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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hes deliberately leaving things dirty and messy in the kitchen.

Resolved Question:

He's deliberately leaving things dirty and messy in the kitchen. I'm flaring and can't stand on my feet long. When I ask him to help, he agrees but No follow through. I know it's deliberate him not cleaning up, and is controlling. How to handle this? He will not clean his messes, but the more assertive I become, he becomes angry, obstinate and uncooperative. Just let the kitchen stay dirty? i cannot stand on my feet to clean it. The more assertive I am, the more defiant he becomes. He will say he will help, but won't clean up ! it's a sick game, because he's emotionally abusive, but the dirt is unacceptable. Help! Thanks
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that "he" (your husband?) is a controlling narcissist who derives pleasure from controlling and hurting you.

Here are the diagnostic criteria for Narcisstic Personality Disorder (NPD) and see if he doesn't fit. These people are sociopaths and have no empathy for the feelings of others.

Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder


A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4) requires excessive admiration

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

You could get into a war of wills with him:

For example:

If you are the one doing the cooking, then simply stop and fend for yourself.

Or you could pack up your dishes and cutlery and get disposables.

You will not win, however, and I don't recommend this.

I recommend getting these two books and see how you feel after you read them:

Product Details

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

Product Details

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy LCSW JD and Randi Kreger

Get these books. Do your best for now and when you are sure, make your move. You cannot let yourself be cominated forever.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
5,6,7 and 9 criteria apply. is this enough to fit into the diagnostic category?
But yes, narcissistic qualities are there!

Ok I will get disposables.

Thanks for reply
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I will seek out the first book.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
if this was giving him pleasure, than its hard for me to understand the intense anger (acting like a martyr) when I see the game he plays and call him on it. Anything that bothers me about his actions or behaviors that I express, I will get met with hostile (verbal chaos) behaviors.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.

Hi Dawn,

Glad to see you again but not under these circumstances.

4 out of 5 is very close and if you read carefully you might have 5.

You keep sending me messages so I will reply now.

This is not a good relationship for you and I shall keep you in my prayersl

Warm regards,




Narcissists gain pleasure from controlling and manipulating and seeing others suffer for it like you do.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you very much for insight and empathy.
The book is next for me to read, so I appreciate the recommendation.
Yes, it's not a good relationship at all.
Thanks again Elliott
Good evening

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