Well Doctor Brown, the relationship has ended.
Some info you had asked about.
1. She was in the middle of the divorce.
2. I didn't know until later.
3. I gave her the space. I started staying at my apartment more. She said I was purposly ignoring her.
4. I caught her in a couple of lies and she tried to take it out on me.
I'm trying to wrap my head around the whole situation though. Like you said I haven't been in many relationships. I usually dated and after a while I would move on, but on the rare occasions I do commit I do it 100%. I now know that it's better we had ended the relationship, but getting to that point was emotional draining.
I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right way of doing things. I miss the hell out of her, but I refuse to let myself get treated that way again.
What started the last erruption was she kept acting weird. Like a woman who was cheating. She was always texting and started to put her friendship with her friend over our relationship. I confronted her and she told me that I needed to stop being so insecure. I just found it odd. So one day when she was in the bath I looked at her phone. Her, "Soon to be", ex husband and her were texting. They were planning on meeting one another during her Easter Holiday. He said he wanted to book the tickets and she told him to book it. I found this horrible feeling because she had been lying to me and I was a party to a woman having an affair. I could tell he didn't know because they were still saying Love you at the end of the texts. On top of that she was supposed to go to Korea to meet my family during the same time period.
I didn't say I looked at the phone, but asked again if we were still going to Korea. She gave an enthusiastic YES! We got into another fight and I finally said goodbye and left, but she kept texting me and blowing up over texts messages. I finally had enough. I went to her place and asked her if she really wanted to have this relationship or if she was just using me so she didnt' have to be alone. I also told her she needs to change and start treating me nicer and stop making excuses because it comes across as lying when she doesn't answer the question and throw in a 5 min monologue about I'm insecure.
She got mad and started to accuse me of hurting her too much, but wants to be friends. She said I was wrong for asking her to change and that love should be unconditional. I was just to immature to understand that becuase I was restricting her by asking her to change. Even if she hit me with a lead pipe across the back of my head I should forgive her and love her.
Once I heard that I knew it was done. I told her, I love you, but I'm not going to change your mind. Love is a choice and shouldn't be abusive. There needs to be effort on both of our parts and you rather give your energy to everybody else. So I'm going to respect your wishes and end the relationship. Now you need to respect my request. I'm not going to be friends with you. I want more and then it gets confusing. Please don't email, text or call me in any way because I'm not going to. This is how I move on. Maybe someday a few years from now we can see how each other is doing, but not now. She didn't like it when I put it that way and refused to get up or even give me a hug when I said goodbye. I haven't seen her since. It's been 6 weeks now.
One of her friends came by my apartment with her boyfriend to make sure I was alright. I ended being good friends with her boyfriend over the last few months and hang out with him from time to time. She told me to be strong and when my ex breaks and tries to call me I shouldn't take her back. She said I deserved more and she felt bad for the way she treated me and kept trying to talk to her to be nicer. She said your ex doesn't deserve you and even she felt betrayed by her lies. I was always painted as the villian and She felt that my ex was lying about a lot of things, and she was even betrayed. I didn't ask for any information, but she said everybody in our social circle doesn't blame me for it and that they all felt she was abusive. She wanted to tell me this because she wanted to make sure I was ok and I was not going to take back my ex because she doesn't deserve a guy like me. It was nice to hear.
I've been focusing on my life. I go to the gym, I work on comedy routines, and practing my acting before I move out back to the states. I'm also networking, but there are days when I really miss her. Is that normal after being in such a emotional abusive relationship? I learned a lot about myself and from the relationship, but I feel detatched because the whole relationship was built on a lie. I'm pretty sure she's not getting a divorce. A friend of mine saw her with her husband and they did not look like a couple getting divorced is what he told me. The time period of our so called move date to the States was disputed because she still had another year on her contract and would have never been able to get out of it. She's known for over 6 months that she had to accpet another year when she accepted the promotion. Mutual friends ask me about her and how i'm doing and I just tell them, "I'm good. I'm keeping myself busy. I don't hate her. Just right person, wrong time in our lives and it didn't work out. I just hope she gets better and finds happiness."
I don't want them to know how angry I am and I don't want her to know either. They keep telling me it looks like she's crying every morning before work and she doesn't sleep as much. Now she looks and dresses like her new 27 year old best friend, (she's 39), and even gotten braces like her. She had them when she was younger and does not need them. I don't understand why they keep telling me these things and how she could change so much in a matter of weeks.
What I'm concerened about is how could I have let this happen. How do I grow forward without being bitter and expect other future women in my life to do the same to me? This relationship has ruined my self confidence and I doubt myself internally. I feel so stupid for letting someone fool me and for me to let it go on for so long. I keep trying to tell myself that I will return to form, but it's hard. Maybe I need some validation, but I'm hoping I'm moving forward in the right direction and I handled the situation as best as I could. Maybe some insight on her based on what I had written so I can better understand the whole situation.