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Hi. Im feeling really terrible and dont know what to do. I

did a childish thing to...
Hi. Im feeling really terrible and dont know what to do. I did a childish thing to my partner. We are both divorced, he has 3 children and I have 2. Our relationship was on the rocks for the past 2 months, I was having insecurities about us so I set up a "trap" for him with a wrong phone number, and he took the bait. It was a really childish thing for me to do, and I wish I hadent. He said he knew it was me the whole time but wanted to see how far I would take it, and now that he knows, this was the push he needed to walk away from this relationship. Him and I really loved one another, or so it seemed that way. We have been together for 1 year and 2 months but the last 2 months were a little rocky. I thought I would be strong enough to walk away after testing him, but I'm not. I love him. Now it has been almost a month and he says he is confused and does not know if he wants to come back. He says he is going to focus on him now because he always tried to make me happy and that never worked so now its his turn. After apologizing several times and receiving little to no feed back, I stepped back. My kids ask for him constantly and I'm sure his do as well. They loved me tons. After I decided to step back, It has now been over a week I have not heard from him at all. I really thought this man loved me. Although what I did was not right, I dont think its unforgiveable. I feel miserable without him and cannot understand how he just stepped away from us like this and does not reach out to me. Any advice please
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Answered in 43 minutes by:
3/7/2013
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Verified
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this at present, he really didn't like what has happened and if things were in a bad way initially then this has thrown him off wanting to try and make things work within your relationship. I'm sorry to hear he's not communicating at all with you, this would make it hard for you as it's difficult to resolve things with him not contacting you. I wonder if you've tried to email him, this could be the only way that you could express to him how much you really love him, regret doing what you did and explaining the reason why you did it might be a good start in trying to - at the very least, get him to understand your rationale behind what you did. He needs to feel reassured that you are keen to make changes and are willing to do what it takes to sort this out. If your relationship was on the rocks prior to this incident, is there any chance you both might at some stage consider couple counseling? If he contacts you and you both are willing to go and speak to a professional it could help to try and understand how you both progress and work together to change things (of course, this can only happen if and when he talks to you, but it's something to keep in mind).

Nicky, you made a mistake and we all make mistakes, we're only human. He hopefully will calm down and try to approach you when he's ready to do so. It might also help if you can understand why you have these insecurities in the first place as it has impacted upon your relationship and future with your partner. There is no one way that will make him talk to you, but positive approaches might include emailing him with real feelings and thoughts about how you could work on your insecurities and how you desperately love and miss him, additionally, you could continue giving it a little while longer, I know you've already been quite patient but who knows, he may well be testing you to see if you will respect his wishes? If he doesn't respond to your email even after a couple of weeks, then that would be an indication that he's really struggling with forgiving you and returning to your relationship - and if that's the case, you will find a way to let go and move on, but that's not the case yet- perhaps not until you feel you've demonstrated and exhausted all avenues.

I hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Hi. Funny you mention the email because I took this approach already a week ago. I wrote a very sincere, heart felt email to him explaining my insecurities, why I did what I did and how much I'm willing to work on us. His response was very vague. He replied " wow I wish I would have heard this months ago, but nine the less it was nice to read. Thank you". I suffer from anxiety disorder so he has gone with me to my therapies and we have had some therapy about ourselves as well. Everything wa ok until early January and well now this. He has spoken to my mother and expressed how much he misses her and how much his kids do too, but is very bland with he communicates with me. He does not show me he misses me when we have communicated. As I mentioned, now I decided to lay off since I truly feel he knows I'm sorry and willing to make this work. I'm beginning to feel maybe this was an opportunity for him to leave. I don't know where all the love is anymore
Hi Nicky,

It's good to hear that you've tried this as it'd be an important way forward. Since you have already tried this, the only observation one can make from this is that despite his missing your family etc. he's not willing to try any longer. This comes across with the way he chooses to not express any feelings around you yet he's ok with showing his feelings for your mother and others etc. the only option you have is to perhaps try and leave it a little while longer or perhaps ask him - via email - if he'd be willing to meet up for a coffee just to chat and see how things feel to talk to one another with no strings attached. What do you think Nicky? I'm truly sorry for what you're going through, i can only imagine how you might be feeling knowing that you love him so much, but you will need to take care of yourself in all of this and social anxiety disorder means that even going for a coffee may be hard for you, but it might demonstrate to him how much you are willing to try - for the sake of your relationship (if you felt this was realistic and not too anxiety provoking?). On the other hand, if he was realistically looking for a way to get out of the relationship, then he's found an excuse (although I'm not feeling this as yet, I feel it's more the case that he's really hurt by the actions and unable to forgive and forget - despite knowing how sorry you genuinely are).

I hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
--------------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Verified
Karin Samms and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Hi Nicky,
Thank you for rating my service and for the bonus, it's very much appreciated.
If there's anything further I can support you or assist you with, please don't hesitate to ask.
For any new questions, please put "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my best to respond as promptly as possible to you.
I hope things go well and you get to resolve this soon.
My best to you,
Karin :)
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago


Hi Karin,


 


I need your help again if you can. A few things have happened since and im still back to square one, in limbo. Well for starters, I had the opportunity to speak with him face to face. On one account he met me at my house and we just had a "silent night" if you will. Meaning, he spent the night, no intimacy, we just hugged from the moment I opened the door until he left for work in the morning. we just enjoyed each others company for one night and did not speak about anything at all. Then 2 days after that, I invited him to meet for lunch and he did. I apologized to him again, but calm and collectively, no tears, and expressed to him how sorry I was for my immaturity and I was still very much in love with him. He accepted my apology, got very tearful when I told him what I had to and told me he would like to continue to see me and just speak, not about anything in particular but just talk, and no more "im sorrys". I agreed and left thinking things were on a positive note, however this was on a thursday and I did not hear from him again until the following wednesday that he asked me to lunch again. This was very hurtful for me. It has been over a month and 2 weeks since our split. After I met for lunch with him on 2 occasions and saw he was taking a friendly approach, and taking things very very slowly, too slow for comfort, I finally approached him on our 3rd lunch encounter which was actually yesterday. I told him i was not interested in being his friend. I explained our lunch in's hurt me very much and he was giving me little to no feed back. I explained that I was at peace with myself because I knew I had done everything possible from my end to express i was sorry and willing to work on us but If he was not willing to move forward with our relationship, then we had to go our seperate ways. My children are beginning to ask less about him and I told him i did not want them to adapt to him not being around, only to have him come back whenever he was ready, if ever. The only thing he said was that he never said he wanted to be my friend and I argued that no he did not, but he hasnt said much of anything either. We finished lunch and he did not say a word after. He seemed a bit in shock but... he let me go. He walked me to my car and said, okay bye, I kissed him on the cheek and said thank you for lunch, and that was that. Is this his way of letting me go? I feel that although I am trying to get answers and not stay in limbo with our relationship, I still got no answers and was left in the same predicament. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks

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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Hi Karin.

Wouldn't you take his silence yesterday as his answer? He let me go. I just feel as if I finally gave myself the respect I deserve and told him what I had to and he said nothing. I don't think I should further contact him. I don't know ...
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Karin Samms
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues

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