Would like perspective of a male relationship expert please: I…

Dr. L,

Good news and bad news. The bad news is I have not sent the book to Allen yet. The good news is that I spontaneously sent him a short email with a link to my blog (I have a food blog ... writing a healthy cookbook for athletes).

I sent him the link to my recipe and wrote "Allen, you inspired me to create recipes using turmeric". He wrote back to me right away:

"That's a beautiful dish! I'll have to try it, and glad I could be of some influence there. I'm impressed with your page now live on Facebook- great job!
Cinnamon is also a great spice with antiinflammatory properties.
You know, with your ultra healthy readership, maybe throwing in a recipe or two that is gluten free might draw some people in. I'm personally not a big advocate of that diet, at least for those who don't have celiac disease, but it's not harmful, and soooo many people are into that.
You are very creative and talented!"

I replied by thanking him for his kind words and then asking his opinion about Paleo diet and a question about the protein powder he uses.

I guess it felt good he replied quickly and so kindly ... offering advice. He was also very complimentary which was nice. I hope I did the right thing by replying to keep the dialogue going.

I guess I should wait and still send the book as we discussed.

I know it is impossible to infer much from his email but it's a good sign right? Do you get a sense as to anything from the way he wrote it?

If I was in his shoes, and I didn't want to have a relationship with someone ... I would reply kindly as well to say "that looks great! glad I could help. Good job, I'll try it" but not sure if I would offer more advice etc ... maybe this is what guys do (problem solve). I'm looking too hard for signs he has more feelings for me, right?

Dr. L,

New question and new guy! (fyi I am still friendly with the guy I asked about months ago.)

I recently dated guy who we met as friends. I kept it as friends for 2.5 months b/c he's 12 yrs younger (he's 34). He knew my age & continued to show interest.

I felt like we got to know each other well as friends before dating: carpooled for 8 hrs 2x; spent weekends away w/group of friends,; exchanged emails, texts & met for dinners & ice cream (as friends). Then when he finally kissed me there was great chemistry and we became intimate & sex was great. We then dated; he seemed very eager to see me; he texted mostly every day and he asked to call/talk to me on phone; he kept in touch while I was out of town training; we talked about everything. He goes out of town with me for a big event and stays with me the whole weekend.

Then he tells me after 4-5 weeks of dating that he is too stressed and may want to move to another state to get away from his family and for a change, therefore he cannot be in a relationship now. He told me this after he took me out for a belated birthday dinner. We had a nice dinner, went out for a walk in town to get ice cream and he took time. It was like any other date. He dropped to bomb when we got home and sat down. I was stunned.

His father was diagnosed with skin cancer (which is treatable) & his work is very stressful (he wants to change careers/maybe go back to school) and he says he knows 'how he can get' when he was depressed following the death of his mother 5 years ago due to cancer. He says he likes to be alone sometimes (particularly in times of stress0 and he recently drove off for 4 hours to no where. He says he just goes to his room & listens to music. I asked him about our age diff and he told me the thought never entered into his mind and that his decision has nothing to do with me.

I was calm but surprised and just told him it was ok & that I understand. He said he was going back & forth, and he is sorry. He made a point to say that he didn't seek to have a short term fling with me; that he was in search of something longer term. I asked if he was telling me the truth, he said yes but wish I asked more. I was too caught off guard to think.

Does the rubber-band apply after 4-5 weeks of dating if we were friends for 2 months before? He's good about communicating & I am the first one he reaches out to when he needs to vent/talk. He texted/called almost every day (mostly text but initiated calls - I never called him, I let him take the lead and chase me). I felt good that he is comfortable talking to me about anything and early on he showed his vulnerable side, sharing about his regrets when he lost his mom; his difficult relationship w/his dad; hopes & dreams in life; a little about his last long-term relationship. It was a good relationship from my perspective and I didn't push. The ONLY thing I noticed was that he might have been hesitant to be public as a 'couple' in front of mutual friends but not too bad. I kinda felt the same way as I wanted to avoid gossip & drama during the early fragile stages of our relationship. (We both belong to a triathlon club where we met and have the same circle of friends.) I did not feel insecure about it and was going to wait until 2-3 months went by before we were an official 'couple'. I did not have the 'are we BF/GF conversation as it seemed he and I were on the same page, enjoying getting to know each other and having fun.

Do I believe him? Or do I wait and see if he reaches out to me in a couple of weeks? I'm confused b/c we were friends and it ended so suddenly. Good friends that get along w/common interests/compatible + chemistry should last longer than 4-5 weeks? What should I do? Thought about either:

1) Writing a letter (very gentle & understanding) expressing my thoughts 2) or asking him to meet me to chat briefly where I would ask him "what is the primary thing about ME that you made your decision on" and to say "why not break up with me or whomever when you do decide to move"?

I'm very confused. Girlfriend says he needs space & telling the truth. Guy pals think he is not telling me something, lost interest, etc. I really feel we have potential (assuming he feels the same way). What do I do? Talk to him (for purposes of closure) because there is no hope? Do nothing and see if he comes back? Send him a letter for both closure and maybe he'll think about it over time and then come back?

Again, many 'schools of thought' in this. One camp (mostly guys) say he made his decision and he is telling me what I want to hear as to not hurt my feelings and something changed or he made a decision I am not long-term potential; that he just came up with an 'excuse' to soften the blow but taking me out to dinner before is 'eccentric' as 1 friend put it.

Girlfriends thinks he is telling the truth.

It was hot and heavy when we started dating and we took it slow before. He just was in contact and eager to be with me.

Then he was stressed when he father came home so that makes his story plausible. But you would think you'd want someone you are 'hot' for and can talk to, to be around to lean on as your friend/lover through tough times? I'm the first one he called whenever something happened (as soon as his father came home; when something happened at work; when he fell and got a concussion and is sitting in ER).

I want to talk to him but afraid to; and not sure of the timing.

Wow. I wasn't expecting such a strong answer about him. So you don't think it is possible that he

1) either changed his mind about me; found something that made him think I'm not the one (even though I think he really liked me & spent 4 hrs and many times, seeing how well I handle stress to know me)

2) our possibly running into his 'cave'?

Should I continue to be friends with him or keep a distance? I really like him. He is a good guy I think.

I don't think he's the type to 'run' as you say. His father is difficult and he has stuck by him so he is loyal I think. He is also helping his brother who is financial issues. He is a very thoughtful person and has taken good care of me. He mentioned that he could not feel responsible for a relationship and I can see he has to be responsible for himself (job); his father (he lamented that he would probably have to take care of him from now on) and his brother. He is talking out loud and sharing all this with me. Given what I know about his past and what he goes through, I will say that he is turned out pretty good ... polite, thoughtful, caring, nurturing ... I'm not saying that because I want to believe it ... he's a stand out guy.

yes, how he handled it was disappointing.

This may sound crazy ... but he has good standards for himself ... I've seen his behavior in public, with friends and strangers ... so maybe I'm making this up in my head because I want it to be true, but I can see him wanting to be a good boyfriend to me ... he respects me and feeling like he would disappoint me. He mentioned to me that he 'knows how he was when his mother passed' and how he got depressed, and went into his 'cave' and he voluntarily talked about his most recent long term relationship that lasted for 3 years saying that the complaint about him was that he wasn't willing to 'fight' and swept things under the rug.

Again, I'm making it up in my head but maybe he wants to be a better partner. Now my theory would be better supported if he told me he needed some time to figure things out; or maybe he is afraid I won't go to Portland with him, etc.

I was also impressed that he asked me what qualities I look for in a man ... I worried that he may feel insecure about his job, that he doesn't make as much $ as me ... he wants to be a firefighter and I told him I almost married one and was very supportive .... I think he sees me as an accomplished independent woman.

So do nothing? Don't talk to him at all about this? Don't ask him any questions and keep my distance?

It's such a shame. Or maybe the 4-5 weeks weren't as wonderful for him? I just can't see it ... the way he took care of me. He is very nurturing and I can see he really enjoyed taking care of me. He even said, he is a nurturer and looks for those qualities in a mate.

There is only 1 thing that I'm worried about and that is he wants children someday and I just turned 47. He knows my age. I don't know if that # XXXXX him out. He says it never entered his mind and he has dated older women int he past. (He is almost 35).

Thanks. XXXXX was concerned that it might be moving faster and not that I did anything. I was worried because a friend of mine asked him when she ran into him "where's your girlfriend" and I wish she hadn't. He replied 'she's at concert' which I was. Also, I gently asked him if he would accompany me to a party and did so in a way that it was no pressure and when he declined I was totally casually about it.

But would a guy really leave the relationship completely, jeopardizing the friendship, if it was moving too fast. Why not say, let's take it slow?

I realize 4-5 weeks is a short amount of time but we were good friends for 2.5 months and during that time, we spent some pockets of quality time together. On 2 occasions we carpooled for 4 hours each way. The 2nd time we carpooled was his idea. He met me for dinner/ice cream after our workouts as friends, so he got to know me over that period of time and he started to like me after we spent a couple weekends with a group camping and training. After a weekend and 8 hours in the car, I could tell we enjoyed the time together and he really liked me.

If we just met and dated 4-5 weeks, I would not be asking for advice at all. It's the fact that we were friends that bothers me A LOT and that he knew me and should have had enough data/figured out some feelings for me before becoming intimate. If anything, we got closer and he seem to feel really comfortable sharing thoughts and feelings that you only share with someone close (he talked about his mother and cried) it was out of the blue following a random conversation we had that led to a discussion about his mom.

I just don't want to sound desperate if I call him to chat. I'm being a wimp here, but what if I sent him a letter expressing my thoughts and see if he responds or should I chat with him directly so he cannot think about his answer and 'create' a response the he thinks would be safe?

Hi there! I just tried to give you a rating and looks like the payment came through so you will get credit for continuing to help me.

This is a followup to my previous question to you.

So I sent a text to Ted about 10 days ago that read:

I admire that you are consistently there for your family & friends & want you to know that if you need support, I'd try to comfort you in return. I'd like to meet to talk more if you are willing. When would be a good time?

He replied 48 hours later:

Hey, thanks for the note. Things are a little hectic right now and I'm going to be out of town a few days this week. Maybe then following week. I'll let you know. (and he inserted a smiley face ... maybe to show he will followup ?)

It's been 9 days since he replied and no date set.

I am still CONFUSED. I want to know if it is one of two things below:

1) I believe everything he said about how he cannot be in a relationship & it has nothing to do w/me. I don't believe in trying to convince him otherwise. He needs to make his own decision but I want to make sure there is not misunderstanding b/t us. He said some things that convinces me he is very stressed & concerned that he cannot be there for me in the way HE expects of himself or HE believes I want from him.
2) I am naive. I didn't see the 'signs'. I should have noticed A,B & C before getting involved with him. Had I paid attention, I would have seen that he was just liked me, but not as much as I thought he did. What can I learn from this for the future; what could I do differently to protect myself? He simply was not "into" me

I saw him 2 days ago at a trail run and did not acknowledge him. He came up to me to say "hello" and chatted a bit. He then chimed in conversations I had with the group. I was friendly and joked with him. I thought he was checking me out & stealing glances at me.

If there is a chance he will come around, I'm willing to be patient and maximize my chances. If there is no chance, I want to talk to him and learn what he is truly feeling/thinking. Should I reach out to him 1 more time and send him this:

I hope the friendship we have is enough for you to have the respect and trust to be willing to have more of a conversation with me. I was caught off guard. After all, I was only looking forward to celebrating my birthday again with you. I fully accept what you said to me that night. You had time to think about us and you were prepared to speak of how you felt. Unfortunately, I was unable to share how I felt and to have a dialogue with you. I respect your decision and have only good thoughts about you. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out for a variety of reasons. It would help me if you were willing to feel comfortable talking to me. We had been open and caring of one another as friends and as we were dating.
I was not going to ask again as I extended the invitation last week already and you seemed to be open to it. I was getting ready to add my race report to my blog and there is a brief mention of you. I appreciated having you there and enjoyed your company. The theme of my race report is to enjoy the journey without regrets. I would regret not letting you know that it would mean a lot to me if we could meet to talk. My goal is to learn something from this.

Unfortunately, I went ahead and sent the note before I got your reply ... oh well :-(

Is that really bad? Did that make me look desperate? I was told by someone else that I have nothing to lose? I did feel a little better having sent it. I felt it speaks about our friendship and maybe I am naive, but he's got to know that his not replying will impact our friendship?

I was not expecting him to change his mind about the relationship at all. I wanted to get my closure ... to talk, so I could have peace of mind and understanding. Another guy pal asked me if I heard from him b/c he texted him a few times w/ no reply so this is the 2nd guy who Ted has not responded to so at least it's not just me he is not responding to

From your experience, is it really possible that Ted is telling me the truth about the reason why he can't be in a relationship? Or is he really no into me and can men really "act" that good? Is it possible for him to appear so interested in me, genuinely interested, for 2.5 months, to know me well, and then it seemed to be wonderful chemistry between us & we are so compatible ... and then something happens in his life that has nothing to do with me? Have you seen this before with any of your male patients? Do they ever 'wake-up' and try to find the girl that got away?

Or typically, is this unlikely and that he simply was never really into me to begin with ... that it was just infatuation & he never intended to have a relationship with me?

The reason it hurts so much is because we were friends before .. he knew me. I guess I expected much more respect from him ... and from the times I've spent with him, sharing a rental a couple of times & training with him & having him over my house for parties before we dated, not to mention the times we met for a bite to eat , just as friends, then to finally kiss and date ... am I really that naive at age of 47 that this is what guys do? He just seemed equally as excited to text/talk on phone & to see me. He initiated 85% of it (as I was allowing him to chase me).

It just seemed so perfect ... 2 friends getting together. And like I said before, he just seemed like a really honest, thoughtful guy ... you say he seems dishonest to you ... I saw no sign of this when we were friends & when we dated. I'm just so, so, so surprised, stunned, confused.

How should I behave around him if he does not respond? Do I remain friendly with him or do I ignore him and don't speak to him?

He agreed to talk to me tomorrow. I want to be realistic and get some answers at the same time, if he is telling me the truth, I want to handle it in a way that will give him a reason to come back.

One friend says that it requires me to be blunt, and act like he didn't get to me as much and say 'goodbye' firmly w/o drama (and I'm drama free anyway.)

Another said to ask him questions.

My thoughts were that I would start the conversation by telling him my intent is not to make him feel guilty or be upset with him; rather to figure out how I might prevent being 'surprised' as I was ... if I should have maybe asked him directly what his intentions were from the start rather than make some assumptions about how he might have felt for me.

I thought about making it light hearted and I know that in order for him to feel comfortable in sharing, he needs to feel safe & comfortable so I will try to do that and show no negative feelings and hide my hurt, other than to admit, yes, you did hurt me at the start of the conversation.

Any tips on what I should ask or say to him that gets me the closure I need yet leave him thinking he might have made a mistake down the road? (e.g., get him to think, gee that made sense what she said & she handled that really well, we were able to have an honest conversation, etc?)

Hello again and Happy New Year

I wanted to give you an update and get your thoughts but I was waiting to see how things played out between Ted and I...

We met and spoke back in November. He ended up taking me out to dinner which was nice. I was lighthearted and behaved like the cheerful friend, like I had always been. We had to wait for a table so we ended up walking up and down the sidewalk which I used as an opportunity to start the conversation. I was trying to keep him relaxed and I heard talking, walking and speaking side by side is what men are most comfortable with (Helen Fisher). I joked around with him. He seemed at ease. I started by telling him that I was confused and felt hurt. I told him it was ok though. He is not the first guy to hurt me and I've been in his shoes too. I told him the purpose of meeting was to understand if there was something I could have done to avoid being hurt ... if I missed any 'signs' or 'clues' because I was worried I can be naive.

He said there was nothing. So I tried giving him almost a multiple choice, and asked him 1) did you at first thought my age did not matter but then you thought about it more and it did matter 2) did your feelings not grow for me 3) was it simply you are not into me anymore ... he said it was none of those things. I told him it is ok, if it was any of those things, I would not be upset with him ... he stopped walking, turned his body to me, and said "look, I don't know what you want me to say ... this has nothing to do with you". He said it firmly. So I paused and backed off a little.

i asked him, "you mean to tell me, that if your father did not come home from Greece that we would still be together". he said "yes".

I then asked "Walk me through what you think it would be like with me and your father being home"

I can't remember his reply exactly but I remember his got frustrated and made that audible noise .. like almost a sigh, and said "I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want the responsibility."

I said that I would think he would want someone in his life to 'talk to' or confide in ... (after all those are the perks of being in a relationship) and he replied I have my friends to talk to

I told him I understand. Then I said, a man told me once that "nothing keeps a man away from a woman he really wants to be with" ... Ted quickly said "NO, that is not true"

I asked about his past relationship and his last long term relationship which lasted 3 years and which was maybe 4 years ago, they never fought and the relationship ran it's course and it was mutual decision to end it. I asked him if he loved her. He said 'of course, we dated for 3 years'. He did say it was bad that they didn't fight ... only 1 argument and that he has been accused of not wanting to fight.

I cannot recall exactly where in the conversation he said it but he said "you are going to tell me I need therapy?"

and I looked at him and said "no, I was not going to tell you that"

We continued chatting. Then I tried a different approach. We sat on the bench, and I began to tell him "I just want you to know, how much I appreciated having you there at Ironman Lake Tahoe for me. It meant a lot especially when I DNF'd ... I was grateful that you happen to be there, exactly when I got stopped on the bike. I almost cried when you hugged me. My only expectation from you, since we were friends all along, and before we dated, was for you to be authentic with me."

He turned his head, and I thought I saw a glimmer in his eyes, looked me right in the eye and said "I've been nothing but authentic with you." The way he said it, and the way he looked at me, right in my eyes, I really believed him.

When we sat for dinner, I pretended to roll up my sleeves and said, "ok this is where I will shine the swinging light in front of you so you will tell me the truth" and I joked ... he took the joke well and said "bring on the sodium penthanol" (or whatever it's called). I kept it light, cheerful, non-confrontation and felt I did everthing I could to allow him to be honest with me. I told him it was ok ... I'm hurt but I'm ok if you tell me the truth. He would not tell me any more.

We had a good time and then I let it go and we talked about other stuff. he shared things with me like he did in the past. He asked to use my bathroom at my house (he could have gone at the restaurant i suppose) then he said goodbye. I gave him a hug and gave him a kiss on the cheek ... he quickly kissed neck and gave me a warm hug and kiss. He smiled and that was it.

I texted him to invite him for Thanksgiving with my friends ... no pressure because he told me, he was not of his plans that he might just grab fast food and that's it. So I felt bad and invited him and his father. He politely declined. We chatted via email over the past several weeks but mostly me initiating. I would ask questions about mountain biking. I have been wanting to buy one for a long time and we had been talking about it for months he is a good mountain biker and knows a lot about bikes. So he would give me advice. I saw him at our big race in Dec. He was running the 50K and I was running the marathon. It was a trail race. I could see him looking around. His race started 2 hours early and I went up to him to say "hi". He looked happy to see me. He finished much earlier than me but he said he waited to see me finish for a bit. I was ok that he didn't wait. It was super cold and he was tired from his race. He sent me a text congratulating me on my 1st trail race.

I just don't know what to make of our meeting. I want to believe him. I do believe him with some things he says... like the way he said "it has nothing to do with me" and "that he's been authentic".

I went back and re-read all of the text messages since April when I first met him and you can see how real it was.

Are men so different from women that they can do a 180 just like that? He was definitely interested in me and it bothers me we were friends before. He flirted and he many opportunities to get to know me before dating me. You typically don't get that benefit when dating. It is the non-commitment get to know you ... really get to know you by seeing you train, in social settings, under pressure during a race, without make-up etc. We had ice cream, dinners, went to a movie and drove 4 hours each day together ... what the heck?

I wished him merry xmas and he texts right back ... and I sent him a birthday card ... he thanked me for it ... but when I wrote back 48 hours later "you're welcome and asked him if he got the new Garmin watch for working out" he has not responded yet. He forwarded an email about a mountain bike demo which I replied thanking him and asked him a question and he had not replied. He typically replies quickly. I know he's working a lot this month.

And today I saw a picture of him and a really attractive girl, his age, running a trail with another guy and girl. Of course, it is probably like the photos he had with me and my friends, but this one bothered me because he held her iPhone (I know I'm talking like a high school girl) and it hit me in my gut. I made up a story that he is flirting with her.

I am attractive and I know he is very attractive to me but he's 35, I'm 47 (I look 35) and she is 32. I don't blame him. I just rather he tell me the truth ... that he thought he'd be ok with my age but the more he thought about it, the more he could not do it and he really likes me and doesn't want to hurt me ... but it hurts me to hear him "lie" if he is lying. Does that make sense?

I didn't allow him to get close to me at first because of our age diff. He admitted after he kissed me that he took his time too and waited so long to kiss me. Every time we met, he was genuinely excited to see me and enjoyed my company.

I had not felt like this in 20 years ... no joke. and even he said, that he felt like he was in high school again. It just felt so good just to hang with each other. then he grew cold.

I friend told me to tell him I miss him and I have nothing to lose but tell him how i feel.

another says walk away with my pride and dignity.

the other says that being honest is being dignified.

I have drafted a letter, that is kind, that tells him how I feel, my concerns about our conversation, how I believe it is my age and that I truly don't blame him ... he is a young, good looking guy, a gentleman, fun to be with and he can attract a young, attractive woman, like the girl in the photo I saw ... i am sad but I can see him with her ... makes me sad ... very sad but I can see them together.

Again ... I can hold my own ... I am attractive, athletic, fun and youthful so I don't sell myself short but I am realistic too ... and if he wanted a family and a younger woman, that is what I would expect ... of course I wish he would pick me over her ... and find me much more wonderful ... :-)

I want to know what he feels ... I wish I had a chance to ask him when we met, what he was 'thinking" ... what the "conversation" he had with himself ... he told me he was going back and forth with this when we broke up ... I wanted to know what the pros and cons were ... I just want to know the truth ...and I am afraid that I will regret not telling him how I feel; I'm afraid I will scare him further away; I'm afraid of what he will think of me ... but then again, why should that matter?

What do you make of his conversation with me and what do you think about writing a letter and expect no reply?

Do you think he's telling the truth? Do you think he misses me?

At the race, they recorded the start. I was surprised to see him turn around at the start after I wished him luck, I walked away. He watched me for a bit and when I started to turn around, he looked down. I watched it 10x. Is he just looking at my ass ... or is he really missing me ... looking for me, watching me?

Is he being distant now to protect his feelings and avoid missing me? He sometimes asks me about things ... he sometimes takes the time to write me a long response with good information about mountain biking ... but other times he does not reply.

Life would be easier if we could read each other's minds I think :-)

He has a difficult relationship with his father who is an immigrant Greek man. His father lives in Greece 10 months out of the year and came home early, the week after we returned from my Ironman Lake Tahoe. He texted me that evening how his father came home at night early w/o telling Ted. Ted was scared and grabbed a knife thinking it was an intruder. He texted how scared he was and said "this is the shit show that is my father" and then went out at 11 pm to get him a burger and beer. I texted back "you are a good son". His father didn't like Ted to play sports and Ted is very athletic - played college basketball. He yells at Ted a lot and told me that his father is just an unhappy man and grumpy ... that he gets yelled at so much that he almost hit him with a vase (Ted would not do that) but he said he needs to move out or he fears he'll kill his father (he does not mean that literally); his mother was very calm and patient woman. She died of cancer 5 years ago. The parents did not let Ted and his brother know how sick she was so he was not prepared for her death. He cried when he told me the story ... it was unexpected ... he was driving us back from a run. He said he wish they told him; he would have done things differently. He did say something to the effect "I know how I was ... i was depressed and withdrawn" ... so his father came home early from Greece because he was diagnosed with skin cancer and refuses treatment. Ted said he's going to drag his father to the doctors. Father also has orthopedic issues with his shoulders which are artificial and he is in a lot of pain. Ted said that he may be taking care of his father for the rest of his life. A good friend of mine who is Greek told me that there is a lot of pressure for the oldest child in the family to take care of the family in Greek culture. Ted told me his is very nurturing and that he is attracted to a nurturing woman in a separate conversation.

All my friends agree his is holding back but that they think this hot, super nice 35 year old decided my age was a factor and he is not admitting to it. I tried asking him directly when he first broke up with me and then again when we met to speak but his won't budge. He said I was too attractive for him to think about age ... said that it never crossed his mind.

I don't know ... for me to let go I would write him a letter b/c I want him to know how confused I am and that I care but I would tell him that it is ok and that I understand if he seeks a younger woman and that I see him with a younger, attractive, wonderful woman. That he will have no trouble attracting one. I really mean that. I want him to be happy and that I am sad and how good it was to be with him. But there is that tiniest bit of hope, that he will come around. And so I am afraid.

Do I continue with our friendship? He offered to take me mountain biking a long time ago and I just sent him a note asking him if his offer from way back when still stands. I wonder if he was asking back then because he was trying to impress me/date me? But I would imagine a friend would do this. I sense he is hesitant. Is he afraid I will get wrong impression or is he no longer interested in being my friend. Are guys that much different than woman? In your experience, men don't respond well to such honesty? I received a similar letter from my first love who I had not seen in 17 years He lives in Colorado now and I live in California. I appreciated the letter very much but refused to meet with him. I think it was good for him to send it and I sent a nice reply. My father wrote letters to my mother for 2 years and she did not speak to him nor reply. Then got back together after 2 years. But in these cases, the men are writing. I understand that the man should be the hunter/chaser so in my case, the best thing to do is to let him decide if he wants to chase me? That if there is any hope, that is the best. But if I don't feel there is any hope, then write the letter. And I wlll be clear that the intention of the letter is to tell him, that is what I believe/feel and it is ok that I accept it and expect he will go on to find his love someday and that I wish it for him. And I truly mean that. Maybe it's just me ... but I think we should put it all out there and people don't tell each other how much they adore/like/love/appreciate enough. I read on the web ... that woman must be mysterious to 'captivate' a man, etc. Is that true or just a bunch of crap? Yes I have walked away from many and vice versa. I have had guys try to contact me after several months to try to reconcile. This guy is different.

1) Do you think he misses me?

2) Are men so different in their ability to compartmentalize. rationalize and slower to fall in love that they can go through the motions of courtship, act so interested then decide they really don't want you?

3) Do you think I missed some 'clues'? I've been told by men that I'm easy to be with. But I wonder (and I asked Ted this directly) if I'm too naive and overlook the 'signs"? I mean, he called me/texted me almost every day. It was him who asked to talk to me. It was him who was a super nice friend and invited himself to say in our rental in Tahoe, drive up with me, etc. It was him who pursued me. But when he said "do chicks digs scars" when he got stitches on his forehead, did I not notice that he was asking me if other chicks he would potentially be pursuing dig scars or was it just a saying?

I know you cannot read Ted's mind. I just don't understand how, in a matter of 4 weeks, he is so into me, calling, facetime, flirting, telling me he feels like a teenager around me and then drop me?

All of my friends tell me that the story about his father is just a 'cover' and that he had been thinking about this for a while, perhaps before his father came home.

My fear is that it is me ... and that if the right woman, a younger one, came along, he would be in a relationship tomorrow. I am not dismissing that you tell me it's got nothing to do with me ... I want to believe that but I worry, that it has everything to do with me ... because I cannot imagine, no matter what is going on in my life, walking away from someone who feels so good and so right to me.

You advised me about another guy a while back named Allen. We were right about him ... he really does not want to be in any relationship and that had nothing to do with me. He is still single and he is a friend. In fact he is taking me mountain biking. But with Ted, I worry more. I accept whatever it is .. but its the ambiguity that is killing me. I want to know ... was it real? I want to know if he really considered me as someone he would consider for the longer term. I want to know if I was completely foolish and blindsided ... to feel so confident that this guy really, really wanted to be in a relationship with me and had enough time with me as friends that he should have been certain he wanted to be my boyfriend ... but then he left just 4-5 weeks into the relationship. It is just heartbreaking. It makes me feel really bad ... only 4 weeks and you are done? I'm sure you see this all the time? And that guys do this? They chase because they are programmed to and then they figure out the girl is not right for him?