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I am 38 and she is 25 and divorced with one and a half years

old child. We met at...
I am 38 and she is 25 and divorced with one and a half years old child. We met at my office, when she and her former husband came to me seeking for legal advice with regard to their divorce. Their break up was nasty, since her husband kept abusing her throughout their marriage.
We have been in love for 6 months. From October until early February she was in her hometown settling some legal and financial issues. During that time, I visited her twice and while we were away we talked on Skype 3-4 hours a day. Our communication was perfect, so was our relationship, we had a great time and we confessed our feelings to one another. We were happy and madly in love with one another. I helped her settle her legal and financial issues, free of charge of course, and she is grateful for it. Our plan was for her to return where I live,so we can be together. It is also easier here to find a job. We agreed that moving together in such a short notice after her divorce was kind of premature.
So she came and we found a house for her and her child. The next thing on the list was to help her find a job, since I happen to know some people . Last week, we had an argument, which I assumed full responsibility for. What happened was that I got very upset when she cancelled our date the last minute, saying that a friendly couple was coming unexpectedly for a visit. It was going to be our first fun night out after she moved and after such a long time that we were apart.
Soon after the argument we had, I texted her apologising for my behaviour but expressing my complaints for not telling her friends to come for a visit the next day. She wrote back that I was being pussy and that she didn't want us to go out that night. I tried calling her, but she wouldn't pick up the phone. I even asked from her to answer the phone as a favour to me. I wanted to end our quarrel and apologise verbally as well. She replied that she didn't want to and that I was being pushy-again. The next day I wrote another apologising text, in which I reminded her how badly we were longing all this time for the moments we could be together and also invited her out whenever she felt like it. She didn't reply. I neither called, nor texted her until last Saturday, when I wrote her wishing her happy birthday, since it was her birthday. She thanked me and wrote that we should go out for a cofffe one of the next days, since we needed to talk-that's what she wrote.
I agreed and invited her for a drink the next day. She showed up 45 min. late for the date. Out of nowhere she said that she didn't want a relationship and wanted us to be "friends", go out, get drunk, have fun and we take it from there. When I asked her whether she could see me as her friend she said "no". After the end of our date and before we parted, I could tell that she wanted a hug, so I gave her one.
The next day she wrote me that she had a wonderful time with me. I wrote back saying that I am happy for it.
After what she said during our date, I assumed that she needed her time and space, so I did not contact her. Last Wednesday, she called me on the phone and asked whether I had made any contacts regarding jobs. I said to her that the two hotel owners I knew and were going to give her a job were on a business trip abroad and were coming back on Friday, that is today. I suggested that we meet in my office and call them from there, so that she could directly speak with them. She said that she couldn't promise me that, since she would be very busy looking for a job. I replied that since she could not find the time to see to important matters regarding her future, neither could I. She wrote me that she expected such a reply from me.... I wrote her that she needed to be there in order to make the proper arrangements directly with them and that I am sorry if she couldn't understand that. She replied that she neede to keepr her dignity for herself and the her child. When I read this, it occurred to me that she implied that I wanted something in exchange for my "services". Wrote her that this was unacceptable and how could she ever think such a thing, since I never asked anything in return for all the things I did for her and told her that what she thought of me was sick and showed a person which is mentally deranged,considering her unjustly bad behaviour towards me as well .
She apologised by saying that she was confused, disheartened because she couldn't find a job and that her self-esteem was lowered due to the abuse she had suffered from her husband throughout their wedding. She said that she thanked me for everything I did for her and that she would maybe regret for the way she treated me the past few days once she found herself again and promised to contact me. I wrote her that I didn't need her regret or anything from her. Questions: 1.What do you think really happened? 2.Should I find her a job, after the way she treated me? 3.Should I end the relationship?
Thanks
Vangelis
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Answered in 34 minutes by:
3/1/2013
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,864
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello Vangelis, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like she was looking for you to do something for her without her putting the effort into it that she should have. You helped her the whole way through from the divorce as her attorney till now finding a job. She seemed, from her actions, to expect you to do things for her and make things easy on her.

When people act in such a manner, they usually are used to a certain kind of relationship. It could be that she is used to being dependent on her partners and expected you to act in that role. When you didn't, she became upset and backed off. She may not understand what a real give and take in a relationship looks like.

It may be a good idea to offer her some suggestions about a job search but let her do her own work. As long as you offer to help her to the extent that you have so far, she may assume you will fall into the role she is used to and she will become dependent on you to do things for her. That does not mean you cannot be supportive, but actually taking action for her is probably not a good idea. Plus, if she cannot promise to follow through with any leads you give her, she may put your reputation in jeopardy as well.

At this point, if you don't want to end the relationship you can stay friends with her and see how things go. She may need time to sort her life out and settle a bit from her bad marriage and divorce. For anyone in her situation, therapy is a great option to help her (if she is willing to go) find her way and get the support she needs to figure things out. But if she continues to contact you only when she needs something and is resistant otherwise, you may need to end the relationship and move on. It will only hurt you to keep trying to connect with her when she has so many issues of her own.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate





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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Thank you for your reply Kate. There is something more I would lplease like you to comment on.


She talks bad, not only of he former inlaws, but of her sisters as well. She is not getting along with her sisters and she has broken all contact with them, saying its their fault. Also, she is overly judgmental with her father, to whom she adresses often in an impolite, say rude, manner. She also rarely admitts herself wrong and she almost never apologises, even though everyone else tells her that she is wrong with regard to certain situations.


She often thinks that most people out there ae trying to use her. What do you think?

You're welcome!

It sounds like she might have either grown up in a dysfunctional home where she learned to be suspicious of others and have a hard time getting along with people. Or she could possibly have a personality disorder where she sees everyone else as at fault and herself faultless regardless of her behavior. Both issues, a bad childhood and a personality disorder, are better worked through with a therapist in order to deal with them. However, she has to see she has a problem and want to work on it before she can be successful in changing her behavior. Otherwise, she will most likely stay the way she is now and possibly become worse in how she acts with others in her life.

Kate
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