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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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my husband is impulsive but is trying to change ,,,,,,,he does

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my husband is impulsive but is trying to change ,,,,,,,he does really good for 2 months and then fails,,,,he will name call ,,,he was name called from his dad in his childhood,,,,he has the tools to change but doesnt seem to stay on track,,,,what is going on here.....he realizes he is the problem....he always makes me feel good about myself....doent put me down but sometimes when weare in the middle of arguing he at that moment will say its my fault that he said a bad word to me but i always stand up for myself and i never give in....i always follow my heart,,,,,,when things calm down thats when he realizes it was his fault with the way he spoke to me....he apoligizes and says he knows he can change this behavior but it seems to be happening every 2 months....he says ts his problem and not mine.....he doesnt tell me what to do....doesnt order me around,,...always says please and always compliments me everyday but he sometimes does get jealous if a man looks at me or gives a compliment but he doesnt get more jealous than that,,,,,,what advice can u give me .....thanks
Thanks for your question.

I can certainly understand your concerns about your husband, however it does seem like he is taking this problem seriously which is a great sign. If these are behavior patterns that have been in his life since childhood, it's going to take some time to completely free himself from those things. Because of that, it's not uncommon for someone to continue to struggle periodically, which may make it appear that he is temporarily regressing, or that he is not using the tools that he has been given.

In most cases, as long as someone like your husband remains dedicated to making improvements and working with his therapist, these incidents will continue to get further and further apart. Part of the problem is that your husband is likely responding instinctually during those problematic times, which is why he is able to see it in retrospect, but not in the moment. You are right to not back down, and it is good that he is able to take ownership afterward.

It takes a lot of time an energy to break some of those negative responses that he has always resorted to. Even with the proper tools, getting past this often can sound a lot easier than it is. It does seems like your husband is dedicated to the process, and is trying to take responsibility for it. It also seems like you are responding to this properly. If you've noticed the same pattern happening every two months, it may help to point that out to him so that when it happens again, he is able to identify that and handle it differently the next time. Otherwise as long as he keeps working on this, there does seem reason to be encouraged that you will continue to see improvements.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Professional therapist
Ryan LCSW and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

what would u call this and why does he say at that moment that its my fault and then afterwards says its his fault,,,,,,is he trying to control....manipulate

It sounds like this is mostly due to him being unable to always handle his anger properly. It is possible that he is trying to control or manipulate, but sometimes when people get angry or defensive their instinct is to lash out or blame the other person, even if it doesn't necessarily make sense at the time. If he doesn't seem to generally be a controlling or manipulative type of person, then it is more likely due to that struggle he is having to manage his anger/frustrating in a healthy way.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thanks ryan but i dont understand the anger/fustrating part in the last sentence

I just mean that from what you described it sounds like he is having a problem managing his anger and frustration properly, rather than being manipulative.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

0k i understand,,,,,,,,do i only pay a one time 15 dollars and then free for about when i want to cancel

Sorry, I don't actually handle any of the billing or account information, you may have to contact customer service for that.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

0k .....he has pushed me a few times....grabed me by my neck but he admits its his fault and is trying to change that to....the last few times we argued he stayed n control....what do u call this....abuse or impulsive....and he doesnt see a therapist anymore....he doesnt want to go again cause he says there gonna tell him the same thing and he says he knows what to do and he says he knows he can do this cause he was in worse situations as a teenager until the age of 25 and managed to change it.....what do u think

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