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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi,I am having some relationship issues and need someone

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Hi, I am having some relationship issues and need someone to chat with. I need to talk to someone that is not involved in the situation; not a friend of either my ex or me.

I have recently starting hanging out with my ex again and things were going great for a few months now. We talked every night and day and he would come over and hang out a few nights a week. Then things changed last week. I found out he lied to me...he told me he was at his friends last friday night but he was actually with someone else. I felt we were in a least the begining of one. I feel that he should not be sleeping around with other people while he is telling me how much he loves me. I confronted him about this and said that it should not matter where he stays...and that we have nothing to talk about. It just breaks my heart. He made me feel that we were in a relationship...talking about marriage and that he loves me so much it hurts. Now he doesn't even care that i am upset and he doesn't want to talk about it. When two days ago...he left me a message to call him back...begging me...because i had missed 5 of his calls. I am confused, angry, and want to tell him exactly what he is. Good Idea?

You should consider being honest about your feelings. A relationship won't survive if people are guarded about their feelings or being deceitful. Sometimes we want to spare someone's feelings or we are scared to rock the boat but in the end honesty is the best way. Everything has to be out in the open for the relationship to have the best potential for success. Don't use avoidance to handle a problem since that hinders any kind of solution. I would approach him about what is bothering you and let him know up front how he has hurt your feelings so that he has a clear perspective on what the problem is.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Your advice sounds great! I may have already missed my opportunity to talk about anything though. I needed to get a book back from him so i could study for a test at work. When I finally got a hold of him he was very rude to me...I could tell he was made. I had some things of his so we made an exchange and he came to my house. He gave me the book, asked for his things and I gave it to him, I told him 'take care of yourself' and he replied with a grunt and he drove away.

I think it is too late to be open about my feelings. I haven't tried since he left but He won't answer the phone if I were to call. Do I give him time and try and call in a few day?

I really like your idea of talking about feelings but he does not like to talk about stuff like this. In fact when I caught him lying to me he said "we don't need to talk about this" and I said "this is exactly what we need to talk about" and then he hung up. I called him that evening and he answered but was very stand offish and at the bar. he said he would call me back but after a few minutes I sent him kind of a nasty message about him not needing to call me back because i didn't have anything to say to him.


Is it too late to do anything? Or give him some time? I am very upset right now and want to call him but I know i shouldn't...espcially after he left today the way he did. I love him very much...

Try to stay positive. He may be just what we call an avoider. They don't like to talk about anything and prefer to dance around the issue. This is difficult as the one who prefers to talk it out. Give him a few days so that he can get past his own need to avoid. You may have to stifle your own openness a little since this isn't his style. Give it a day or two and then try again. The worst that can happen is that he still needs more time.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

You may be right! I had been with that guy for 4 years and we were engaged. He called are wedding off and jumped into another relationship. Since things did not work out with the other gal, we have been off and on. But the same pattern is appearing. He will talk to me when he is feeling really bad about himself and i will help him feel better about himself and gain confidence. Then things will change, I will find out that he has been talking to one or mutliple woman at the same time. This has happened 4 or 5 time in the last year since we have called off our wedding. Everytime we talk he tells me he just wants to marry me and that he loves me. And I become confused and feel like we are in a relationship. This time I actually caught him in his lie...I have always just speculated in the past and decided to go away and do no contact for a month or so. Then we start talking again and he tells me again how he misses me and loves me. So I start to become comfortable, and then another girl comes back and he pushes me away again. I have never been able to talk to him about this situation, because I have never caught him before. He can not talk his way out of this one.

I had to tell you all of this because, I need you to know everything to better give me advice. I know everything that this man has done and I still love him. Is there something wrong with me? And now after hearing everything should I call him in a few days or just let this be the end, even though nothing was said in our last conversation? Keep in mind two days ago, he ended our nightly conversation with I love you. And now he won't answer the phone...also I have a good feeling he went home with another woman last night as well.

What do you think?


There is nothing with you except being head over heels in love with a guy who can't be faithful. As hard as it is to hear, the best predictor of the future is the past. Consider that you are trying to plan a future with someone who doesn't value relationships in the present. He has to value your relationship before he can commit to it. He has shown you that his needs come first. That is a huge red flag. You should want for yourself all of someone. Not someone who is capable of treating you so carelessly. You have to want the best for yourself. Ask yourself why you are willing to settle and that is a large part of the problem. When you realize that he isn't committed but simply using people in his life then you can make clearer decisions. You need to find the strength to decide what you want but don't create something he isn't. He can only commit to the true self that he is.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

That is really great advice. I am on the same page as you as far as i need to leave him in the past. But I still have a strong desire to let him know how he hurt and calm of course. My counselor has always told me that if you want to call or send a letter than do it. Should I still try and call him in a few days?

I feel that I am done fighting for him...I have put of a five yr battle and I finally realize that he is simply not worth it. He knows that I am an incredible catch...he has told me several times. But my heart is the only thing still holding on to him. Even though right now, I would do anything to talk to him the way i did two days ago. I know i will only get hurt, he is a very selfish man who only cares about himself! I know that he has mutilple girls waiting for him to call.

I guess for a long time i took that as an accomplishment. I mean, this guy chose me to marry...well he proposed anyway. But now I look at how sad his life really is. He relies on others to fell self worth. And I feel he continues to keep me there because he wants his back up plan...Which makes me feel really terible and pathetic...I'm nothing more than a back up plan for him. :(

The thing that worries me is everytime i have gone away and began to let go, he pulls me back in, with his lines... I am terrified that i will end up right back where I am today in a months time. I can't seem to find the strength to walk away for good. for some reason I am so loyal to him. And that really bothers me the most. Any advice?

You are right about everything but accept the fact that he is what he is. Use one more communication as a way to have closure. Don't imagine that there is a future with him. Just say what you have to say and move on. Sometimes we place what we want the relationship to be on to something it isn't. He won't change. So gather your thoughts and use the next conversation as a way to let go. When you envision that things will change you give yourself false hope. Gather your thoughts and cover only that in your talk. Don't let him persuade you with false promises. When you stand your ground you have a better chance of allowing him to promise you of things that won't be
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Well...I have yet to get the closer I want from my ex. I have talked to him since we talked last but I can not get him to talk about anything serious. So I believe I am going to have to walk away without the closure and after fighting for five years to be with the man I love I think it's time to walk away!
I think so too. When you have a relationship one person is so much more invested than the other it is time to walk away. You don't to waste time in a situation that isn't working. Instead you can find someone who is ready to be in a relationship