Hi. I've been living with my partner since August, and it's almost a perfect relationship. Holding it back are just 2 things I can see: a lack of trust and a lack of sex.
We were both in relationships when we met. Her boyfriend was abusing her, sometimes physically, and initially I was just a good friend helping her be strong enough to ditch him. I was actually engaged, but my fiancée had chosen to spend a year working in Hong Kong away from me and wanted me to leave everything to go and be with her. While she was still in Hong Kong, a night consoling my friend turned into a sexual affair. Soon after that we both ended our relationships, but we also took a 4-month break from each other - if we were genuinely attracted, we thought, we'd still want each other after a few months apart.
Well, we did - and in fact our relationship bludgeoned fast. We had our "first date" in April, and she asked me to move in with her by July. She installed a cat flap in her door for my cat, too, though she preferred to call herself a dog person. Everything was great - we had oodles of quality time together, playing board games, sharing films, going out with each other's friends, learning about each other.
In the course of all this, she told me about her huge amount of sexual partners (more than 10, whereas she was only my 4th), and how she feels ashamed of that aspect of her past. She also taught me how much of a stickler she is for cleanliness. In return, I told her how I used to be a pathological liar, and how my high but oft unrequited sex drive has often caused me trouble in relationships.
Towards the end of last year, things got very stressful. We were both very busy at work and in our social lives, and finding quality time was getting hard. She started picking me up on untidy habits I didn't even know I had, and - worse for me - started believing my cat had a grudge against her. When I bought a cat training book specifically to help with the latter issue, she refused to read it. Sex was less frequent, and - when it did happen - I would struggle to ejaculate, usually because it was too late at night and I was aroused but tired and stressed. One night I had a non-ejaculatory orgasm, and felt wonderful - but, because nothing had "come", she didn't believe me, and got angry at me for apparently lying.
That was the start of it - the accusations of lying. I have never lied to her, and - if I'm ever wrong about something - I'm usually very quick to say. Lying is complete anaesthma to me, since I kicked my compulsive habit back in 2003 when it put me in serious danger of losing my place in college and everything else I held dear. So it's actually hard for me to even tell white lies now. But my partner started to behave as if I still had this condition, and began accusing me of lies that I couldn't actually disprove.
For example, she would make a mistake on her computer and, in an attempt to console her, I would say, "Don't worry, you'll be quicker at it next time." Probably because she was already frustrated, she would see this comment as a malicious poke. But if I tried to explain my actual reason for the comment, she would brand me a liar. Eventually it would calm down and we'd have said our sorries, forgiven each other, and be back to normal. But these sorts of events began to coagulate.
Meanwhile, my high sex drive wasn't getting fulfilled. I've even begun masturbating in secret, because she frowns on auto eroticism - even when done mutually - and has told me in all seriousness that, if she ever caught me watching porn, I'd be out. Sex now only happens every so often, and usually late at night - and always initiated by her. It means we usually start tired, end even more tired, and wake up the following day rather grumpy. Usually to go to work.
After all the stress of Christmas, things did calm down a lot. We had a big chat, in which we both reassured each other of our feelings, our attractions and desires for each other, and we agreed much of our recent arguing had been due to a packed social calendar. However, my cat is still on "holiday" with my father, and if I try to initiate sex during the day or early on an evening, I don't seem to get any reaction. The sex we have is pretty much always initiated by her, but there hasn't been more than twice this year so far. Both were late at night, and both were in the first fortnight of 2013.
We are very much in love. Even now, all of our friends and family regularly comment upon how good we seem to be for each other, and the support we get is immense. Our quality time is tender and fun in equal measure, we support each other in tough times, and we have both initiated conversations towards marriage. She doesn't know, but I've actually got a down payment on a ring.
But I worry that she's not satisfying me sexually, and is clearly having trouble trusting me. Sorry for the long Q, but... can you help?