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Hi! Im having difficult time in my relationship. We have been

Hi! I'm having difficult time...

Hi! I'm having difficult time in my relationship. We have been together only for 5 month but it seemed that it is an intensive relationship. We live in different place (about 3 miles) but we have met every weekend and most of the time one day per week. He introduced me to his parents, friends. Met with my parents and he wanted them to met with his parents. He is divorcing (hopefully will be over the whole procedure in 2-3 weeks) and already he had another relationship after splitting up with his wife. We have been talking about moving together after June, so we planned everything like a couple. He went abroad for 3 weeks (this journey was planned already before we met). In my point of view he is a very reliable, truthful person with great responsibility. He came back from holiday in mid Jan. It seemed that everything is perfect...but at the end of Jan I've just got redundant. I was still happy as I thought now is really great time to think about us. So I shared my idea with him that will try to look for a job close to him as I was happy to do everything just to support our common future. He has got a good job, therefore it was obvious for me that for me is does not matter what I'm working as it is more important his job. I am very down to earth person but as I love him I was happy to give up to find the ideal job for me. He also asked me if I would like I can move to him (even he is renting a really small place). I told him that I would not want to rely on him, so I would like to find first a job. The other day when he came home ( I was at his as he asked me to stay with him for some days) while he was cuddling me he just told that he is thinking to move abroad where he was on holiday (that is the other part of the world) as he is thinking to change his job and there are more option for him there. I was totally shocked especially just the day before we were shopping present together to his parents for a party. He told I am the first person whom he told and this is not sure yet, and maybe he could not go there - so nothing is decided yet. He told I am very important to him but he is not in love with me. Some days before this conversation just made me a surprise weekend. He keep holding my hands, kissing me, wants to spend time with me. Our sexual life is wonderful. I am totally confused and I don't know what to do. Even he told he is not in love with me it is just so hard to believe. He is doing everything like a person who would in love with somebody. He told he is not ready for commitment (even we have been talking already about family, he wants children...etc). I feel myself like a fool who was ready to give up everything. I know there is a lot on his shoulder but why would he do this to me? We had a chat and I told him that I do not want any commitment (like family) if he is not ready. I also know that he is stressed because of his divorce. Is it really possible that he does not love me, or is he scared??? Could you please give me advice? I can not eat, I can not sleep. I try to take it easy and see what will happen but it is difficult. I feel lost. I am divorced, so have got experience behind my shoulder, but I don't understand this situation. It seems he is happy with me, but he is not... Thank you for you reply in advance. Katie

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Answered in 24 minutes by:
2/4/2013
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Dear Katie,

 

I am so sorry for all that you are suffering. This man loves to have all of the trappings or symbols of marriage, but is not mature or selfless enough to either be a husband or a father.

 

Perhaps he is a narcissist, which means everything is about him, and he has no real feelings for others. Narcissists do not have the capability of feeling empathy for other people.

 

He likes the "idea" of marriage but will not make the commitment.

 

He said that he did not love you, and he shows it too.

 

His career comes first and if he get the job that he wants, he will dump you in a heartbeat.

 

He needs to be admired and adored and to be in control and, like all narcissists, will say whatever needs to be said to achieve his goals. The best liars and charlatans (con-artists) are narcissists, and I believe that he is one.

 

If you want to know the other side of him, just ask his wife or his most recent girlfriend, if you can.

 

You will never be happy with this man. He has ALREADY shown you his true colours.

 

You can wait until he rejects you for this reason or for another, or you can consider ending things yourself, although this may be too difficult for you yet.

 

You know how he thinks now, and you know that your are not first. The longer you stick around with him, the harder it will be to face the reality.

 

I wish I could tell you something positive, tell you how to fix this, but I do not believe that you can.

 

Once he told you that he doesn't love you and that he can drop you without a second thought if a good opportunity comes his way, then you know that you have nothing to hold onto any longer.

 

I wish you great strength and I shall keep you in my prayers

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Hello Elliott,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I think you a right (probably I know in myself but it is hard to accept).

I would like just to add some things, maybe there is other point as well what you could find out about him/us:

- his wife split up with him about 1,5 year ago, they don't have children together but his wife has got a 2 years old boy when they met. As I heard my boyfriend treated like his child the little kid. Now he is 8 years old. Since they broke up he couldn't see the child. I think this is some revenge or something like this.
- then (as far as I know) he met with the other girl and he was in love with her (this is what he told). She split up with him ..they were together for 6 month (on and off) and they moved together at that time.

- when we met he was over with past (he told me), so therefore it was obvious for me that everything is fine. Especially that treated me on the best way.

When he met with my parents (he invited them to his place) I just felt myself like in a fairytale..I found finally the man whom I was looking for.

Is it possible that I scared him that I am a very reliable person? As far as I know him he is/was the same...I just don't understand at all how he has been changed so quick.

I know that he doesn't have anybody else but I also know that takes antidepressant medicine. I know from him that his depression started when his marriage has been broken.

When he told me last week that would like to go probably to work abroad (Australia) we could carry on with relationship as he is not sure yet whether would get there a job. I try to think as an outsider and I find this statement selfish...but I try to understand him. Is it possible that he is scared not to get hurt again? I try to believe as I am not a pushy person, but maybe I was...

We went together to a lot of places, had such a lot of lovely weekends..

You wrote : "Narcissists do not have the capability of feeling empathy for other people." - is it possible really that he is this sort of person even he shows that he is carrying about me. For me it seemed that he is carrying about everybody accept for himself, and now he shocked me that he wants to go to Australia (that is the first time that i saw that he wants to do for himself something).

I told him that I would never ask him to stay here if he thinks that his fate is there...his answer was that he doesn' t want to stay there forever and I could come with him.

Unfortunately I can't as I can not leave here my parents and how could I go to somebody who is not in love with me?

Do you really think that he is so selfish and he does want to escape from his feelings?

I know it is not easy to give the right answer but probably you could write down something else that you think about it. I believe that I wrote down every important information.

You don't think that in some month something would change, do you? I try to believe that yes (this is what my soul is telling), but my brain tells me different..

Thank you for your reply in advance.

 

PS: I think I wrote incorrect. He told he loves me, but he is not in love with me...

he also mentioned that is possible needs more time but I mean a lot to him (that is the reason that I thought he is scared about his feeling - maybe I was naive)

Best regards,

Katie

 

Dear Katie,

Your friend did not suddenly change. You just saw the other side of him that did not come out.

He is completely selfish and will leave you and his parents to do what HE wants to do.

It is very hard for you to understand and you think he has changed, but he is exactly the same as he was before. Now you know the rest of the story.

You do not want to believe that this is true, but in your heart, you know that he just doesn't care about you.

Don't take it personally because he is not capable of caring for others. In his mind he knows he should, but is unable to have those feelings.

You may take time to fully realize this. This is a great shock.

You will eventually see this clearly.

I wish you great fortune and well-being. You will heal and move forward with your life.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
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Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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