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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have few concerns.. I was in love with this girl.. We were

Customer Question

Hey, I have few concerns.. I was in love with this girl.. We were in love for almost a year. During that time I gave up my school to be with her.. We together applied for the colleges in the USA and we came here TOGETHER in the same college... In the beginning she used to not let go of me - and I would not let go of her either.. We slept, ate and went everywhere together. We even stayed on the school over the winter break to be together..But after the winter break, she changed. She wants to hangout to people and guys. She likes to go to parties, I dont. When we go together, she leaves me all alone on the dance floor and danches with other people. I feel stranded - alone in all that croud of people. It was last week that things changed, she told me 3 weeks ago that she had a crush on this guy. She had talked to the guy a few times but I knew nothing was serious and she loved me so freaking much.
But, last saturday things changed. We have never slept apart after coming to the USA, but that day she said she would stay in her room. I thought she needed space, so I said alright. I thought she would come running to my room - as always. But that day, at 12 she said she'd sleep. I did not get any sleep that night. Next morning she confessed that she spent the night with the other guy (her 'claimed' crush) watching movies and chatting - they even fell asleep on the same bed. She said and I am sure too that nothing was sexual. I was obviously mad at her. And, she became mad for me being mad at her. I tried to go talk to her. She was not in her room - but in his room.
She claims to love me. She wants to speak to me - but not stay with me. She claims to not 'love' the crush guy. Which I accept. I get mad for her going to his room. And, when I get mad she again goes to his room. The cycle continues. I dont even know what to do. I love her so much. She is 18 and i am 21. Please help me out here. She says she does not want to stay in relationship with me but wants to keep talking to me (hangout as friends). But, everytime I see her with someone else, It hurts. when I try to find her, she is not in her room. I knock on the guy's door, she is there. This happend 4 times in course of a week.
I am not sure where to go with this. But, I am 8000 miles away from home. I have no close friends beside her. I can not make friends with Americans. I cannot go back. It hurts so much to see her around with someone else. Please help me out. I am in a really helpless position.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
I understand what you are going through and I am so sorry. I truly feel your pain and heartache. Unfortuantely if this is how she feels there is nothing you can do. If you pressure her it can just push her further. A lot can have to do with her age. She is only 18 and the gap between you both is 3 years, which is not much at all. However, at this point in time at such a young age it does make a huge difference. She will grow and mature so much in the next 3 years and she may just be on a different level than you right now. Some people at that age may not be ready for a serious relationship even though they think they were. This could be what caused her to act upon her crush. It really is up to you if you are willing to remain friends or not. If it is too much for you to handle then it may not be the best idea. Try and stay positive even though I know you must feel all alone. You say you can not make friends with Americans, but it may be a good challenge and can help take your mind off of her. Sometimes we are afraid of the unknown plus you haven't had a chance to meet people since you and her were together all the time. Give yourself a chance and some space to try and spend time on things that you may have not had the chance to do like new activities, hobbies, meeting new people, and more time on school. Even though it feels as if you will never get passed this I promise you that you will. Also, as she sees you taking care of yourself and not after her that also can make her fear of loosing you forever. Sometimes people take special people forgranted thinking they will always be there. Things can possibly change when she sees this may not hold true.
I wish you well and I am here for you if I can help you further.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I am not satiesfied with answer.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
I am sorry you were not happy with my answer. If you could provide feedback as to why you were not happy I would appreciate that. This way I could help you with what you are looking for. We can continue to work together until you are satisfied with my answer.
Thank you,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

No, I am sorry.. It does not look like you can help me out in this one. Thanks

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
No problem, I removed myself, so another expert can possibly help you better.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
Hello. I read the other expert's answer and I have to agree with her. If you are looking for a quick fix which will bring her right back to you like things were, that is not possible. She came here with you and you both were together in every way, but when she was able to meet new people and open up, she embraced this. This is obviously not something you are comfortable doing. She has a different personality and you can't change that. Your hands are really tied in this situation, unfortunately. I know this is not what you want to hear, but it is the truth. You can tell her how you feel and you can express these feelings, but you cannot force her to act the way you want her to. I agree wit the other expert in that you need to be confident in yourself and not need her. You will stand a better chance getting her attention and making her feel that she made a mistake from separating herself from you. You need to separate from her. That is the only way. Please understand it is our job to provide you with the best answer which is possible for your situation. If you have unrealistic goals or feel that you want someone to be able to tell you a no fail way to get someone to think or feel a certain way, we cannot help you there. I understand you feel a great deal of pain for what she has done to you and I do see your point of view. You need to be the better person and stand up tall. Learn to make some new friends and focus on your studies.