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Hello again. I am not sure this is your expertise or not.

Hello again. I am...
Hello again. I am not sure this is your expertise or not. As you know I am brutally honest and have a conscious. When past relationships ended, I would write on piece of paper the good and bad points. the good points on right the bad on left. The bad would out weight the good and I was able to move on and put the past in the past. If you believe in God and heaven and believe family and 'loved ones' are waiting to greet you when my time is up here, that is different. The good totally out weigh the bad in my last relation. I now understand why you put me squarely in the widower category. Most widows or widowers don't start with anyone new. I think it's because they are hoping to reunite with husbands and wives later on. I think widows or widowers that had a bad relationship and felt they missed out or did not achieve their love goals may have an easier time devoting to someone new. With me. I still look at my late girl friends picture and speak to her, thinking what she would say back. I see her smile and laugh when I tell jokes or a funny situation we had.

So the question or issue is... I don't know how to put into words to some female interested in me how I feel about my past relationship , how to have a clear conscious, how not lose my chance to reunite if at all possible.? That's the question. Don't know if you can tackle this because its more that relationship, it more conscious issue.
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Answered in 1 hour by:
2/12/2013
jadt65
jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience: Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
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Hello,

Thank you for the request. Based upon what you have told me, you and your girlfriend had a spiritual type of relationship, ie. you are soul mates. It is clear to me that you are maintaining this connection, which is to be expected given the depth of your relationship.

As far as having a clear conscious, I think that your girlfriend would like for you not to be lonely, so a companion rather than a romantic partner could help you have a different type of connection with someone.

If and when the time comes that you want to take a friendship to the next level, I am sure you will know in your heart, mind, and soul whether you are ready. Based on what you have told me, it seems that your girlfriend loves you enough that she would be willing to let go of you in this Earthly life if it would bring you happiness. I do not see any reason that it would jeopardize any later chance of re-connecting with her.

Please let me know if this answers your question.

Best, Julie

jadt65
jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience: Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Thanks again Julie. For me, and it should not be a surprise to you as well, especially between men and women specifically, there is a thin line between friendship. companionship, casual relationship, romantic relationship. A little wine and music and the right location and circumstance can dissolve that line. I will try not to initiate contacting women on the online dating, will try to meet at auctions or other events (which I think is always better) however if a female initiates , and we both feel comfortable to chat more or meet....should i keep things light or before it goes further expose I feel like a widower , define a line I don't want to cross? The chance that she just totally backs off is the concern.

Based on what you have told me, I would keep things light at first until you get to know the person better. By keeping things light, I mean I would stick to the coffee houses and avoid the wine, music, and candlelight type of places until you really know the woman. Otherwise, you run the risk of sending a very mixed message.

Once you think that you can trust the person to try not to your situation (or your emotions), that would be the time to disclose your that you are not really in a place to make a serious long term commitment. Then, define your boundaries. If the person values your friendship and companionship, she will respect your boundaries. If not, she is really looking for something else and has little respect for you; therefore, if she "backs off," you have not wasted your time and energy. Most of all, you will have remained true to yourself and your girlfriend.

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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

This is a new question Julie. I dont understand why it is "reply to expert" status. Also I hope you did receive tips. I left.


 


I see and would like to understand why that many widows in the online dating site I am on have "serious relationship" rather than " casual relationship" ? Dont they have respect to who they were married to?
How do they live with their conscious. I would feel I was cheating on my late girl friend. The only logical explanation I have is that they were unhappy relationship and are happy their other half croaked or they need financial as well as emotional support.


 


Since you helped me a lot so far, I included some pics which I hope can be keep private or offline from the web. Thanks again. John.

Thank you for the pictures. It looks like the two of you were very happy together.

As far as the windows looking for a serious relationship. I think it has to do with the age that they became widows. Many of the women that lost their husbands early in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars were most likely in their 20's...they have had almost 10 years to grieve. They might have the sense that their husband would want them to find happiness.

There are some cases, like you said, that the woman was not happy in her marriage, so she is still looking for that one great love of a lifetime. Others might not be able to deal with life on their own, so they are looking for another partner.

As I am sure that you know, not everyone has the deeply seated spiritual values that you have, so they might not have a sense of guilt about seeking a new relationship. On the other hand, sometimes one spouse might have told the other to try to find someone new as not avoid a life of loneliness.

I hope this has answered your questions.

Best,

Julie

jadt65
jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience: Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
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