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ben0308, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Over 30 years of experience in working with relationship issues
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ive hurt my bf the night before our 1yr. ive drinken n it got

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ive hurt my bf the night before our 1yr. ive drinken n it got messy. this is the second time his (caught) me but those two times the driking really hit me hard. i stayed in our 1 or two drinks but it really f**ked me up. i was embarrase and shamed. he felt lied to which was never my intention. i explained to him i was just embarrase and i didnt know how to tell him. he was distant and hurt and angry all at once bc he thought ive been doing it behind his back. i always tell him before but those two tims i didnt because i got really drunk and i didnt want him to think i was doing all the time especially behind his back. last night we spoke he said it was i told him i asked if he forgives me and he says yes. i can feel his distance and his hurt by feeling ive lied to him. what can i do ? give him space . i know he cares but if i ere to do it again he would seriously break up with me. the thing about me is that im really not a bad pesron n i dont do things to purposely hurt him. he says me drinking is bad for relationship i i completely agree with him .

ben0308 :

Hello I will try to help you as best I can. I feel your pain and remorse regarding your actions from the drinking. Of course he will be responding as he is because he was hurt and he now questions your trust. I am glad that you have talked about it and that is has forgiven you but now you need to regain his trust and confidence in you once again. I agree that the drinking is bad for your relationship and that you agree as well. Alcohol effects people in many different ways and can change one's personality drastically which it sounds like has happened to you. Do you feel that you may have a drinking problem? If so, I would suggest some professional help ie an addiction counselor or possibly attend an AA meeting just to see how other people have been affected by alcohol Let me know your thoughts. Thank you

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
i dont feel i have an alcohol problem but i do know not one or two are good for me. we have been trough alot since the beggining. it all accur while drinking. thats is why we came to an agreement of one or two. but seems that effects me like if i had four or six. im afraid he will start to rink. he said, i should start drinking too. it felt like he wasjust aying it. i said dont do that. he replied yep i want to. but it sounds so unlike him his fine without it. could it be his just saying to to make me feel what he felt bc sure didnt like him saying it.
OK I was not trying to imply that you did have an alcohol problem, but just neede to ask to make sure. As I said previously, alcohol can have strange effects on people and can cause personality changes which can cause problems as you have experienced. And yes, perhaps he said what he said for the reason you mentioned. You and only you alone can make the decision to drink or not. I really feel you are very sorry about what happened and do not want to risk your relationship with him because of drinking. Alcohol is not necessary to have a good time. You can still go out, to clubs, etc and still have a good time. I hope I have been of some help to you. I wish you the best. Thank you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

times has gone by and the other day his grudge he has been holding back at me which trigger back because of my drinking i could understand where he comes from. he said that when i drink i like to get attention approval of everybody. one inccident i went out from the library room where we were studying to look up a book on reserved. came back with a piece of paper which he didnt notice. next time i went out he asked where was i going i said go get lost. but i was going to the bathroom. seemed he noticed the paper i had brought in before and asked why i had to get this paper. i explained to him to wiitte the number for the reserved book but since nothing was written on it he got uset. turns out he felt that i had just gone out to get attention. it took awhile to bring it out of him. he confess he had hold a grudge from our previous drinking moment where i had embarrased him i alone myself. it was more tha just that. he said he should of just broken up with me, he was soo close oon doing it. i explain my side to the story with sorry and honesty about the reality that he was th eonly man i wanted to get attention from. i was complte honest with everything that i said and cried. he just listened. and couldnt bare to see me cry. i said what would you like to do. i can only show youwith actions that that person is not me and my past should not define me as who am now and my future. i was willing to try. seems we agree. he invited me into his house and had dinner together. he seemd relaxed and a little more happy. he is still keeping distance but in my life still. what do you think?

II think he is just being very cautious as he does not want to get hurt or feel he has made a mistake. I suggest you continue to be as consistent and honest in your behavior with him. Thats all you can do. The rest is up to him but I can almost guarantee that if and when he sees you are what you say you are he may begin to be more trustful of you I know this is hard for you but if you were in his shoes you may feel the same way Remember I am here for you. I think he would like to have a relationship with you an d is willing to be open minded. Let me know your thoughts
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

been a cuouple more days and ever since that big talk things has been good. ive tried to be consistant and reasurring about my feelings towards him. v day was good he got me flowers and went for dinner. good times. sat came by and he had slept all day. ( he works night shifts) and sat night was his day off. i called him over to watch the walking dead he said after his soccer game he would come over. i had dinner surprise ready for him when he arrived during dinner i mentioned if he could come to my nephews b day party i would like for him to meet my uncle who came from guatemala. he said coming to my home he feels uncomfortable he is turning 22 and im 28 he feels like everyone is old and makes him uncomfortable. i undertood but he said he would make it around 1 0r 2 knowing the importance it was for me. during the night he said they got a conviction notice of 60 days to leave his home. in one occasion i brought up him coming tomorrow and he said ( ahhh dont bring more stress). i left it alone and didnt say anything. he started talking how he didnt feel confident playing soccer it was all bad. i just listened and hugged and rubbed his head. hour later he says he might go to his friends house and have a coupe beers. my face was like i dont like that im sure he noticed but we left it alone. he said goodbye and ill see you tomorrow. tomorrow comes around 2 i tx him he never replies. i went along with the birthday party and left around 6. i cried on my way home and spoke to a friend, i needed someone to talked to. after i took a shower and more rela icalled him, he picks up sounds like i jsut woke him up. i asked what happened. he replies saying i fell asleep. he asks if i was mad. i said i didt like it but will talk when we see eachother. he agreed and we said our goodbyes. i wasnt mad i was calm taliking to him, i didnt throw i fit . i was pround bc i acted like a women. and not a child. is monday n i have not yet talked to him. i feel like i should wait untill his ready to talk. ive been trying and all this hurts me and i would really like to hear ur advice. im trying my best to show him i am who i say i am. i dont waant us to hurt anymore and i know we arent perfect but where do we go from here, is he jsut slowly but surely giving up or am i rushing things to be where they were. oh and during our dinner i had also asked how was he doing since our last conversATION. he said good but we shouldnt talk about it more. ileft it alone aswell.

Thanks for the update. I think as I said previously, he may be just wanting to take things slow. He is a bit younger than you as you pointed out. Most men do not like to be chased after. He may need some time to sort things out for himself. I believe he likes you and enjoys spending time with you but let him be the one to call you and initiate spending time with you. I know you have great feelings for him and want to spend time with him, but if you smother him too much he may distance himself. I hope this is helpful.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Good timing he just called me and pretended like nothing happened not a sorry or anything just the usual how I was doing and what he was up too. In the end it's like we both expected each other to say I love you but it wasn't said at all. We ended by saying tttyl. What do you thinkMy voice was calm and collected but I'm sure he notice a bit short towards my end. Usually I would say i would say I love you if he didn't say or I would tx it to him but this time I didn't. Like you say I don't want to smother him or give in more than what his not giving . HI know he knows but I guess timing isn't ready to talk. Like you said slowly and I'm willing to take it slowly.
Good. I believe you are handling things quite smartly. I feel I have helped you the best I can for now. I appreciate your acknowledgment of my assistance. Imam here for you for any future needs. The best to you
ben0308 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Thank you for the positive rating. I wish you the best
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

after all of our issues this past few months have been good. great communication and i havent been needy at all and his been attentive as well. Just the other day the converstation happened about having kids. I mnetioned i would like to have kids and he says he does and he doesnt. he is 22 he wants to make more money, travel and get a new car, he wants to leave his young hood and not have the responsablity by having acar. i told him i understood that i to ned to be stable which im not in order to have that responsability im not ready too have them now eaghter. he says when his ready to cross that bridge will worry but right now no. when we fist stared even a coupke months behind he will say when we have our kids. or if we worked will get a house, and in tow years we were to be engage. why no tknow why the change. he goes back into 7 to 10 years and if i want to wait then we could and i said if we are still together yes we can but know i am too not ready. what could this mean. his not wanting to be with me in th elong run at all or what? i love him and even thoufh this has been brough up he still attentive and caring. why then he was so sure that now may not be.

Not really sure what all this means now. Perhaps he is just wanting to take things slow for now. Try not read into this too much. I do not think he is at all saying he does not want to be with you. You both are young and should not rush into anything right now. Just enjoy being with each other and the rest will happen when it's time
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

i hope you are able to read our last conversations about me and my bf who i dissapointed by getting drunk. 2 months its been a wroking progress. ive tried proving to him and showing him im not lying and everything im sayong or doing is to make us work. since the begginign of our relationship when we gotten into arguments ive always been the one to call back and talked things through. he never does the initiative to say im sorry even though he could be rude. but i let him know why im mad let it be and then when we meet i feel he is sorryby showing me attention and affectionate. but somethings happens the cycle continues. i feel taken for granted by him i cant always be the one to fix things. what about what i need from him. last week we did see eachohter at all he woulds initiate a date but his time he didint. there would be texes i would send and he wouldnt respond to unlike him. then he would call the next day like nothing an honestly i dont like confrontaion that i let it slide by. i had a toothache for awhile now thursday i had tx him i was taking out friday he replied hrs later saying good, so i called him while im in my way to work. he answer bnot in a good mood but we conversated for a little bit and he said if he didint go to work he would take me. the next day came along i didnt hear from him till 4 saying to call him aftyer the surgery. i tx bc i could not speak. he said to come over and hangout i said no if he could come and see me since i was in pain and couldnt drive. his respond was no i dont feel comfortable going to oyur house. i sadi i wont gdet into that but ok. he asked how was i doing and if i had meds. after a awhile i called him and said to come he doesnt even have to come i jsut wanted to see him unwilling to come he still did. he was tired moody and with an attitude. i could understand he gets like that when his reallly tire and i could tell but i always think about him this time i was just wanting his comfort. the time there was silence. he was anxious not wanting to be there. i said oookay and he was like whats with the sarcasm i replied whats with the attitude. he said he was fine with his attitude so i gave him the same responce. he then says his leaving he doesnt wsant to argue. i said we havent seen eachother all week he cuts me off and says stop trying to play victim. once he said that hurt me and i got mad and said whyare you calling me victim. the more frudtrtated he got and said he was lwaving after a hort time not getting anything from him i walked out and mubbled as i did. he left. i felt so hurt. i was drug up on vicadin nc i was in pain, his been ignoring my texes and then i get this attitude from him. so unfair. he had said he didnt get any texes he didnt even turned of his phone could be true but none out of three hard to imagine. we once had a tx message like this and he was angrily saying you didint answer my tx i said i did after sometime he said i just got it sorry. so even if he didnt got them right away he should of later. i, always trying even after i kow i mest up on our one year ive been trying and he has too we been through worse but this time i needed him and all got was selfishness all about him first. f min after this i called him he didint answer and now its been six days we havent conversated. i miss him but im alawys initiating first and ive been fine doing it but this time i feel its unfair he should take resposability for the how he acted and how he was talking to me. i know he was tire but its that an enough excuse to be silent for days. ive been strong not to call but how long is enough !!

there has been times when i know he feels insecure. ive tried to be me by going to the gym i tell him who im with then he asks do they try getting at me they better not. a phone number on my phone i showed him it was the gym bc i was on a week trial i called infron of him to show him is no one else. we had sex and hsaid i was loose. if i had put sometingon there. in my head iwas mad but i took as ajoke bc i was not doing anything, i went to the bathroom and as i come back the doodr is lock. when he finally asnwers i said i have afeeling your thinking im doing somebody else. im not dont think negative you could see my phone, email, facebook im not lying. he said no but caled down nc i had reassured him and i know he felt my hnesty. but when i think about the door been lock i know he was looking at phone. all this things ive let them be bc i know ive mest up and i love him. ive done nothing my countious is clear as to why its the many reasons i dont want make the initiave this time. ive taken all this. he has noit found anything to say im gulity. 6 days not talking after me being there when he needs me even tohelp him with his hwrk. i got tooth pull and he cant be there. what should i do. my heart is telling me call and work things out but my mind is telling me no bc ive done evertyhing i could i want to feel interested by him i want to feel reassurance his willing to fight for just as much as do. thoughts, please!

Unfortunately I am not an ongoing therapist for you for free. So if you wish to obtain further assistance you need to submit your question as you initially did
ben0308 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

if you could answer ive tried pasting the question to ask how you would like but I cant, I would def add a bonus to your help. im sorry if I made it seem I just wanted it for free im going through a lot and you have been great help for me. please read my issue and I will add a bonuss to your great service. thanks

Sorry. I don't know why you were unable to post I feel your distress but it sure sounds like this relationship is mostly one-sided and you are the one investing most of the time and energy into it. I hate to see you upset and hurt by this man's treatment and behavior to you. You deserve to be treated with respect and I'm not sure I am seeing that from him. A good strong relationship works both ways and each person should WANT to be there for the other one in good times and bad. As much as you care for this person if he is not showing the same feelings for you then as hard as it may be it may be time to move on. Thoughts?............
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I found out he has been cheating for months. I up two and two together and it's true. I was more upset of myself than anything for missing the signs and be love blinded. No wonder why the obsesses about know every step I made. Not seeing him and when we did this past weekend he broke up with me. But I didn't put two and two together till after the breakup. I had send him a tx and I said not to worry about bringing my jacket I donated to bitches you've been f**king for months. And as for the 200 dollars I'll take that as an apology gift. Since I had owe him 200. Never replied. Why do men try to leave a second life if they aren't happy with the one the in. Why wait so long. I was the second plate. She became the first so why boer to have me as his girlfriend. I'm hurt but so upset of his treatment. He knows dam well how I feel about cheating and he went ahead and did it anyway. I wasnt going to walk out not saying anything. That's why si texted what I say. Thought
I'm so sorry this has happened but unfortunately not surprised. You have every right to be mad and upset but try not to be so upset with yourself. The main take away from all of this should be that you have learned something from it so that you will not allow this to happen to you again. You are a good person and will find someone who deserves you and will respect you