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I need someone to talk to about my relationship. We just got

back together but there are...
I need someone to talk to about my relationship. We just got back together but there are already some issues and I want to talk to someone to see what I should to to fix these. We got back together on Wednesday before her birthday, she broke up with me because she said she was confused about some things. Anyways, we are back together now and she told me how much she means to me, the feelings she has to me and that she wanted to get back together. Friday was her birthday and we had talked bout spending the day together on Saturday. But all of a sudden, she was spending the day with her ex boyfriend that she says is her best friend. We supposed to spend the day together but now she was with him for the day. But on Valentines day, I asked her to be my valentine and she said yes and I wanted to take her out, first she was going to a game with her best friend on Thursday so I asked about Friday and she said yes. Then in the morning, she told me that she had stuff to do. And then today, I wanted to spend the day with her, I asked her Thursday and she said that she wanted to go to a party and she might have to take her grandma somewhere but if not, she will see. Well we did not spend the day together and I found out today that she wants to go to a party that her ex boyfriend is doing. But, I dont think she wanted to go because her best friend seems to be convincing her to go, When I be at basketball games, she ignores me there as well. and then when I get mad and leave she tries to give me attention. I dont know what to do. I dont know why she is trying to avoid me all the time and I want to know what I can do.
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Answered in 26 minutes by:
3/3/2013
Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Verified

Deardebra :

I want to start with when you are mad she gives you attention, so this tells me she likes a challenge when it comes to a relationship.

Deardebra :

It sounds like she might be having problems with spending time with you, maybe she is nervous or unsure. She seems to be confused about her feelings.

Deardebra :

She could be scared to get back together because she is afraid to get her heart broken. Some times people get overwhelming feelings when they love someone and they pull away instead of telling the person how they really feel.

Deardebra :

I think she thinks you both will stay together if you don't spend time together. But she needs to understand that you both need to bond and continue to share your life together.

Deardebra :

I would ask her why she tries to ignore you and why she does not want to spend time with you.

Deardebra :

She seems to be making excuses, but I think it is all fear of breaking up again.

Deardebra :

I feel she is honest in the sense that she is not hiding that she is friends with her ex and does still hang out as friends.

Deardebra :

This shows me she has nothing to hide from you, but I feel she is nervous to spend time with you, so we need to fix that.

Deardebra :

I want you to come out and ask her why and if she does not answer, you can explain why you think she keeps pushing your dates aside.

Deardebra :

You want to say is it because you are nervous to be around me?

Deardebra :

You also can say is it because you are busy?

Deardebra :

I feel that you both just need to communicate about how you both feel.

Deardebra :

You don't want to keep wondering why she is ignoring you at times.

Customer:

I havent broke up with her its normally her but when we got back together she told me she was confused. But she also told me she really wants to be with me and she likes me alot and she has a lot of feelings for me.

Deardebra :

The reason why she is breaking up with you is because her feelings are very strong for you. She is nervous that you will leave her and she put her heart out there.

Customer:

Should I tell her she needs to stop doing things with her ex? For some reason, I feel like I could be an option and I dont want to be that. But, I dont know if she wants her ex back. But, I also dont want to feel like an option.

Customer:

yeah, she is very nervous about that. she always thinks that I am going to leave her or talk to another girl.

Deardebra :

That shows me she cares about you a lot because if she is worried you are talking to other girls. I don't feel she wants her ex back I feel they are just friends.

Deardebra :

I also do not feel you are an option.

Deardebra :

You are the one she has feelings for

Deardebra :

But is nervous to get her heart broken.

Customer:

Ok. I remember when they broke up I heard that he put her thru alot of things so thats true

Deardebra :

She could be worried you will find someone else. so she is scared.

Customer:

It seems like when I try to get closer with her, she pulls away. She was the one that wanted me back and the first time she called me she couldnt say what she wanted to say and kept saying umm alot and then she called me back and she told me how she felt and she was talking real fast, so it does seem like she is scared to tell me how she feels about me.

Deardebra :

That is good that she can tell you how she feels about you. This is because that is her true emotions for you and it comes natural too her because that is what she really feels.

Deardebra :

The closer you get she pulls away because I feel she gets overwhelmed with her emotions for you.

Customer:

so, what can I do to get her to be closer with me but not pull away? That could be why she doesnt want to do anything with me right now because before, she would change her plans just for me.

Deardebra :

I think you should let her make some decision when it comes to making plans, this way she will not feel pressured. Let her come up with the idea of what she wants to do when you both go on a date.

Customer:

On Tuesday she asked me what I was doing Saturday and she made it seem like she wanted to do something on saturday, but I think her best friend is in this. From what I have heard from others, she wanted to do something today but her best friend kinda convinced her or pressured her into going to the party.

Deardebra :

Her friend probably was very persistent to try to get her to the party, so rather than disappoint her she decided to say yes to the party, but I am sure she would have rather been spending time with you.

Customer:

ok that makes some sense

Customer:

its not like she doesnt want to be with me, she was really happy with we got back together.

Deardebra :

Exactly, she wants to be with you. I can see that she loves and cares for you. That is why she expressed her feelings.

Customer:

So, what do you believe I should do? Should ask her if I make her nervous and why she seems to pull away from plans? Or what do you think I should do?

Deardebra :

I think you should ask her why she pulls away and why she hasn't been wanting to see you. Explain that ypou would love to see her and tell her how much you care about her.

Customer:

Ok, I dont think I tell her alot how much she means to me so I will do that.

Deardebra :

That is important, I am sure she is waiting for you to tell her how you feel. This is why she keeps telling you how she feels, I bet she is hoping you tell her how you feel.

Customer:

Do you think if I do that she will be more secure with me and start to open up towards me?

Deardebra :

Yes, I feel she will be more comfortable and be willing to put her heart out there.

Customer:

ok thank you so much for your help.

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Verified
Dear Debra and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Can you explain to me what you mean that she wants a challenge to the relationship?

I feel like she wants to make the plans and maybe even chance you at times. I feel like she is someone that would rather chase you then you chase her. The reason I say this is because when you are mad at here for ignoring you that is when she pays attentions too you. This is because she doesn't want you upset or want to lose you. She makes sure that she tries in the relationship to please you. If you said I'm going to the basketball game maybe I will see you there. But I might not stay because I might go hang out with friends. She will then begin to wonder why you didn't want to go to the basketball game with her and why you didn't invite her to hang out with friends. I think if you were not asking her all the time to see her, she would get worried you were not going to wait for her anymore. If you said too her I think we should spend more time together and you are upset about it. I think she would also make the time because your upset.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

what do you mean by chance or do you mean change?

I'm sorry about that I meant to say chase you at times.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

That would make sense because she asked me that I should come to the conference tournament. So, its not like she doesnt want to do anything with me.

That is really good that she asked you to go to the conference tournament. She wants to see you, she also might get nervous asking you because she is afraid you will say no. I would answer about the tournament like this, I probably could stop by for a little bit, not sure what I am doing. This way she will see you as a challenge and not just jumping at the chance to spend time with here. I think she will be more persistent in chasing you if you do not answer so quickly. You want her to keep asking you to go out instead of you always asking her.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Just wanted to tell you something real quick. I pick her up every morning and we didnt talk since Friday and she knew that I was mad at her for not telling me what she was going to do on Saturday and her not telling me that the party she was going to was with her ex. She was doing exactly what you said. She was trying everything to make me happy and trying to get me to smile and everything. So, yes when I am mad at her, she tries everything to make sure that I dont leave her.

This is why I feel she needs a challenge when it comes to this relationship. She doesn't want to see you upset at all, so she tries to make sure you forgive her and that is when she mostly pays attention to your emotions and how you are feelings. She does not want to lose you and when she does something wrong you do not like she is making sure that she does what ever it takes for you not to be be upset with her.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I have one more question to ask you, and this is about her ex. I would like her to stop talking to him because he is a ex and thats how it should be but I dont want to sound controlling, do you think it is right for me to ask her that? Because just like you said she is honest that she is talking to him but I dont want it to happen where I ask her to stop and she does but then she stops being honest with me and telling me everything. Thanks for all of your help btw.

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Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
1,852 Satisfied Customers
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.

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