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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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As background, I have been married for the past 9 years. Certainly

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As background, I have been married for the past 9 years. Certainly there have been ups and downs in the relationship (as in everyones). About a year ago we had a pretty rocky time. Fighting alot, no sex for about a year (YIKES) and quite a bit of resentment. Luckily we worked everything out and our lives are back to normal. However, during that time, I started hanging out with a buddy of mine that I met at work and we became much closer. He helped me out alot with advice regarding my marriage and was a great shoulder to "cry" on. During that time, I started to develop a non-friend attraction to him - not truly sexual, but definately what I would call a homo-erotic attraction. I have had some dreams (both awake and asleep) about us fooling around (manual and oral stuff). I assume its just some type of transference since he helped me out last year with the wife, but I am not too sure.

I did have one interaction when I was in undergrad with a different friend of mine....basically a drunk night with porn and masturbation that turned into us manually relieving each other. Never had another occasion to be interested in that, until now. I certainly have no desire to cheat on my wife (and I know he has no such feelings towards me and is also married), but can't stop thinking about these feelings/attractions.

I guess my questions are....Is this healthy? Do I talk to him about it to try and work it out and get them to stop? Don't think saying anything to my wife would be helpful.
Some amount of fantasizing is normal. However if you entertain the thought that you want to act on them then not so much. If this takes away from your relationship then it isn't healthy. Many people fantasize about different people and never let that leave their subconscious. I don't think it would be a good idea to tell him as it serves no real purpose. Your wife would be hurt and it would change the friendship. If it is truly harmless then I wouldn't tell. You have to decide what heals your conscience. Thoughts do not harm anyone and if you tell your wife she may be very hurt even comparing herself to him. See how things go over the near future and decide what purpose it serves. this may fade away when you least expect it
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