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I would like to help you with your question.
This is a complicated situation...made all the more complicated because of his standing issue with trust and your talking to this other guy.
And...then there is the pressure of him going on vacation and your wanting to at least clear the air. Which...I agree...ought to happen before he leaves.
So...what steps do you take from here?
First off, you text him on Saturday and got no reply. It seems you made a good effort to explain your behavior, apologize, and ask to be heard.
There is a concern here that you might smother him if you push too hard at this point. As...yes...he does need some time to think through what happened and to decide what he wants in his future.
What do you think is the most urgent thing you want/need to tell him?
Let's look at that reply before we proceed...okay?!
Here's the deal... I understand he is mad and I understand he is hurt. He has every right to be hurt. On the other hand, I know I was not doing anything to hurt him and if anything I had just talked to my friend and to all guys he was jealous of about having a boyfriend and needing space. Thing is, he never got to hear the great speech I had planned for our romantic night.
Okay...let me clarify...
He is mad.
He is hurt.
when he saw the messages and broke up with me and left my house we were able to talk for a bit and he kissed me and hugged me and held my hand and just said he needed to leave... I was able to say how I feel, which I reinforced with my text. But I also think it was not the right moment to talk. I don't want to smother him...
He is also jealous.
He is also distrusting.
He wants/needs some space to think through his feelings
and I am willing to wait to talk to him. I think that I should just give him space. But I also think that if I don't try to talk to him he will take it as me not caring.
You had a great speech prepared about how you love him...but that never got said properly or fully.
I agree...that he needs space...but if you don't talk to him you risk him leaving town thinking you don't care.
So here is how I see it....
I dont think he will take my call... and I kind of think I should just go and knock on his door
#1. Don't call/text/or go to his house.
He wants and needs space.
#2. Take your great speech, condense it down, and put it in a nice romantic card.
Get the card to him...via U.S. Mail. Have a friend drop off. Whatever you need to get it to him before he leaves town.
Let the card do the talking for you.
all I want to tell him is that I understand he is mad and hurt. And I assume responsibility for what I did. I never meant to hurt him and I know what my mistake was. I want to tell him that I love him and that if the decision to just go our separate ways is definitive, I respect that and I will let him go.
That way...you get your message across...but you are not intrusive...he can read when he is ready.
But I also want him to know that I would like another chance.
Yes...very good. That's what I would put in a card. I would keep it as brief as possible so that he does not draw the wrong conclusions but gets the right message.
You can sign it by saying...
Would you please give us a second chance...then put your name...
ok I will do that...
And absolutely..you must say...I saw your anger, your hurt, your mistrust...
It is important to validate that you actually SAW these feelings. That will tell him that you are paying attention to him...that you actually SEE him!
This is a critical point.
So often in life we don't think that people really SEE us...make that connection to our real self.
This is what you must offer him....the bond that comes from seeing...
Do you understand this point?
I will apologize regardless and I will accept whatever the outcome. I think it was unfair to him to go through my stuff and to not let me give him an explanation. But I understand how he feels. We just have different ways of handling things.And I can see how after telling his family he sees a future with me, and waiting to go on a romantic weekend with me that I had been planning the entire week, etc etc... I can't even imagine how surprised he was to see this. So yeah I see the point and I see that I need to validate his feelings. Because they are real and he must be feeling so many different things now
Based on your expertise, with his history of trust issues etc etc... could this situation be solved? Or should I lose all hope? He acts impusively and generally when we fight he storms off... this time though he said it was goodbye. So was he just speaking out of all his feelings in the moment. Or should I expect this to be a situation that will not come to a "happy ending"?
And agree...going through you phone was breaking your privacy and there needs to be a rule about that going forward. He is a suspicious guy...that's his insecurity and mistrust coming through - but he should not have done that. Alas, it's not the time to bring that up as you have bigger fish to fry here!
It sounds like he let's his feelings get the best of him and then that he likely needs a cool down period to come to his senses. The mistrust keeps him on edge...and, to some degree, is looking for negatives instead of living in the moment and enjoying the hear and now.
i know... which is why I am letting it slide
I would say that the two of you need to do some work on communication and building trust.
yeah. He does that all the time... Takes 3 days and then talks to me again. It is a pattern he is trying to break. And yeah he said he was expecting for me to do something wrong and he found it. So that's why I wonder, is this hopeless?
I encourage you to look at the books written by Deborah Tannen. See this one for example:
She has written several books on this topic.
I would say it's not hopeless...but work needs to be done to improve his approach.
thank you. I will have to look them up
ok. After I send that card, which he will hopefully read, what do I do? Just take care of myself and wait to see if he will contact me?
Also..it would help if he could talk about where the mistrust came from. Was it something in his childhood...how he was raised..is it an issue about women? It would help if both of you could understand the origins of this and work to approach things differently.
that's the issue... he hasn't given me specifics from where it comes from. But his dad has had multiple families and cheated on his mom with his mom knowing. His dad abandoned the family for a while. his brother has screwed him over in business. His ex girlfriend cheated for a super long time and chose the other guy over him
You know he is going on vacation. There is the chance that he will contact you as soon as he gets the card, will contact you while on vacation, or when he gets back. Sit back and take care of you! If you don't hear from him after the vacation...call him.
and i feel he's just looking to have his trust broken all the time
ok I will do that then
Exactly! Because look at his life...how many people have hurt him? What did these situations teach him about life?? Would seem like in his head he keeps hearing...don't trust...don't trust.
He needs to be able to see you as YOU...not as his father, his brother, his ex-gf....
And...feel free to say to him...I see you not trusting me. Are you thinking about me...or are you thinking about your Dad (or your brother or whomever). This will help him stay in the present and clarify for himself what he is thinking and feeling.
How does all this sound?
this sounds great. Thank you. that's actually how i was able to deal with my jealousy, insecurity and issues... by realizing that I would take my anger on the present when I was actually angry at someone in the past
thank you. This is great advice. I guess I just needed an expert opinion.
So I will write that letter... make sure he gets it before he goes.
and then I will just take time to myself and wait. Hopefully he will contact me when he is back and if he doesn't I will call him. Because regardless, I think every relationship deserves a closing conversation.
And yes...sometimes we just need to check with someone else to validate our own thoughts.
Yes...both of you will need closure in order to go forward...otherwise everything just lingers and you have no chance to understand what occurred.
I will say good night and wish you good luck in getting your words down on paper for him to read!
thank you. have a great evening
You as well!