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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7626
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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I am 63 year old man with insecure anxious preoccupied attatchment.

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I am 63 year old man with insecure anxious preoccupied attatchment. I have been in hot and cold relationship for 4 years with a woman who is avoidant, and has a long history of failed relationships. We started dating while I was going thru divorce from wife of 40 years. I have severe doubts ( and so does my therapist ) that this relationship has a reasonable chance of survival. I am working on my issues, while she is comfortable with hers, though she recognizes she has bagage going back to early childhood when she was severely abused by her mother and not protected by her father. We do not fight. I am more doubtful as time goes on that she can become the affectionate, fully engaged woman I fell in love with. How do I know when it is time to leave ?
-- When is it time to leave? Yesterday.

The moment you are convinced that this isn't going to go the distance and yet you let it continue, you become the 'user'. Whether you're using it for convenience or for lack of anything better to do right now, the fact that you know in your heart it's not what you want or need would indicate that the healthiest next step is to end it.

That's what is fair to you; to the woman and to any potential future mates for both of you who stand no chance or opportunity while you are both involved with each other.

It's a sad and tragic thing that this woman has baggage she won't put down and walk away from with help from counseling and therapy, but her life isn't yours to live anymore than yours is hers.

When it's clear inside of yourself that helping her carry this baggage for the rest of her days isn't what you want to sign up for in a relationship (and I don't blame you by the way) then the right thing is let her go. Or at least let yourself go.

The longer it continues, the harder the ending will be and the more resentment she'll feel about you wasting her time and getting her hopes up.


And the botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you aren't truly moving forward with your life at all while holding onto an anchor like this. Best to let it go and pick up a balloon. Find a lady who is at this stage of life with the same insights and adjustments you've found for yourself.

Not a human on planet earth has had a perfect life - what we do with the imperfections, even when they are horrible, terrible, criminal things ... makes us either stronger or pigeonholes us as victims forever. It's our choice. And very often we need support and professional guidance to teach us how to get past it.

You've done all the right things. Now it's time to do this one more right thing.

To eliminate all doubt though, tell her that you want her to get counseling, therapy and find her heart and her voice again. Be honest with her that if she doesn't, you can't stay and invest more days into a relationship that is not all you want and deserve.

Her answer, her next move, will make your future clear.

Good luck and good life,

Rev.Dr. August Abbott and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dr. Abbott, "Yesterday" that was good, and to the point ! You gave good support for the advice. Your advice was not unlike the advice I got from my therapist and so it did not surprise me. The fact that I was married for 40 years demonstrates the degree to which I am willing to work on a relationship before giving up but I am running out of gas ! I want more than anything to enjoy a healthy relationship just once in my life and I am running out of time. Thanks.

Thank you for your kind words. I can tell by your eloquence and dedication to finding your footing in a new, unfamiliar situation rather than taking to the inside of your home and becoming a recluse, that you are intelligent and vibrant.

63 is oh so far from an empty tank these days. Remember, by staying active and busy you're a moving target and much harder for God or fate to 'catch'.

However, yes, at this side of the mountain there is little time to waste in misery or unhappiness.

So follow your heart and trust yourself when it comes to visualizing yourself 10 years from now and who you're with.

You do not 'need' anyone, but sure, the journey can be nicer when shared with someone of like mind and cut from the same cloth.

Don't rush anything, but keep those doors open


It's been very nice talking with you