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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Is it abandonbment when i leave R either because r is thretining

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Is it abandonbment when i leave R either because r is thretining to call the cops or tells her kids i am am going to tear up their suitedcase, go back to jail WHEN i drink again.

Her "autistic" son has told people i hit him when we are alone. Thats the one that really scare me and i told her i cant be alone with ryan since he says that to his biological father.

I guess i panic.

I am no saint but shoud i just stand there and let her say those things. I feel bad about leaving her in those situations but i also dont want something to happen where i get arrested, violate my probation for my DUI (no arrests period) and go to jail for six months. Also why do i still love her so much and want to be with here?

Maybe i wouldn't be so prone to running away from the stuation is i wasnt on probation.

I have done a lot for her such as go the the park with her kids and their father since her and her family dont trust him.

Do i just need to suck it up and say this is the way it is and it is going to hurt for a while.

I find myself anticipating what she is going to do. We were trying to park the car and i saw a space down the way but we took one a little closer. I walked over to the other one and saw it was employye only. My first thought great she is going to tell me that i was wrong. Which she did.

But i also have done my share. I cancelled going to a party at the last minute. I have jumped her son for not following my directions which i was told later i have no right to do since they are her kids.

Also, one day her son told me he was going to hit me so i looked at him and said if you i'll hit you back. Probably not the best think to say (your thoughts)

I dont know why i still have this desire to be with her when we both seem to bring out the worst in us.,
What do you mean, is it abandonment? Are you speaking of the legal definition of abandonment? Or do you mean is it due to a history of abandonment issues within yourself that you don't leave her when you feel you should?
Hi there,

I'm sorry that your question has not been answered as yet. I have been offline until now and I know that you had requested me to answer, if you're happy for me to continue I will answer your question now.

I think you're getting caught up in quite an emotional and difficult situation with Ryan and his mom. It feels as though you are feeling very attached to her and don't want to let her go. The son creates more of a complication as he is directing a lot of his own anger towards you (it hasn't helped when his mom has said things about you, jail, drink to him as he may well see you as a threat).
You need to decide what it is you can gain and offer within this relationship - you need to be aware that you do not have much control within it and there is a lot more going on around you and so it makes everything so much harder.
The probation probably does make you more fearful but I believe that is completely natural - you need to protect yourself here otherwise things are going to get really bad for you - and this is my concern for you.

I wonder if you could have a word calmly and carefully with his mom and express that Ryan's saying these things and try and reassure him that you wouldn't harm him? You may need to keep your distance for a while and give it time too.

Your confidence in this relationship is slowly going and that is sad to see but I'm unsure you can be "together" until these issues can get resolved. Ryan needs reassurance and you would need to be extra careful of what you say to him. Her there for them and you're playing a role in their lives - one which is clearly missing from the biological father, but at what cost to you....?

With an autistic child - it is best to get some help and try to understand their ways of processing information. It would be useful if you could go and talk to a doctor or someone who will be able to give you some ideas of how they express themselves - as I'm sure he's not being manipulative per se, but instead trying to express his fears and concerns over what the mom has initially told him about you.

Your past (with your brother and his problems) may well be urging you to stay with this and work through this, but you and only you can decide what you need to now do. She has a strong hold over you but you need to decide if this is love or whether its something else that, like you say, is unhealthy and brings out the worst in you both. You're doing well in not giving in to any bad feeling or thought and your resilience is important in this.
Your desire to be with her feels very strong but try and consider talking with her about your feelings like you've said here, and if she's willing to change then you have more of a chance to make things work, if she's not interested in changing and treating you as an equal then you may struggle with this.

Please also remember, if you want me to answer any further questions, please put "For Karin" at the beginning of new questions and my apologies for not coming back to you sooner.

I hope this is helping, do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

Please if you will, kindly take a second to accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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