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Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
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New question for Dr. Tom I will freshen your memory just a bit,

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Dr. Tom I will freshen your memory just a bit, but you might want to go back and look at your questions and get caught up. I told you Sherry my girl friend didn't like me raising a fuss over my ex-wife being late on the mortgage payment constantly (which affects my credit as my name is XXXXX XXXXX it ). Everytime I have had a fuss with my ex, somehow, Sherry has had to pay the price for it, by harrassing phone calls made to her place of business (school). I think she understands I have to protect my credit score, but she feels I should have done that before the divorce...put things in place that would make her re-finance the house, or we sell it! I do agree with that, but it is what it is. I saw a lawyer, and basically there's nothing that can be done RIGHT NOW as she is only late, not in contempt. She has to be 90 days late to be in contempt of the court ordered decree. Now....moving on to the question at hand. Sherry is coming to see me and spend the day with me this next Friday, Feb. 15th. We've not seen each other since before Christmas. I have been asking her since the last fuss about the credit score declining if she knows I love her. She has failed to answer yes. The closest she has come is saying, well, sometimes. I know in the privacy of my apartment there will be plenty of opportunity to be intimate. Dr. Tom I have no desire to just have sex with her! I would love to make love to her if she feels I love her, but just sex....not interested! I feel if I don't then she will feel something is wrong with her, and trust me there is nothing wrong with her...she is drop dead gorgeous. But I also feel if I do, and she does not feel an emotional deep connection, then it is nothing more than just sex of which either of us could get pretty much anywhere! I somehow know your response will be something like...let whatever happens happen. It is more to it than that. I NEED TO KNOW that she KNOWS I love her. I need it to be more than JUST SEX. I really don't know what to do here. I have thought of suggesting we meet in a town half-way, (to come across that I care she has so far to drive) but really so that we will be in PUBLIC and nothing is expected! I can not chat, so please answer via text (old fashioned way).

Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when he is back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.

I am glad I can get back to you this evening and you have some time until Friday. Your intentions are commendable ... you are honest and a gentleman. There is a lot more to intimacy than just having sex that's for sure! Your idea and desire to meet at predetermined location can be an opportunity to get reacquainted in a way that is comfortable for the both of you. It has been a couple of months since you have seen each other and to take your time is prudent and thoughtful. If you decide to spend some time alone together that does not necessarily mean having an intimate sexual encounter. Holding hands hugging and being affectionate does not have to lead to taking your clothes off. The point is to be respectful of your self and her and to take things slowly and deliberately and consciously. If you are going to grow together then it will happen. You are not two teenagers in love, but mature adults who are in control of your emotions and behavior and can make choices that are in your best interest. Talk about that together. Keep me posted. I am at your service.

Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 23
Experience: Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
Dr. Tom and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dr. Tom,


This is a "NEW" question, but when I posted the previous one at the top of this thread Customer Service informed me that you had said it should have been on the original thread, and it was locked by Customer Service. Not sure I understand this...if you answered the question, I'm happy with it, you get paid...then I come up with a different question...shouldn't that be a different question altogether, and you get paid for that one as well?


I don't know that you can really answer this, more just looking for an opinion, and some sense of direction. Sherry and I started dating about 3 years ago. I knew Sherry from 28 years ago, when I dated her sister. She was only a 14 year old little girl then. QUESTION NUMBER ONE: While dating her sister some 28 years ago, their house caught fire. I was there at the family home helping her father when Sherry, Sheila, and their mother pulled into the driveway from their brother's house. Sherry was crying profusely. Sheila the older sister has always been a cold hearted self centered bitch...and still is to this day. Sherry was crying and looking for her teddy bear. Sheila her sister started picking on her, as she always would. No one ever dared stand up to the Queen Bitch. I told Sheila "Why don't you shut up and leave her alone" and then pulled Sherry over to my shoulder and let her cry. Meanwhile, I found her teddy bear, and asked.."Is this what you're looking for"? Dr. Tom, she proclaims she has loved me since that day? I'm sure it was a puppy love...but is this really possible? Maybe I should pose this to a female relationship expert, because I know women think differently than men. But I just can't wrap my head around that. She states that in all her relationships, she has held everyone to "Steven Standards" and no one has ever come close to meeting them. That is an awfully high pedastal to put someone on. It is a far fall when you drop!


Sherry and I re-connected on Facebook...while I was still very un-happily married. In my mind, it started off very innocent, as nothing more than friends. She was reluctant at first because she has feelings of which I was unaware of, so she ran, she avoided me, though there were several invitations to meet, go to a movie, do whatever, she was "Always Busy". Then came the day when a little event was taking place in my little red neck town about 10 minutes from her house. I encouraged her and her son to come out to it. Rob, a friend of mine and I were looking at cars at a car show during the little festival when I felt this tug on my left arm. I turned and there was this breath taking gorgeous woman in a form fitting gray sweater dress (not provocative, but sexy) black leggings, and black knee high boots. I think my heart stopped for several seconds. We spent the whole day catching up. We then walked back to our vehicles, she has parked beside me, and I hugged her good-bye and dear God she felt so good in my arms! We started dating shortly after that, and it became physical on the 17th day of December, 2010.


My then wife had become nothing more than a room-mate just taking up space. She wouldn't cook, wouldn't clean, wouldn't do my laundry, and had moved out of the bedroom for about 2 years. The news broke that I was having an affair on Christmas Eve 2010, it was a cold cold Christmas to say the least. She wanted to reconcile, but I didn't. I had finally found everything I had ever looked for and then some. I was finally loved for me and was expected to change NOTHING! I think the reason my wife really wanted to reconcile was "MONEY". She has always been well taken care of. I have always made considerably more than her. For years she had been riding a gravy train on biscuit wheels! She didn't want the paycheck to stop. Love me? I don't really think so. Love what I was able to do for her anytime she had her hand out? Most certainly!


After Sherry's husband left her shortly after they buried a 8 month old daughter, and Sherry was pregnant, Sherry's mother encouraged her to move back home to help her with her father who then had alzheimer's and Sherry had a newly born autistic son. So it worked out well for everyone. Sherry's family has always been extremely CONTROLLING. When the news broke that she not only was having an affair with a married man, she was seeing one of her sister's old boyfriends, her family conspired against her to de-rail this relationship before it even started. Her sister who is married to a doctor and has doctor's money now, hired a private investigator to follow her, and us. My ex-wife became friends with Sherry's sister to conspire. My ex-wife had slipped and fell breaking her wrist in three places after she woke up from a nap, and walked across an area rug barefoot that I had just steam cleaned. God knows she would never clean anything so if it got cleaned Steven cleaned it. The six inch long scar on her arm, I now got the blame for, for domestic violence. But here's the thing. I know most of us as humans are gullable. But in a marriage that lasted 15 years...where's the evidence? There should be several phone calls logged for domestic violence. Even questionable injury reports from hospitals? NO NOT ONE! Sherry's mother gave her an ultimatum that if she continued seeing me she could find another place to live. There have been numerous games played such as stalking Sherry, phone calls to her place of employment and the calls are always blocked which I have already told you about this. Sherry has wanted to stay where she is until her son graduates this May from high school and I can't say where I blame her for that. So you see...Sherry and I have to "Sneak" around like little school kids to see each other, and I am about damn tired of that. We are both in our 40's, we are both consenting ADULTS, we should be able to have an OPEN (Open in the sense of Non-Discreet) relationship. When she comes down to see me this Friday, she will leave like she is going to work, and will have to leave to be back home at her normal time of getting in from work.


The original plan was to divorce my wife, keep the house, and Sherry and her son move down in the summer of 2012. That didn't happen as my ex wanted the house, and is barely able to make the payments on it as I have previously discussed with you. So now, the plan has been to let her son graduate his Senior year this May and then they will move down here with me. Since we have been fighting about me protecting my credit so that I can not only provide for myself, but anyone else too, now that is put on hold? She feels that I only care about what's best for me, and not necessarily her and her son. That's not true! But I do have to take care of myself to be able to take care of others. If I let my credit score dwindle down to a zero...then her complaint would be I should have done something sooner, been more proactive. I understand her fear if I rattle my ex's cage so to speak, it will be her that will suffer in the phone calls to her employment. I know you say...See a lawyer about the harrasment. But here's the thing Tom. YOU HAVE TO PROVE IT. Without any proof, it is merely speculation. When star 67 (*67) is dialed before dialing a number it blocks your sending number from a receiving number's caller ID. If the caller/complainer doesn't leave a name, number, but is just a concerned citizen/parent...Where's the proof? In Sherry's defense, how long does an employer get these kind of phone calls before the employer decides it really isn't worth all this drama and does not renew her contract? So I see her concern.


QUESTION NUMBER TWO Now that I supposedly constantly throw Sherry and her son under the bus, and only think of myself, now moving south to join me after her son graduates has been put on hold. I understand that change for a normal child is a big deal, and hard to deal with. Change for an autistic child is pretty much impossible. But now I am feeling that it is a game. How long can I get him to hold on to empty promises? No relationship is 100% perfect 100% of the time. Anyone that says that is full of sh*t. Part of me thinks I would wait on her forever because on one hand she is like NOTHING I have EVER found before. She really is one hell of a lady and a terrific mother. On the other hand, I long do I wait? Part of me really feels that she will never come home. I say home, because I feel this is where she belongs. I know you can't answer this, and I have to go by what's in my heart, but I just really wonder how long do I hold on, hold on to empty promises? It also concerns me greatly that if she does take that leap of faith knowing I will be there to catch her...then what? What if her son can't deal with the new environment? All he has known for 17 years of his life is his little corner of the world. What if her family really never comes around to accepting this and writes her off? Yes, they are that mean! Could the environment potentially be there for each of us to have a second failed marriage? I certainly don't want that! The first one was painful enough.


Thank you for your valued input,


Steven, Firstly a few statements: You come across to me as a genuine, authentic human being who is in touch with his feelings. Your take on the situation sounds accurate and real. You are both mature adults and entitled to make your own decisions and accept the consequences. Sherry's family is one of enmeshment and they are playing emotional blackmail with her. Your wife is trying to hold on and punish you for leaving her.


Now to your questions: Yes, it is possible that Sherry loves you stemming from that time ago. You sound like the only kind-hearted person in both families who is also reasonable. You sound lovable. Thus, she would want to be with you because of stability and predictability as well as being able to get along. You care about her and apparently love her.


It seems to me that you are caught in a time frame right now. If you and Sherry can agree on a timetable regarding your credit and your ability to get through this period and get outside of the influence of your ex-wife, this would give you both a concrete goal to move toward and there would be an endgame. Then you could set a timetable on when you can both live with one another if that is your intention. When that time comes, if it comes, it would be important for you and her to get clear on your agreements and put them down on paper, if necessary. That way there will be clear expectations going into the future and more of a chance of sustaining a marriage, if that is what you choose to do.


Regarding Sherry's family, you have to ask yourself why would you want to even associate with such toxic people? People who care about each other do not hire private investigators to get information or propose ultimatums to get what they want ... that is a form of extortion, albeit, not in the legal sense. Are you and she better off with them or without them in your life? You are free to do as you wish. Right now I think that is all I can offer and not lead you into making decisions that are yours to make. Keep me posted. Yours, Dr. Tom

Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 23
Experience: Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
Dr. Tom and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you