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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I am having real problems with my relationship, I am at breaking

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I am having real problems with my relationship, I am at breaking point to tell you the truth. I have been with my partner for over 3 years and he has two children from a previous relationship. There are problems when they come to stay all of the time because his daughter who is six is in constant need of attention and gets jealous if we are getting on I can't even sit by my partner for fear of jealousy. then there is his ex wife, the children go back and tell her everything that is going on, so if we are having problems we get a text criticising us and if we are good then something is made up.

I am constatntly being criticised. Since I have been with my partner I have always put him and the kids first and recently I had a break down because I couldn't take any more hassle along with working full time and doing my studies in my own time which I have fell behind in. I feel that I am not supported by my partner when I am struggling and when the kids come I am just forgotten about.

At the beginning I was told from him and members of his family how bad it was with his ex wife despite them being together and as the years have gone on I am not so sure they knew the truth and that my partner made out that it was worse than what it was. I have terrible insecurities at the moment because I really feel that my partner does not love me, we are constatntly arguing and terrible things are said particulalry around his ex and things weren't that bad or we argue more. We do not have the intimacy like we used to or the closeness and when the kids are here I feel as if it is them and me. It is coming up to Valentines and my birthday which has always been hard for both of us since my partner does not go out of his way on any special occasion and I never feel as if I am important to him.

I have tried talking lots of times and I have left and gone to my mum's house but foolishly come back as I so not want to give up. Please could you help.

Hello. Dealing with broken families is always a difficult task, for both partners involved. It can be especially draining when one person is doing nothing to support the other. If you have attempted talking to him on a number of occasions and have left for awhile, only to come back, it is clear that he just does not have any empathy for your position. At this point, you have to do something drastic to get his attention and to force him into understanding your position. If it is at all possible for you, I would suggest leaving to go stay with your mum and make it a more permanent situation. Take the things that mean the most to you. After that, wait for him to contact you, don't reach out to him first. The actions which follow will show you a lot. Does he panic and think he is going to lose you and reach out? Does he ignore you and think you are being silly? This will tell you everything and how to proceed. I know this is all very stressful for you to go through. He must make an effort to see your side of this and at least be able to discuss a solution of some sort. His unwillingness to do this is the first thing you need to break if you hope to move forward. Take a stand ! You do not deserve to be treated like this !
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I am going to give it one more shot tonight to try and talk to him and let him get his opinions across too, but what advice would you give about doing this please?


If this does not work I know that I will have to leave, like you say I know I don't deserve this and this is having a real effect on my self esteem and confidence which is affecting my job.



You need to not blame him for the things you want to blame him for. He may be shutting down because he feels as though he must be defensive against your accusations. I would suggest asking him things like, what can I do to get you to understand? Instead of saying YOU don't understand ! Use a lot of positives; I really love you and want to be with you, but I feel as though my feelings are not valid, and it hurts me. Try and have a conversation instead of an argument or a one sided discussion. I know with the anger you have, it can be difficult to take a passive approach, but sometimes you have to open yourself up to this in order to get him to open up and start some meaningful dialog.