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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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my ex and i broke up five weeks ago and have remained on friendly

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my ex and i broke up five weeks ago and have remained on friendly terms but last thurs she sent me a valentines text very early in the morning..does this mean anything?
Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for asking your question - I'm happy to help you today.

I can see how this might be a bit confusing for you, because even though you broke up, you obviously both have some "feelings" for each other. For one thing, lot of people have trouble keeping things friendly with their exes, and the fact that you're still able to be friends with each other says a lot. I'm not sure if your intentions are to get back together one day or to keep things platonic, but it does seem that she might still have feelings for you, if she was thinking about you that early in the morning and, as it seems, her first thought was to send you a valentine's text. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking her about it, since she most likely sent it to you hoping for some sort of reaction (I'm not sure if you did react or not, but this is just my gut feeling, that she was testing the waters to see how you would react.)

Please let me know if you need any additional assistance or if you want to talk about this some more. Best wishes.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

my ex gf split up with me quite abruptly five weeks ago saying she had lost love for me but wanted to remain friends.she always answers my texts but they are usually quite abrupt .she never says no to a lunch date .the first time she broke down but the second time she seemed strong and was actually flirting with me.

she seems to need a reason to text me .like when it snowed or the valentine text on valentines day. i responded to the text by sending her a valentines card. the next day she sent me a text saying 'thankyou for the lovely card.I would really like her back but dont know how to go about it.Is there another guy on the scene?that would account for the abrupt ending? she has never lied to me in the 2.5 years we were together.

Hi again,

The fact that she abruptly broke things off doesn't have to mean that there's another guy. In my opinion, she wouldn't have bothered to stay in touch or send you a Valentine's text if there was another guy involved because there wouldn't be any motivation for her to contact you. From what you're saying it sounds like she just feels confused or maybe scared - it's hard to say for sure without knowing her, of course, but it's usually the case, in my experience, when people break things off like this and say they've lost love for the other person. The way she's responding and the way she reacts and interacts with you is mainly what's giving me this impression. If she's never lied to you before, and you were together for a pretty long time, I don't see any motivation for her to do so now. If it is, in fact, that she is confused or scared by her feelings (as it often the case, especially since you were together for a long time - maybe things were getting too serious for her?), then I would not necessarily change anything you're doing at the moment. It's only been 5 weeks, so to start the process of getting back together might be a bit soon - instead, I would try to take her lead and still stay in touch, get together for lunch every now and then and just show her that you still care without being overbearing or pushy. If she's scared off or unsure, being consistent and showing her that you care is the first step - you're already doing that, so I would say to just go with that and see where it leads. You definitely don't want to push her away at this point by getting too serious.

Good luck - and again, let me know if you have any further questions.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

things were pretty bad before the break up..which was mainly my fault .

she wanted a serious future with me and because we lived 60 miles apart we only really saw each other once or twice a week although we kept in touch during the week..i lost my sister to cancer a year ago and wouldnt accept her death and i know this affected me until the break up made me look at my own faults and lay my sister to rest in my head.I have worked on myself and have become a better person and i just know i could make my ex gf very happy. 2 weeks after the break up i sent her a text saying i was truly sorry for the way i had been.she thanked me and said it meant alot. so i wait? but for how long?i dont want to be just friends. and she might meet somebody else in the meantime.the last time we went out she seemed quite cold towards me although she did let me kiss her goodbye.the next day she text me and said how nice it was to see me and said 'im sorry i dont feel the way i should right now'

I do understand and empathise with your pain, not just about the situation with your ex but also the loss of your sister. Situations like this can be extremely difficult, to say the least - also for the relationship because of the devastating emotional impact - so it's not so strange that this had such an effect on you. Don't beat yourself up about it, because it's normal and, as little consolation as it might be, you were able to move forward and start working on and looking at yourself. Sometimes it takes a loss or devastating event to urge us forward. That being said, there are a few good signs here. One, you say she wanted a serious future with you - that's not a feeling that just ends or dies so suddenly. Obviously there were some issues that caused her to pull away - but maybe (I can't say for sure, of course, because I can't see the future) this is what was needed for you to realize how much she means to you (and, hopefully, vice versa). The other positive here is that it does seem like she's trying to show you, in little ways, that she is still interested (at least, from what I can see here.) in terms of thanking you for your text, telling you how much it means, letting you kiss her goodbye and the following text. She's saying she doesn't feel the way she should right now because she is probably processing her feelings or she just doesn't know what to do right now. I don't want to give you false hope because I don't know the entire situation, so of course, it is possible that her feelings have changed and she wants to move on, but her actions are not consistent with someone who wants to do so. I can't tell you how long to wait - there's no set time frame. It could be a few days or weeks, but she could need longer - or she might never come around. It's something that you have to take day by day and see how things evolve. If there's no progress toward getting back together in a month or two (just an estimate, this depends largely on the two of you), you might want to step back and re-evaluate things. But as it stands right now, it seems like there is still hope, and I'm not sure I would give up on that yet if I were you, if things were as serious between you as they were. I think that if things are meant to be (as corny as it might sound) then you'll find a way to work things out - if you truly love each other. Best wishes.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

lastly, my friends who have seen me upset have all given me different advice on what to do.The top advice is to go no contact with her to make her miss me....i think this will drive her further you? another is to tell her that i am moving on in the hope she will panic...the third is to make her jealous by seeing another girl...i dont think i could do this to her apart from the fact i have never cheated on any girl i have been with...honour is a very large part of my personality.

And some have said she is just using me until something better comes along.

My biggest fear is her meeting another guy and losing her forever.

but I am a fighter and I will never give up on her unless she tells me otherwise.

I keep wondering if she misses me and everyday i hope for a sign from her that she does.



Honestly, I think your friends who tell you to go no contact have your best interests at heart - but I am not sure if I completely agree with them because it could backfire. I know of a lot of cases where no contact has worked ("distance makes the heart grow fonder", etc) but in this case it seems like she's trying to reach out to you in her own way, and I feel that pulling away might give her the impression that you don't care or you're not interested. The same goes for telling her you're moving on. I think you have to go with your gut feeling on this one - despite what others (or I) advise you to do. You have to do what you feel is right, deep down, and only you can truly say what that is. You can't control if she meets someone else - and if she does, then that's in the hands of fate, so to speak, and there's nothing you can do about it (not saying that to be harsh but just saying that usually we can't control the things we most want to). And I don't get the feeling that she is using you, either. Her actions just don't seem consistent with that, but perhaps your friends know her better - I only know what you've told me here. But from what I can judge, taking any of these actions won't be you acting from your heart - it's more a matter of playing a game (that a lot of people play, granted) to get what you want, and I think in the end, this can backfire and cause exactly the opposite to happen. You shouldn't hang on endlessly, either - sometimes things are over and that's that, no matter what you do, but so far, I am not getting that sense. So I would say that you should keep a bit of distance (i.e. don't run every time if she calls, and don't go overboard in your messages, etc, as I previously advised) but also be her friend and show her that you are someone she can trust, someone who will be there for her. It might not get you what you want, but I think being honest is the best course of action (in my professional viewpoint and my perspective as a woman)in the long run.
You also have to live your life, so you should try to do so and not let everything be about her, either. Because if she feels like you're only living for her, then that might push her away, too. Try to aim for balance here.

Best of luck.