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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5824
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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hi i was on a little trip out west a few weeks ago and i met

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hi i was on a little trip out west a few weeks ago and i met a guy . we've been in constant communication since and he wants me to come back out which works better for me right now rather than the other way around. im in the middle of job hunting and stuff
anyway we re in our late 4os early 5o . we talk about general stuff , i try not to do long chats . i dont want to feel like im dating over the phone . he sometimes veers off to do sexting which im cautious about . ive only kissed him nothing more and talking about other sexual stuff or sending him my panties feels strange to me.am i proceeding corectly . how do i pace it on the phone . he asked me to b his GF and talks about a future with me . how do i veer if off the sexual stuff without him getting offended . i just cautious he my only want a sexual fling once i get there i need imput on direction . as i want to keep moving fowad with him and im not looking for a FWb or fling thing thanks
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

There could be three possibilities here. One, he is trying to test you to see if you will respond sexually to him. Some men have very active sex lives and feel that sex is a big part of a relationship. And if you respond in kind, then he knows that he can be sexual with you immediately. Two, he is interested in sex only in the relationship. Some people will get to know you but their main focus is to have sex. The anticipation during the "getting to know you" phase only builds on their sexual feelings. Thirdly, he is a sexual deviant and there is something psychologically wrong with him. Bringing up sex this early int he relationship, especially in the way he has with you, may indicate an issue with him, one that is harmful to any type of relationship.

It is ok for you to tell him that you are not yet comfortable enough with him to discuss sexual thoughts or feelings. You are half of the relationship so telling him your boundaries is just as important as him expressing his needs with you. Telling him now about what you feel also will give you more information about who he is by how he responds to your request. If he does back off, then you have a better idea that he does respect your feelings and will listen to you in the relationship. However, if he ignores your request or only stops for a while then starts again, that tells you that he does not respect you or your feelings and that he is likely to put himself and his own needs in front of yours in the relationship.

When you are on the phone with him, let him know the next time he brings up anything sexual that you would prefer to wait until you get to know each other better to talk about sex. If you want, you can tell him that you will let him know when you feel comfortable enough. If he protests, then decide from there if you feel the relationship is worth a discussion about sex and your boundaries. But if he does respect what you say, then go at your own pace with the relationship. You should not be pushed into something you are not comfortable with yet.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Can I help you any further?

Kate
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

i just told him kate and he said i was right . i told him i wasnt comfortable talking about sex . that i needed to get to know him more in person . before i would be . and he said i was right. i feel so much better now . i was nervous that he would reject me ,cause i wouldnt have been dissapointed to know he wasnt caring about how i felt . thank you

You're welcome! I'm so glad it worked out. His response seems to say that he is understanding and respectful of your wishes, which is a good sign.

My best to you both,

Kate
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