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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I am a 43 year old woman recently divorced, 2 small kids. He

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I am a 43 year old woman recently divorced, 2 small kids. He is 45, single, no kids, never married, has never been in a long term intimate relationship before. We have known each other over 10 years with mutual friends. A little over a year ago started to hang out more with mutual friends or going by ourselves going to dinner, movie or just hanging at his house watching TV, since I was going through separation & ultimatley a divorce. We have same interests, common backgrounds & he lives in same town as I work in. In beginning it was purely friendship, but on my part & his I thought it grew into more the last 8 months. I knew I needed to keep it a low profile, since I was only separated, not divorced, he knew this too. But he initiated a makeout session about a week after I moved out, so I thought ok he wants to go to the next level with me. We texted, call, go out, hang out, kiss a little which I mostly initiated (the kissing part) but nothing too major for about 4 months. He asked me to go camping with him with the mutual friends, so I knew we would be sleeping in a tent by ourselves. We each had our own air mattresses, but I kinda teased him that I would like to cuddle together. He went with that, but I could tell he was a bit nervous about it. So we had another makeout session, which I started, but he did respond somewhat aggressively. I knew he wasn't the type to just sleep or have sex with anyone. He seemed to really enjoy our kissing. His birthday came & I wanted to do something special, was planning on one thing which was a bit spendy, he suggested doing something else, I'm sure he didn't want me to spend that much on him, which that was sweet of him. Had great time, great conversation on the way there & back which was an hour each way. On the way back he invited me to his sister's wedding in a month, which I thought was a big deal. I said yes. Anyways got closer to home, since it was relatively early, he asked if to go out to a bar, I told him I would drive, but he kept on buying me drinks, so he ended up driving, So I ended up staying at his house, since we were driving my van, but again it was my suggestion that we sleep together (I spose I did want to have sex). We both were very nervous, I asked him how long it has been for him he said "a while". It took a while to get the nerve to get things started, but once they did it was good, only thing was he didn't last very long at all. Next morning he made me breakfast, watched morning news, read paper & I left. After that I though we were on the same page with the relationship. Stayed over night a few more times, but just slept. Went to his sister's wedding, was introduced to family, had good time. Stayed with him that night, the same thing happened with him not lasting long. He said that had never happened before, but with the person before me, he said he couldn't climax. Which was 3 years prior. No big deal I told him. Continued going out, texting, that sort of thing. But I was the one that always suggested me staying the night. The last time we had sex, if you call me doing him, sex. He said he feels guilty that he can't last long, so he didn't even attempt to do it. I made him nervous he said. I'm thinking he's just maybe a bit inexperienced & possibly a little intimidated with me, since I had been married. Went to a New Years Party, I ask if I'm staying the night, he says no. We had spent the night 3 days prior together, but just slept. He says that he wasn't use to sleeping with anyone. But I tried to tell him, you need to do it more often to get used to that person. We get into a conversation on the way back from the party, cause I've been drinking I started asking what the problem was. He says that he wasn't on the same level as I was in the relationship & wasn't there yet & he thought he would just piss me off eventually. So we didn't end the night really good. The next morning I call & see if I could come over & we talk about this, which he agreed to do. He said he didn't want the night before to end like that & it bothered him that it did. So we talk, he tells me he just wasn't there yet with the level I was at. Also he informs me that he doesn't feel the connection with me as I do him. He said he is really uncomfortable with the intimate part. But he really likes hanging out with me, being very compatible & so forth he thought hey maybe he could make this work. So with the intimate parts, he was just trying. But I am confused, he seemed to enjoy our intimate moments together & initiated that first kiss, so I'm thinking he must have felt something....What really hurts that I asked if it would bother him if I would go out with someone else, he said no it wouldn't. So I was crying, he said he didn't want to hurt me. I texted later that night, telling him I was having tough time, if I would come back to his level & see what happens, he said Yes he would try something like that. I'll have to see what that level is. So am I wasting my time?
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

Please give me a moment while I read through your question carefully and prepare an excellent answer for you. I shall respond soon.

Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I don't need an answer right away, Monday will be fine.

Thank You.

Hi there,

Thank you for coming back to me. I endeavour to respond within the same day and usually within a half hour, I most certainly will have a response for you within this time frame. You are more than welcome to come back to read and respond as you wish.

Many thanks for your patience.
Kind regards, Karin
Hi there again,

It sounds as though he clearly is feeling intimidated by how much more confident you are compared to him when it comes to being intimate, his feelings may be of being inferior to you sexually.

You have put quite a lot of effort into this relationship; you keep going back and trying again and again and you don't seem to have allowed it to phase you. It seems that this may be your last effort to try and make things work out. You need to ask yourself whether you have strong enough feelings for him to try and make it work. Perhaps, you could consider trying to slow down the whole sex thing and giving it space. There are website and sex therapists that could provide suggestions into how to slow down and have more foreplay etc before reaching climax etc.. The problem also seems that now, he is quite conscious of how he performs sexually, in his eyes, he's performing a lot better than previously so it can't be all that bad however he knows he's 'letting you down'.

When you asked the question, if it would bother him and he said 'no', do you think that was his way of letting you go as he doesn't feel good enough? This may well be his way of pushing you away and that then leaves you free to be with someone else (it also means he doesn't have to confront his issues with sex).

I'm uncertain what 'his level' might be, is this going back to kissing? Everything other than sex? Would you be ok with that? If you felt you were compromising more than you really can, you may want to re-assess your intentions and reasons for this. If you felt that you really could slow down and go at his pace, you would need to ask what that is, or else you'll be left hanging and not knowing what to expect from him and what his expectations are of you.

It doesn't feel like you're wasting your time; all relationships experience some teething problems at one point or another. You both appear to like each other a lot, it depends on whether you have the love for him and the patience to try and work through this with him. You could work on it in this slow and gradual way but be aiming to try and progress to the next level.

Please accept my answer if my response has been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.

Kind regards, Karin
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for replying. I have talked to him recently about the level he was on, he wasn't sure, I said cuddling & smooching a bit? he was ok with that. He tells me that he feels no spark with me, he knows in his head that we are good together, but just can't make that emotional connection. He still wants to hang out with me, go out movies, dinner, etc. With him initiating that first kiss he said he was trying to get out of his comfort zone. He didn't say in words either way if was attracted to me, but I said he must not think I'm that terrible that he had the urge to kiss me for that long & sleep with with me if he's not attracted somewhat to me, since he's not the type just to sleep with just anyone. He seemed to agree with that. So I not sure what to think. Maybe I'm wasting my time, but am willing to give him some time. Is there a good chance he will change his feelings? Is there something I can to do to try to make this happen?

Hi there again,

It seems he's still very unsure of his feelings. He needs to decide one way or the other as its very unfair on you to have to wait. He appears to have feelings for you yet he's not able to take the plunge any more than staying at this perceived level of kissing/smooching etc.
To make this fair on you, maybe you need to decide on a timeframe and he maybe needs to be aware of this too, by when you can decide if this is what you want and whether this is all acceptable to you.

You need to decide whether you want to wait around for him to make his mind up about you or whether you need to cut your losses and let it be. This all depends on your needs - sexually, emotionally and mentally.
It's not possible to know if he will change his mind; if he is given some space - things may change, his feelings could change, but the question is, how long do you wait around for that to happen, a month, several months? This is something only you can decide.
Putting too much pressure will create too much anxiety for him, so patience will be needed, but you might need to decide how long.
Please accept my answer if my responses have been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Take care and best wishes, Karin

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