with thank you and this week she sends me a long detailed apology email informing me that she is sorry for pain she had caused me and I am truly a great guy and she doesn't understand why she had so much built up anger toward me and till this day she can't seem to know why she got so upset with me and she doesn't deserve me etc . I responded with a simple thanks for the apology and she said she does not know why she took so long to apologize something just held her back . I don't hate her at all it not in my nature to hold grudges but this girl ruined my holidays and told me really hurtful stuff while she was out having a blast . And now suddenly she feels apologetic. Please advise … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I get incredibly jealous
Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I get incredibly jealous when they mention or are with hanging other guys. (I'm a 20 year old guy) I don't know why though, I don't like getting jealous but I can't hel… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
If he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, why
If he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, why doesnt he leave instead of giving me false hope?… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My boyfriend has depression, sleeps most of the time, is
My boyfriend has depression, sleeps most of the time, is awake when I'm not with him, doesn't want to sleep in the same bed because he wants to stretch out, be alone, and most recently tells me that I… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
If you are there I would like to describe the situation,
Jen, if you are there I would like to describe the situation, which I asked you about yesterday, in more detail as I would value your opinion.… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated
second opinion] Hi. A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated very casually before he moved about 1 ½ years ago to California from Ohio & since then we really didn't stay in touch. … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting with another guy while I was talking to my current boyfriend. I never told him and tried to hide it. Now he knows and is questioning my trust… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x