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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Im worried about my relationship with my husband. 9 months

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I'm worried about my relationship with my husband. 9 months ago I caught him out sending inappropriate messages to an old friend overseas. I confronted him about it in a very non-aggressive manner, we spoke about how we were both feeling in the relationship and while I struggled for a while with feelings of hurt, disappointment and sadness I moved on and did all I could to forgive him and try to trust again. 4 months later we found out I'm pregnant with our 5th child - which I desperately wanted, but he didn't. He says he's now all good with it and accepted it. We've sold our house and bought another which we move into next week and has been a big stress but something he's been looking forward to. However, at the start of December I noticed he was being very protective of his phone, hardly ever leaving it lying around, and though I have been working hard on trying to trust him again I also started checking it when I could to see if there was any evidence of something. I've discovered a few emails and messages between him and a work colleague, who he has never mentioned. The messages themselves are always short and not inappropriate in themselves, however they are usually asking or stating when each will be back and if/when they are alone or simply to meet in the kitchen. I've been trying to play them down, trying to convince myself they're innocent catch ups between friends but last night I saw one from him telling her 'come down I'm all alone here' and I haven't been able to stop worrying since. Should I take these as a problem? Could they be nothing? Should I confront him? I'm feeling very sad and anxious and really don't have anyone to talk to or know what to do. Please help. M.

I am so sorry about what you are going through. I am sorry to say that I personally would take those texts as suspicious even regardless of his past history. In addition since he has this past makes it worse. I do not see why he would tell someone to come down because he is alone plus the fact he is being very protective of his phone. I know this is very hurtful to you and believe you deserve the truth. I do not know if you mind telling him that you looked at his phone. If you do not mind that then I would definitely recommend mentioning it to him. When you do bring it up do not judge or get angry rather show your concerns and see what his response his as well as if it makes sense to you. Then go from there depending on what he says and his reactions. What is important is keeping the communication open and taking care of yourself right now. Do not argue, but keep the conversation mature regardless of where it goes because that way you will get the most out of it and he will be unable to turn himself into the victim. I am here for you if you need further help please reply. Also, in the future feel free to request me for help. I will be here for you.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thankyou so much, I am feeling much calmer and more clear on how to handle this. I think I just needed to get it all out. I'll try mentioning it over the next few days and see where we go from there. Thankyou again.
I am glad you are feeling better and I think that is the best plan.
It is my pleasure to help.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi, just wanted to let you know we spoke about it last night, he was very kind and sympathetic and got his phone out, we went through all the messages and he explained them all but also acknowledged that they would seem strange if you had just read them from outside the situation. I am quite confident and sure that it is innocent and think my worry about New house, bubs, and just being pregnant probably contributed to my anxiety. I also realised after talking to him that if I really plan on trusting him I need to do it completely, not just a bit and still checking up on him, and expecting there to be a problem. I explained some of my worries and concerns in our relationship and he reassured me that he loves me and is never going anywhere :-)
Anyway, I just wanted you to know it all went well and thank you for your advice and support.
Kind regards.

I am so glad that the conversation went well. Thank you for following up with me and I wish you both lots of love and happiness moving forward. Also, Congratulations on all of the wonderful things happening right now in your life together. I wish you and your family all the best with everything.

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