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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7621
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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Me and my boyfriend are at the stage where we both know we

Customer Question

Me and my boyfriend are at the stage where we both know we want to get married and we love each other deeply. The only problem we have is that he is racist and I am not. He is racist towards black people and the fact that I've dated and been intimate with a black man before causes a lot of arguments between us. We both realize that these kinds of arguments are extremely detrimental to our ability to have a loving and long lasting relationship. We have discussed getting counseling on how to cope with this difference of opinion and how it affects our relationship. My question is, can counseling really help with this? Most people I know do not have relationships with people who have a difference on opinion on this subject. And normally, I have left relationships where this was an issue. But I feel he is worth the effort to try and come to some kind of middle ground on this, or at least work on coping with how this difference of opinion makes the each of us feel. I'm looking for some kind of hope here, because I do feel like I have found the love of my life.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 4 years ago.
-- You are very insightful, educated and clear thinking. This comes through in how you ask your question. I would expect that your bf is the same. Using that intellect, he has to know that his prejudice has either come from someone else or from isolated, first hand events.

No human being is born with prejudice, hate or bigotry. Children don't judge their friends based on hair color, eye color or skin color. What they DO judge their peers on is whether they're nice, kind, share their toys and important details like that.

As the years go by, some children are taught the prejudices of their parents or other people they look up to as examples. Some form their own opinions when they have negative experiences with people, but it doesn't have to be with African-American's. There are people who actually dislike red heads; or overweight people; or short people and so on.

It's not very fair is it? To hold an entire population responsible for a few encounters one might have with individuals who don't represent their culture, society or race.

Has your bf ever considered how many black people dislike whites because of encounters they've had with him? How many are teaching their children to not like 'whites' because of something your bf said or did.

It's not fair is it?

Knowing this doesn't change anything, but perhaps can give him something to think about. As long as he's open to change and new things, he's got hope (and so do we all).

Counseling IS beneficial if the person engaging in counseling is open minded and willing to learn and change. If not, well, it's the old joke: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change.

The bottom line here is that your bf can learn from your example more than your arguing.

Yes, start the counseling and do so with the focus of learning to understand each others' feelings on this hot button subject and to learn how to respect all people for who they are and on their own merit. As it should be, right?