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LoveOneAnother, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 33
Experience:  13 years experience working with individuals in various capacities including counseling, leading, and teaching.
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My 14 daughter is very angry that she overheard my husband

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My 14 daughter is very angry that she overheard my husband and I having sex. I'd like some advice on how to discuss her reaction with her. She is being currently waiting for an assessment (requested by her school) for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. She has very argumentative and disrespectful behavior both at school and at home.

This is not the first time this particular issue has arisen. Her room is next to ours in a small home with only closets between us. We try to be quiet but she has heard us in the past. my problem is not that she heard us (I understand that no one wants to know what their parents are up to in bed) It is her inappropriate reaction. She boldly knocked on our door, opened it and proceeded to angrily tell us that she could hear us. "Cant you wait until I am asleep" (It was after midnight) and that it was "F#cking disgusting" Then she announced that she was going downstairs to sleep and left, leaving our door wide open. She spent the night on the couch in the basement.

How do I discuss her inappropriate action? I get that it's ok for her to be grossed out and even angry - but most people would just put a pillow over their head...

Have you tried asking her about what her thoughts are to try to resolve the matter, empowering her to be part of the decision making process?

What about having sex when she is not home?

What does she think about the prospect that married people have sex? Is she opposed to this?

What about earplugs or white noise such as a fan?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have had a conversation about this with her in the past, however it was more of what can we do/ what can you do - to mitigate hearing anything. Having sex when she is not at home is not an option and I'm frankly surprised at the suggestion. I'm willing to acknowledge her feelings, talk to her about the situation and try to create some solutions. However, curtailing marital activities will not be on the table. I do not feel that it is appropriate to reward her angry, obnoxious, rude behaviour by catering to her to that degree. Also, there's really nothing wrong here. We aren't swinging from the ceiling or leaving porn in the bathroom. This is normal stuff that married people do. We are not overtly loud and do take steps to be quiet.
My real concern is her anger. Having just got home from work, she is still very angry and holed up in her room. She said that we (husband and me) don't have any respect for her or anyone but ourselves. She still is terry over this.
How would you suggest ' empowering her to be part of the decision making process?' She's not really part of it. We're not going to stop having sex because it offends her.
We have tried white noise in the past and will do so again but really my problem is with her behaviour - not ours.
Thanks for your help
I did not indicate that you should stop having sex. In fact, I am glad that you are holding firm in your convictions that this is a normal part of married life and that she will have to adapt. Have you expressed this to her?

I was not aware that you needed help with the anger aspect. It sounds as if she does not have positive ways to express her anger, but rather is perhaps depressed - anger turned inwards by being holed up in her room. What ways have worked best for her to express anger before? Has she tried journaling (, exercising, talking out her feelings, having a stress ball, painting, having a distraction (watching a movie, listening to music)? These are just some suggestions.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
She is currently waiting to be assessed for oppositional defiant disorder, her reactions to things are often over the top. She may very well be depressed as the behaviours do support this and there is family history.
This specific item is what I need immediate help with. This happened 18 or 19 hours ago and she is still very upset. I have browsed online and talked to trusted friends and all seem to agree; no one wants to be in her position, listening to their parents, However, no one even remotely approaches the idea that it would be reasonable to bang on the door and make demands.
I agree, especially since she is the youth. There is a right way and wrong way of doing things. You are her parent and you are in charge, but she needs to learn to discuss matters in a mature fashion and not make demands, showing respect for her parents.

Talking to you all will help, if this is possible; however, I would not force this. Offering her some of the ideas that I suggested or having her come up some strategies for her own anger management - what she does to calm herself down - would be effective as well.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hmmm good answer...I still don't know what to say to initiate this conversation . Also, her Dad (as am I )is opposed to any pandering to the situation. I feel like this instance( more than a year removed from the last time this came up) is more serious. Her oppositional behaviour in general has picked up ( perhaps with her hormones). I get this, but I don't know how to deal with her over-the-top reactions. She is camped out in her closet still. Would not join us for supper! You'd think she witnessed a bunch of old fat people filming a porn movie. I swear, I am telling you t hat there nothing untoward going on.
Have you tried to her door and saying - You've alone for quite some time. Would you like to talk and see how we can work this out?

Also, for ODD, try positive reinforcements. If you do this, then we will do this. Do not just give in to her demands and wants. Make her treat you with respect and earn privileges such as allowances or nights out with friends etc.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes, I think that is the place that we are in right now. Somewhat nice RO hear the validation though. Honestly, she is over the top upset about something that happens to 99 % of us, Everyone I have talked to here has had their on of expressions of eeeaww, but that's it. She expects us to stop though. Or at least to accommodate her,
Thank you for the opportunity to assist. Best wishes to you and your family! ~Lindzee