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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Is joking with the oppisit sex concedered a form flirting if

Customer Question

Is joking with the oppisit sex concedered a form flirting if someone is in a relationship. My boyfriend jokes with females online that he doesn't even know. And when I told him I feel it's disrespectful to me he didn't accept and said it's how I take things and I should change how I react to things. I told him he's opening doors and might be sending a misleading messages to these girls and making them feel special. He disagrees. Please help me I'm very hurt that he's not seeing my point.

Thank you
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.

I am sorry you are going through this and I do understand why you are hurt. If the joking is getting personal or sexually and is aimed at females only, which it seems to be from what you explained than it is disrespectful. I agree with you that he is opening the doors to them thinking he is available even though he is not as well as maybe available to cheat. Also, making other women feel good should not be a priority. His priority should be making you feel good. If it was indeed the right thing to do then he would compliment men as well. He may disagree because it can possibly be innocent in his eyes and want nothing further, but the fact that it makes you uncomfortable he should take that into consideration.

Now there are more liberal couples than others. Some people may think things are fine where others do not. This is something that the two people need to agree on within the relationship and hopefully be on the same page. If they are not on the same page then they either need to make a compromise to see if it is possible to stay together even with the different views or chose to move on.

My opinion is that it is very disrespectful and he should consider your feelings. You have spoken to him about this and have not gotten anywhere. I would try again talking with him and be sure to leave out any blaming , pointing fingers, or judging. However, express your concerns and why you feel this way. Ask him why he believes there is nothing wrong with it and maybe give him possible scenarios of how one can get the wrong idea. I would also ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same exact thing with men. Would he mind? Asking a lot of questions are good rather than only saying what we feel because then we can understand how our partners think and feel about something. However, doing it in moderation and at the right time is important, so they open up rather than get defensive. This way we can better decide how to understand them in order to know how we can help them, work it out together, or even maybe move on.

Please let me know if I can be of further help and I wish you all the best.