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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hello Dr. Paige, You were really helpful last week and just

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Hello Dr. Paige,

You were really helpful last week and just wanted to ask you a few more questions and get some guidance. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm thinking objectively enough because I have such strong feelings for my boyfriend. I wrote you last week about his hesitation to make a commitment, his going back and forth etc. We got into a pretty big fight over the weekend. He has a daily marijuana habit that I have discouraged and asked him to get help. He also likes to drink but I am not sure if he in a alcoholic. I do know he is constantly defending his position that him getting high every night does not affect him or his parenting abilities. We got into an argument because he asked me "if we don't work out will you trust me alone with the baby for visitation?" I said I had concerns and would rather his mother be with him. Our parenting agreement (that I had put in place with the courts as a back up) prevents him from having overnight visitation until she is two. He blew up at me and said that I don't trust him and we'll never work without trust. I explained that I do trust him as a couple but that I personally think he might be addicted to pot and very uncomfortable having my daughter (a 2 month old) around it without another responsible adult. He then went on again to defend himself saying how responsible he is, goes to work everyday, owns his house, etc. and that I should not be concerned. The fight escalated and towards the end he told me he wishes he was back with his ex wife and that he really dislikes me. I left his home because I felt uncomfortable with how heated things were getting. After talking it out the day after he said he would limit his pot use and never do it when watching Brooke (if we break up). He also said he has love for his ex wife but not "in love" with her but "in love" with me. Then he said he is confused to why he is with me because some days he is happy and other days angry (when I disagree with him). He said sometimes he thinks he is just with me because we have a baby. Then he turned around and said how much he loves me and wants us to have a future. It was just nuts. I just asked, 'if your ex wife wanted you back, walked through the door and asked for another chance would you do it? He said maybe. His ex wife is engaged so it probably would not happen and he hurt her pretty badly. His words hurt my feelings and I feel doubts creeping in. I really don't want to be his "second" choice. He did agree to couples counseling and I am setting the appointment this week. I just don't feel all that excited to be around him knowing in the back of my head he is pining for his ex wife (which was news to me until this weekend). So my questions are am I overreacting to the pot use? It really concerns me about his ability to be 100% clear when watching my daughter. Second, is it normal for a partner to be pining for an ex? I don't do that with my ex husband. I care about his well being but I am happier not being married to him and did the right thing by divorcing him. His comments about his ex wife hurt pretty bad and discourages me from being positive with him. I want to give counseling a chance but part of me wonders if I should walk away? I love him and really have hopes of working it out for our daughter but also for us as a couple. Please let me know what you think? Thank you! :)
Hello. I think you should give counseling a shot. Keep in mind that sometimes it may take more than one time to click with the counselor you have chosen and its important for both of you to feel comfortable and as that counselor is trying to help you both.
As far as his pot use goes, it depends. There are very responsible people out there who smoke pot and do very well as functioning adults. There are others who can't function very well. In either case, I would be certain that it is no where near your daughter. It certainly can make even well meaning people forgetful. That is a trait which should never be present around a child. In this matter, I would compromise with him so that both of you are happy with the outcome. You can smoke weed if you don't do it around the baby. Whatever you both feel comfortable with.
As far as his words, people say bad things when they are angry. He may or may not have meant them, but the botXXXXX XXXXXne is, he hurt you and he needs to realize that he caused that to happen. I think right now you are still feeling upset over the fight and you need to take some time to calm down a little bit. If you don't feel confident bringing this up to him one on one, you can wait to discuss it in counseling. You can even take some time to write things down which you would like to address in your sessions.
Your baby should always come first as you know already. No one else matters. If he continues to make you feel bad and to have a lot of doubts all the time, then maybe you need to make a decision for what is best for you and your daughter. Everyone goes through rough times and everyone says things we don't mean. It's how we handle it after it happens which is the key to if you can be successful in the relationship.
I would like to know how the counseling session does go, if you could keep me posted, I would be interested in how you both feel about it.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

He does smoke it when watching his other daughter from his previous marriage (she is three). He waits until she goes to bed and then gets high. I told him I am uncomfortable with that and of course would be uncomfortable with him doing that with our baby. He keeps saying it doesn't affect him and say's it is fine doing it if the daughter is asleep. I guess this is all stuff we can bring up in counseling. I am starting to think he is regretting his divorce and just wonder if that is going to affect our relationship in a negative way?

Of course it can effect your relationship in a negative way. The person you are with needs to want to be with you 100% and you should not be a second choice as you said. There is no excuse for this or any situation where this would be ok.
Pot certainly does effect you or else it wouldn't be something to seek and smoke ! What if the 3 year old had an emergency in the middle of the night? His reaction time to it would be effected for sure, and then if he had to take her to the hospital for any reason, would he hesitate for fear of being high and having to go to a place where there are people of authority? I do not have a problem with marijuana use. I do have a problem with it when it involves children and ability to parent.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I agree but what I'm having a hard time with is when to call it quits or just keep trying. We have been trying for almost two years now. I don't want to give up early if there is hope for us. That is why I think counseling would be good for us because it could help us communicate better as a couple and address our negative issues. However, part of me feels badly that he is pining after his ex wife. I understand if he needs healing time from his divorce but in the meantime it makes me feel bad. Do you think he could get to the point where he will be happy with us as a couple and not so conflicted? I agree about marijuana. I even told him I have no problem if he does it once in awhile as long as he is not watching his daughter or our baby.

I would give the counseling a shot before deciding whether to call it quits. He may not be after his ex as much as it seems. He sounds like he never reached closure with the divorce and perhaps he should have taken more time to fully heal before moving on to another relationship. because we can't change the past, I think that if counseling doesn't seem to be helping as much as you would like, having time apart would be a good idea. He needs to work on some of his own issues which only he can decide to work on. If he was alone, it could be easier for him to sort through these things. If you are still questioning things in a relationship, keep trying. If you reach a point where you can't bear to spend another day around that person, that is when you break it off. Especially when you have a daughter together. Make sure you have exhausted your efforts before giving up. If you don't, you will find yourself with the same issues he is having, not having closure of a relationship and not being able to move past that part of your life.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I agree with you. I really hope counseling helps and I still think we can work if we can get our issues resolved. Thank you for your time again and I hope you have a nice day!