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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question
Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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How do I explain to my 85 year old husband I dont want sex

Customer Question

How do I explain to my 85 year old husband I don't want sex any more but I just want companionship
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.

I would like to help you. Do you mind if I ask your age in order for me to give you accurate advice?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.

If you could also let me know how long you both have been together and how long have you been feeling this way would help in my answer.

I await your responses in order to help you best.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Coming up 60 years of marriage 10 years feeling like this
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for your reply. 60 years of marriage is a long time and people do change. It is normal for our feelings about sex to change as we age. Some continue and some stop completely. This is really a personal choice. The problem here is that your husband does not want to stop. He still enjoys it and gets pleasure from it whereas you just want companionship. I can certainly understand that. However, the problem is in a relationship both partners have a say, so when one does not agree it can be very difficult on both. Sex is a natural factor of a relationship, so he feels as though you are depriving him of it when you are not wanting to do it. On the other hand you no longer want it and this can be for various reasons including age, health, and etc. You may just be at this time in your life and not want to change. It is difficult to give you a way to tell him this since you both are in the right. However, maybe there is some type of compromise you can both make. If there is no way and you are set on not having it then the best thing you can do is talk from your heart and let him know how you are feeling and why. Be sure to let him know how much you love him and why you feel this way, so he does not take it personal. All in all it would be up to him to accept this and if not he would then need to decide on how to proceed. Depending on that you also have the opportunity to make some type of agreement that you can live with and that would satisfy both your needs.

About him thinking you are having an affair he may just not be able to believe that you do not want sex, so he thinks you are having an affair. Since he enjoys it so much he finds it hard to believe that you do not, so must be with someone else. I would express to him how well he knows the person you are, so you are taking it as an insult that he would think that about you meanwhile you have been together so long. He should know you better than that by now. You can also tell him and show him how you have nothing to hide as you are not having an affair and have respect for him and yourself as well.

Please let me know if I can help your further and I wish you the very best.