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My husband has left as he wanted to separate. He left 4 weeks

ago. Now he rings...
My husband has left as he wanted to separate. He left 4 weeks ago. Now he rings me everyday and wants me to move in with him at his new job, which I feel is just convenience for him, much as I want it. I know he is missing me, but he is holding back to make up. Do you think if I keep a reasonable distance he will come back. He has left twice before in the last year and always came back. He is a very creative and talented man and always seeking his freedom.
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Answered in 16 minutes by:
2/6/2013
Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Verified

Deardebra :

I do not feel you should keep a distance from him at all. In order to work things out you both need to communicate and tell each other your wants and needs when it comes to a relationship.

Deardebra :

I want you to look at the reason why he left.

Deardebra :

He has left twice before and I want you to think about whether him leaving has been the same issues.

Deardebra :

You need to tell him that you both need to communicate and face the problems you are having. It is easy for him to walk away and once he walks away he realizes he can not live without you because he loves you.

Deardebra :

When two people are together and created a special bond with one another, there is a feeling that people feel that some may describe as lost.

Deardebra :

But I feel that since he is a creative, talented man, I feel none of what he does means anything too him, unless you are there to see it, to support his goals in life.

Deardebra :

Once he leaves I feel everyday he wakes up knowing he made a mistake, but he doesn't want to make up, he just wants to forget everything and get back together.

Deardebra :

But what this is causing by him not dealing with things, is him leaving again.

Deardebra :

He needs to stop and think about if he walks out that you are not in his life.

Deardebra :

He knows he loves you and can't be with out you, but he also doesn't want to admit he is wrong, so he just wants you back.

Deardebra :

I want you to tell him that your love for each other will always get us through the difficult times. I want you to tell him that you both need each other and that separating is not the answer.

Customer:

When he has left it has been because he has been stressed about a situation at work, and similar this time in that he was going into the unknown with his new job. When he contacts me he is showing no signs of affection apart from the fact he has contacted me and now that he wants us to move in with him as he says I will find it hard to find somewhere to live as I am not employed. Yes I am sure your right in that he is afraid to.

Customer:

He is after this freedom thing, which I can never get to the bottom of, whether it is just going out with friends no questions asked or, something else. I don't think it is that he wants to go with other females, that really isn't him as he is a real loner.

Deardebra :

You mentioned he is a real loner so this would influence that when things get too much for him to handle he feels he needs to be by himself.

Customer:

Yes or with his parents or people where he can be completely unanswerable to. We are an older couple and have been married just over five years. I have offered to him to have this year as a 'time out' period, as he was going to be away so much with this new job, but he didn't want that.

Deardebra :

This is the way he seems to deal with things. I feel it is described in the word freedom, but what he is looking for is that time to clear his mind to give himself the freedom he needs to straighten things out in his life.

Deardebra :

He is not looking for a time out period he wants you both to be together.

Deardebra :

I feel he wants to share his new job with you and have a life together, but he gets overwhelmed with things in life feeling like he has to get away in order to clear things up so you and him can be together again.

Customer:

Yes I think you are right, but how to proceed from here? By moving in and just gently coming back into his life without too many demands maybe a solution, but am not sure? When we move in with him, he will be there about three weeks, before he is away then fro two months, which will be good as it gives me time to get my own life in order also, and gives him another break!

Deardebra :

I feel where freedom seems to be an issue. I would suggest no so many demands. I think he just needs freedom to be himself and t just seems like he steps out to think clear to create a better life for you and him. It's like he needed to get set up to give you this new life together.

Deardebra :

I feel moving in with each other again is a good idea to get your relationship back on track.

Deardebra :

When he goes away for months this does give you time to settle in and get things in order. This will also give him time to think about coming home too you.

Deardebra :

I really feel that his life is not complete with out you and he tries very hard to built a life for you both.

Customer:

I don't actually make many demands in our relationship anyway, but he sees me as demanding in whatever he perceives it, but yes I like the way you have put it. I have mentioned to him that all I wanted in this new life was to create a home for him to come back to from his trips. I only hope that he might invite me to go up and join him for a weekend or a few days, that we wait and see - I am certainly not going to push on this one. Yes I am interested in what you have said there about creating a place before we came, as we had a not a very good experience at our last place. Do you think that he doesn't show the affection at the moment as he is afraid and nervous?

Deardebra :

I really feel like he is in prepare mode and that is creating a life for both of you. I think he might miss the affection part because he is so busy trying to built this life for you both. It is very clear too me that he loves you and I feel that his way of showing you he cares is starting this new life together.

Deardebra :

I think he will be very excited and nervous to come home because it is like you both are starting a new part of your life together.

Deardebra :

It will be a great new start for you both.

Customer:

Ok thank for that.

Deardebra :

You welcome

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Verified
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Dear Debra
Dear Debra
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