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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My 21 year old daughter is in relationship with 42 year old

Customer Question

My 21 year old daughter is in relationship with 42 year old man seperated with 3 children.he was also her boss at a retail store and has recently been fired by the company. We have told her to break it off but she refuses and doesnt want to be with her family or friends.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.

I understand that you are concerned for your daughter being with this man. However, by continuing to tell her to break it off will only be counterproductive leading her to him more. Rather than telling her to break it off I would recommend you just asking her out to spend time together. Maybe for lunch, shopping, or something you both enjoy doing together. Just enjoy the time together not mentioning anything about her relationship. This will cause her to see that she will not be hounded about her relationship and may cause her to spend more time with you both. From there I would little by little express your concerns in a worried way showing her your love for her. Don't judge, point fingers, or talk bad about this person unless there is something major wrong about him then mention that, but in a carefult way. If it is agen job situation, and children then I would just mention good points about him as well as let her know you respect her relationship, but are concerned for her future and give examples. By taking this approach it can cause her to be more open to listen and consider these reasons even if she does not admit it to you, but when she is alone she will remember. Overall she is an adult now and able to make her own decisions. I know as parents we do not always like our children's decisions, but all we can do is help them because demanding things even though that is what we feel like doing is not always best. When they are adults sometimes the only way is for them to learn from experience, but of course we should always do our part anyway in the best manner possible.

I hope everything works out and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

one other thing she has 2 years left in college, which I fund as well as an off campus apartment & car payment. Should I stop these funds. We went away for a week and spent the whole time on her phone texting, (I know for a fact that he has spend time at her apartment). what is you advice on this.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
That is a tough decision because you do want her to stay in school. By stopping that may lead her more to him and out of school. Is the school close by where she can stay home and maybe take public transportation or even live on campus? If so that may be something to think about. I just would not want her to stop school. If school was not involved I would tell her if she is old enough to make her own decisions then she can also support herself. However, in this case it can lead her more to him, which would be counterproductive as well. I would consider if she can live at school or home and if not I would continue it, but I would not offer any other financial assistance. I would also continue talking with her little by little. It may take time before she fully understands. At that age most tend to think they are making all the right decisions and no matter how much we do or say they do not realize until later on. Also, phones now days are so very common. When you both go out together try to get on her level and do something she likes. Maybe let her pick where to go or what to do and make a deal no phones for that time to actually enjoy unless an emergency situation.

Hope this helps!
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
Please let me know if I can be of further help to you. Stay positive and in time things will work out.

All the best!