Thank you Kate,
you are so good to me :)
Poppy and I spent Sunday in No-man’s land, visiting new cottage (first time of seeing it), coffee shop, High Street, then to my parents so Poppy could do her homework. I told Poppy the available options for our next few nights (parents, Barn, cottage) She said she'd prefer to stay at the cottage with the owners where she has all her stuff and she has a routine for morning and night, and even though they are virtual strangers to her, it was the best option (for me too actually)
The little cottage is just wonderful, but Poppy was quiet all the way round, it worried me. Hannah showed us the third bedroom last, which she said she was ashamed to open the door on, it was a bit of a junk room with the cupboard ripped out (bc of the water leak), and- it is quirky and bizarre- you open the door at floor level (obviously), but then the rest of the room is at worktop height, which is the ceiling of the kitchen below, and the roof slopes down to meet it at the furthest wall. there is a velux window (I think), and a cupboard behind the door (full height) it's really hard to describe- I'll have to take some pics to show you. Anyway, Poppy was made up with it, wants it for her room. We can just get a mattress to put on the platform under the sloping roof, there's lots of potential for a cool little room. I have asked Hannah if they can put an extension TV aerial up to it, and Poppy has requested cream walls. It really feels so good to have something to look forward to, and picture, and plan- I have been looking for kitchen things, with space saving in mind, and have ordered a TV (yes really!! serious money!) And bc there is no garden, nor anywhere to put things like boots and stuff for the car, or dogs etc, I have seen some outdoor storage cupboards which would fit nicely next to the oil tank by the back door! I tell you, that little cottage has kept me alive these past few days...
So after viewing the cottage we had a day to kill with nowhere to go; we went into town and had brunch in a cafe, and I lugged Poppy's homework around for a while thinking we could go to the library to do her homework. She had been anxious about how and where she would get it done. I talke to her about staying at my parents, that I'd told them that she felt uncomfortable in their home with their routine (I left it there!), and she said she felt bad that I'd had to explain why she wouldn't stay with them. She said oh I really love Grampa, he's so lovely, but granny scares me and she'd always be afraid of doing something wrong. I said they'd be happy for her to stay with them, in fact mum had said they'd move out for a couple of days so we could live there without them, but of course I couldn't have them do that. I told her that they really loved her, and she agreed to spend a couple of hours with them in the afternoon doing her homework etc. So we just did a bit of shopping, and I bought her a few clothes that she really needed, and she was happy, and I was happy too, needed that boost.
We went home via my aunt's cottage where my parents were still sorting through the last few things, and I was greeted by a very cheerful Dad who had driven a hard bargain indeed with the 'other woman', who had agreed to pay almost all of the asking price!! (£95,400) If only AA knew how hard he has worked for her and her bank account! Now we have to decide how to best invest her takings to pay for her care, and have decided against buying an annuity, they are ridiculous money.
I loaded up one of my aunt's chairs that we can take to the cottage with us, I might re-upholster it (Poppy said PLEASE!- it is rather dire, but a cute chair for the fireside)
I’d spoken to the holiday let cottage owners and they’d agreed Poppy and I could sleep there while they were here. They invited us for supper too, so we went down after giving them the day undisturbed. We had a nice evening, and Poppy was great with them (in fact Philippa was very impressed with her togetherness and maturity- told me so this evening). They didn't really meet Sam, but Andy saw him from up a ladder and later said he should go for modelling! Ha ha- I must tell him :)
They’ve had decorators here the last 3 days. It's been OK, but neither Poppy nor I are particularly comfortable with the staying here with so much going on. We have been creeping around, looking round corners, trying to make ourselves scarce. Monday we were up and out before we saw anyone, I went to work, then Sam had parent’s meetings at college, his teachers were saying come on Sam, you can do this, come to college, put in the time, the effort, you're a bright lad.... I had emailed his tutor last week bc she was worried about his attendance, so she was in the picture- but she hadn't passed it on. I told one of his teachers that he isn’t living with me and a little about what’s happening, but we left her with Sam saying don’t tell anyone else, so his next teacher was saying the same, and I wasn’t allowed to explain anything to her. I came away thinking how I am failing Sam, lost control bc I’m not home with him, but he is 18 and so should be independent. I had to tell myself that actually I am on very thin ice and I can't cope with the stress that these thoughts are giving me. We went to pick up his gf from the railway, I couldn't wait to get home, felt strung out, and when we got home he announced he'd left his college backpack in the train station! AAhhhh. I just had to shut it out and leave it to him to deal with, which he did the next day.
Poppy had been at the Barn with D til I got home, she came down immediately and I had to get food organised while the other family were waiting to go out with some friends. Poppy needed help with some homework and I nearly cracked, but was amazed at how I kept calm and level- how did I stuff it down and cope..... She had told me at the weekend that she was worried that she had a history mock exam this week, and how was she going to study for it with others here. I decided we just couldn't cope with that, so I emailed her head of year and told him the unsettling situation that we are finding ourselves in this week and next. I had to give us some 'space'.
So we got through that evening and went to bed early. I had emailed Kitty earlier to ask if I could come to work on Tuesday instead of Thursday as I had no-place to go. That was fine, in fact I worked the morning then stayed on there and wrote emails and did some more paperwork as she had a meeting to go to in the afternoon. I emailed the police, said I just wanted it on record, but PLEASE, I didn't want anything more. I didn't think it through, just thought it'd be OK, just to have it there, they'd think it was OK to have 'just for the record'. I played with Lola for an hour before Poppy came home, it was lovely to see her, she could barely contain her excitement!
I went back to the cottage when Poppy got home. They were all there still 'doing' and we had a cup of tea and a chat, I felt less stressed, we were half way through and I was surviving, only one more day to go. The phone rang, and I answered. He said Hilary? It's the Police. I said OMG, I must have looked a sight, left the room hurriedly to get to my room and privacy. He said I'm nearly at your house, is it OK to come by? NOOO! What was I supposed to do? I said no, please don't come, you can't come, WHY do you have to see me? He said he has to get this sorted out, that I have reported several incidents of harassment, and he just isn't changing his ways... I said no, please, I have to live here for another 5 weeks, I guess I am afraid of living so close, and D knowing I have told the police that he is harassing me, when he thinks I am blowing everything out of proportion, and he has a right to come and talk to me, and keep on and on.
The policeman was very nice but said he really needs to see me. I said not now. He said he needed to talk to his supervisor, ask if it was something that could be sorted over the phone, so he rang off. Phoned back after 20 mins, asking me to tell him the details. Of course I was a mess and really struggled, he tried to tell me he needs to get this sorted, pay D a visit, not arrest him but give him some sort of notice that this behaviour is unacceptable and he must stop. I said no, please, but after a long while he eventually made me accept that it would help me, and so I have to go to the police station on Friday morning for an hour and a half with the 2 letters that D has had from my solicitor asking him to leave me alone, and all the incidents of him harassing me between the first and second letter. I'll have to check back through all my posts tomorrow (I have some time to relax a bit tomorrow bc I have no work, but am seeing Adele later phew)
The policeman said he could hear that I was upset. I said D is upset too, he is having a hard time coming to terms with everything. He said yes, he will have his own side of the story to tell, everyone does, and I felt bad that he would be surprised by a police visit again.
I don't know, I feel really unsettled about this, said I didn't want anything done, and said I won't tell you next time he comes round. I guess it was a cry for help, but I just can't accept that it has to go further.
Last night I skyped with K while the family were visiting friends (that was lucky, they left while I was still on the phone to the policeman). Oh boy did I need to talk. I said I was holding on by a thread, counting the days, telling myself I could get through this, just til tomorrow, then I have 3 days before I have to start again with more unsettlement, but that feels different bc Poppy is on half term holiday, and I've known about it all along. And she has had lots of offers of sleep overs. Sha has said it will be hard not spending time with me, but I have said I will make sure there is lots of time for her, and to help her get her work in order somewhere- maybe at our neighbours house while they are at work, or times when my parents are out. It will be OK, I don't feel so stressed about next week, and then I know I'll ba back there for a clear run of 4 weeks before we move to the little cottage; AND maybe Hannah will let me move my stuff out of my room at the Barn so D can have my room to do what he wants with, I will feel ready by then.
Today has been OK. I guess bc it's the last day of them being here. The painters were here again, and Andy and Philippa were everywhere. I walked with Philippa and her dog in the rain, we had an earnest chat, she said I'm looking much better than a year ago :) I visited my parents and sister, then had a muddly work session with Kitty when I couldn't focus, then came home hoping the cottage would be empty. Of course it wasn't, they were fiddling about, doing this, then that... I said LEAVE IT, GO, let ME do it... They had a long drive home as it was. It's so good to take a breath again, relax, not have to talk, but I feel intoxicated with the gloss paint and wood stain fumes, there is so much wet paint around!
I think I've caught up. It's always so good to debrief with you. Thank you for your encouragement and support. I am definitely able to cope with things better now, I do believe I HAVe come a long way...
I am so tired now. I didn't think I'd be able to write to you this evening I've been feeling rather poorly, but I'm glad I managed to. I have missed you. And thank you for your thoughts, that makes me feel good, and smiley
Must get to bed.. the fire has gone out now. Nice while it lasted. Do you have fires? Log burners? Open fires?
Goodnight my friend