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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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we went for lunch 2 days ago and ended up being in each others

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we went for lunch 2 days ago and ended up being in each others company for six a fool i let out a bout of emotion then apologised and told her that in making myself a better person and sorting out my issues some of my feelings had surfaced. she said to me that i didnt need to say sorry and i could talk to her about anything .she also said she was sorting out her mental issues too and made a point of telling me thatv she was completely over her first husband.she couldnt say if we who become lovers again but said she may come looking for me in the future but not if i had another girlfriend.during dinner she laughed so much it was like that when the relationship was good....the last thing she said to me was we were both evolving....what does this all mean???
Hi again,

Your interaction sounds positive, actually, in spite of the fact that it's also a bit confusing because of the way she's said certain things. First, I think it's good that you took a risk and opened up the lines of communication with her regarding your emotions, because it seems like she felt comfortable returning the favor by letting you know that she's also trying to work on herself, and that she's over her first husband, etc. It basically sounds like she doesn't want to commit to anything right now (maybe because she's still sorting things out and needs a little more time), but she wants to keep the possibility of reuniting with you in the future open - at some point, but it's obviously not clear how long that's going to take, if at all. I'm not completely sure it's fair that she put the caveat on about "not if you have a girlfriend", because then it's almost like she wants to have her cake and eat it too by making sure that you don't really move on, if you want to. So she's trying to keep you around - and maybe that's what you want at this point? If so, I think what's most important right now is to keep things on this note, in terms of having fun and laughing and not making things so serious. Like you said, when you were together it was like it was when the relationship was good, so you want to try to keep that feeling going as much as possible. Try to avoid the meaty "relationship" talk right now and just let her see that she can enjoy just being with you (if you feel comfortable with this, of course.) Overall, it does sound like things went very well, so just try to keep things on a high note. Good luck!
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

hi again,

Basically i dont seem any better off 2 weeks after my last letter to you

I have seriously been thinking about going no contact as I have tried everything else..also i just remembered something...just before christmas she mention a guy online was hitting on gut feeling is telling me she may have dumped me to meet him in real life and that would explain her behaviour and the fact that she ended things with me so abruptly.

Do you think after 7 weeks of being just friends is too late to start no contact? maybe if she missed me it might make her want me more?

Hi there,

I'm really sorry to hear that things have not improved very much, and I realize that it's probably starting to feel like you're losing hope. I would suggest trying not to let your imagination run away on its own, regarding the possibility of the online guy, because while it could be a possible explanation, it's not the only one (i.e. she just needs some time, she just doesn't want to be involved with anyone right now, etc - there could be a lot of reasons for her behavior, and okay, of course there's the possibility that she's met someone else - but if that were the case, I think it would be very strange that she sent you the Valentine's text.) And you're not doing yourself any favors by driving yourself crazy wondering about it - plus, the more you think about it, the more your mind might insert all kinds of scenarios that "might" be happening, when in reality, things are never (or rarely) the way we think they are. That being said, I would not just go "no contact" out of the blue, because if you're basically acting as friends right now, it might just look like you're trying to play a game with her just to "get back" at her - or something along those lines. I'm not saying that's what you're doing - I'm just trying to imagine how it might look to her. What you could do, however, is take some time today or tomorrow to sit down and compose a letter/email to her just explaining how difficult this situation has been for you, and that you've been trying really hard to just be friends with her, but your heart is telling you that it wants more (use your own words here, of course, these are just some ideas that are coming to mind that you might consider saying based on what you've told me in the past...) and that you feel like you think it would be a good idea if you took a step back to re-evaluate things. You don't have to give a lengthy explanation, actually, but you should probably let her know that you won't be in contact for a while (how long is up to you). I think it could make her miss you more (again, the distance makes the heart grow fonder concept) or not - there's no way to tell until you try it, but at least it's taking action of some sort, instead of staying in this limbo, which is really hard on you...

If you decide to do this, just remember that you should only do it if it feels like (and your gut is telling you) it's the right thing for you to do.

Again, good luck, and try not to drive yourself crazy about this... things do eventually work out for the best, even though it might not seem like it right now.

Have a nice weekend.