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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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OK So here we go... This is my situation and I am to the point

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OK So here we go... This is my situation and I am to the point that I need the opinion of someone from the outside looking at it. My ex boyfriend and I broke up about 5 months ago. I guess I should have accepted that it was over then, but for the 5 months after, we would still end up having some form of communication (text, email, facebook likes, or just talking at work....yeah we work together). So I don't think that I really ever accepted that it was over. He got me a Christmas gift and we went to the movies a couple of times but kept it friendly always ending with hugs when we would hang out. But before I jump to recent events let me give a bit of a back story.
We dated for 2 and a half years. I will never regret the relationship even though I am very hurt right now. In the time we were together we both lost our fathers within 3 months of each other. We sat there together with both of them side by side for the last few days of both their lives. A little later in the relationship his sister passed away and then a few months later my grandmother died as well. Once again we were their for each other and went through all of that together. We went through about a month of fighting. I come from a family that can argue but work it out and he came from a family that never fought ...ever. He had a breakdown one day with me just falling apart saying that he had been depressed and felt like he couldn't talk to me about it (though he was not talking to anyone about it and I was always who he talked to about things). I told him he needed to speak to a therapist then if he didn't feel like he could talk to me. He did for a few sessions and said that he did not feel that the person he was seeing was really helping. He was told to focus on the activities in life that made him happy and boy did he. But after the first session he had, he called me and told me he couldn't drag me down with him. I was going to stay with him through it all but he did not want me. So we went on the next 5 months working together and acting like we normally would have in front of our coworkers. Numerous people at work just now realized that we broke up. So here is what happened. About 2 weeks ago I confronted him as to whether he was seeing someone bc a mutual friend had seen him out. He had told me months ago that we should tell each other if one or the other started to see someone. So I asked and he said yes. I then asked him if he was sleeping with her , to which he replied yes, but it was not serious. I found out that they had been doing that for about a month. He has a different view on that subject than I do and I have always known that. He also told me that it was a completely different situation bc it wasn't the same as us and that she was ok with that. Only a few of his friends knew that he had gone out with her and once all of this came out he started telling them more about her. He told me he didn't love her as well. So I did some investigating and from what I saw this girl is either divorced or in the process of divorcing. His facebook page gives no real indication that he is with anyone and my picture is still all over his photos. There are no pictures of her, nor relationship status. So here is my question. Even though we have been broken up for 5 months is this a rebound relationship? The other question is could it still work with us? I asked him if he loved me and he told me that he was not in love with me like when we were in a relationship together. Could he already be over me after two and a half years and so much love even in the midst of tragic circumstances? What do I do?

It sounds like he does have issues to resolve and a better therapist may help. Unfortunately you can't push him but so far. It does sound like it could be a rebound since the timing makes sense. It is sometimes hard to communicate to men that a rebound is just that. I would caution however that he is saying that he isn't in love anymore. But it seems to not make sense that he isn't in love but he has your picture displayed. That is why I think it may be a rebound. He may see this as a temporary fix but he isn't using the term rebound. I would just wait and see how this pans out. He may realize that a new relationship is not as fulfilling as he first thought. Sometimes people have to come to conclusions themselves especially when the honeymoon period is over.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

A few days after he told me, I lied and told him that I had been with 2 people that he always felt flirted with me. He knocked papers off a table and screamed at me that he didn't want to work with me anymore then. I told him that I lied and I had not done that, and he asked me to not do that to him again. I am not proud that I did that but I was hurt. I told him the next week that we should be ok to work together, insinuating that I was seeing someone which was true but that ended very quickly bc I realized I was not ready. I did not see him for a few days and then he completely avoided me as much as possible at work . Finally he had no choice but to talk to me bc we had to work on a project together. Two days ago he was completely miserable at work and kept saying that he just hated that place. Is he telling the truth that it is all work related or is he hating the situation that we have been put in? Yesterday he was better and we joked a bit with each other. Since he has kept this girl such a secret how will I ever know of it is over with them? I also forgot to say earlier that a week before this information of his new lady was dropped on me, we had not spoken with each other for a bit bc I felt like he was not telling me something. I finally started speaking like I normally would and that day he kind of followed me around for a bit until no one was around us and he ran and hugged me very intimately, something we would have never done at work while we were dating. He told me he was so glad we were speaking again and he hates when we can't talk, Sadly I thought he was really missing being with me, and then I found out a week later about this girl. He does not think that he has done anything wrong, except for not telling me the truth and holding it back. Is there still a chance here? Is it possible that he really is over me? Is there anyway I can get him back? If so what? Can a man just hang out and sleep with someone so quickly and it really mean nothing ? I don't want to lose him bc I love him and we have been through so much together. I just do not know what to do in this situation.

Just wanted to check on you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Any response to my questions above?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Other.
I was fine with the original answer , but when I asked other questions they were not answered.
Hello, maybe I can help. If you want him back in a relationship situation, you are going to have to talk with him about this. It sounds as though there are a lot of issues between you both which are going to have to be worked out and working together can make this much more difficult. I would have a discussion with him in which you tell him exactly how you feel and that you would like to try and work things out to have another go at a relationship, but you are uncertain as to how to proceed because of his relationship with this other woman. You can only be honest and up front and stop guessing at things, or else it will make you crazy ! Just be out with it to him.
As far as his point of view in all of this, keep in mind that all people are individuals and think differently about all situations. Yes it is possible for men or women for that matter to be able to just go sleep with someone and have it not really matter. Men are more easily able to do this as a general rule because of how they view sex and love compared to a woman, but both sexes certainly are capable of having a relationship which is not serious as far as long term or dedicated goals.
He is obviously keeping things from you because he is afraid of how you will react to them and not wanting to hurt you, however, I would caution about him reacting badly when you spoke about seeing other people. He seems to like being able to do what he wants with whoever he wants and doesn't feel you are able to do this. As far as if he is upset about the work environment, I would say its a bit of everything. We all get frustrated at work for one reason or another. It is probably stressful for him to see you everyday and also have this other relationship going on at the same time. I'm sure it gets to him. He sounds like he has some personal things to work through and I would caution if you try to get back with him, unless all of the problems you were both having both with each other and on your own, those problems will resurface. You need to address all of these things with him and not just gloss it over and expect things to just be better. Be honest, be up front and talk with him. Men do best with direct information. If you don't tell them, they don't know. Only then, will you know if your relationship has a chance at having another go. The communication problems that you have with him both on a serious relationship level and also on a friendship level have to be worked on. Men don't like talking about things generally. If they do, it's in a different way than women do. Once you realize you can't change it, only understand it it and he understands the same thing, you will be on your way to better communication skills with each other. Have a talk with him and get this all out there. It's the only way to be certain as to what is going on now and the possibility of a future.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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