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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Professional therapist
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I went out with a guy for a year, i thought I loved him but

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I went out with a guy for a year, i thought I loved him but never said anything but always showed him my affection, he told me it felt right and that I was the only one that he wanted it to last with and after I'd had a bad dream about him leaving he said he was never going to leave he just knew. After 10 months together he said he wanted to be with me forever I said good. He said it again a week later that I was stuck with him forever. 2 months later he left me, my question is, is this normal? He gave the reason that we had no connection and not enough in common to talk about and said he had been having doubts for the last 2 months (since he had said he wanted to be with me forever) I realise that things had started to become routine and a little boring as all we did was get a takeaway and watch a film, he wasn't working and had no money and i paid for everything but i was beginning to run out of money too after giving him some money for food and rent, i tried to vary things by buying us a barbeque so that we could have something to do together during a sunny day as i never saw him in the day, i took it to his house but he left it for a month during sunny days and never took it out of the box. he had complained that we didn't do coupley things together, i asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didn't know...go for a walk. I had asked him sometimes if he wanted to go to the bar he liked on a sunny day and play pool and he said no, i took him to another bar another time and he just complained, i asked him at New Years did he want to go out he said no, i asked if he wanted to come to see me salsa dance he said no, i asked him did he want to go to the cinema he said no he hated the cinema, he didn't want to come and see any bands i liked. When he split with me it was just a couple of days after we had celebrated out first anniversary together, next day he caused an argument over nothing, then later on the phone when i asked why he was going to his friends birthday party without me he said he had been having doubts, I went round and he said he didn't feel for me like he used to and wasn't as attracted to me as he used to be, we had no connection and not enough in common to talk and i left. This was 6 months ago. A month after we split he was with someone else. Also after we split I realised he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I have read a lot about it now and he fits perfectly, explains the way he treated me, I was very giving, patient, understanding,compromising, accomodating but he was not giving, talking about other women, need for constant attention, extremely selfish, manipulating, argumetative for nothing calling me a c*nt, no empathy for my feelings, blaming me whenever I brought anything up, he even told me he was selfish and only sensitive to himself and laughed about it. Why would he say to me he wanted to be with me forever then leave two months later? Is this normal for a guy in a relationship? Is it that he just got bored when the honeymoon phase was over? Is it normal for a guy to leave then? Is it because he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder? (he is 26 and I am 41 but I am attractive and I don't look my age)
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

In general, I would say that it is not normal for someone to leave so abruptly like that after having stated that he wanted to be with you forever 2 months before that. However, if you know that he is extremely narcissistic, that does make it much more likely that he would behave this way. Between the insensitivity for your feelings, and that he blames you for problems that he clearly contributed to, that is a combination that will most likely continue to cause him to have problems in any relationship that he enters into.

People who are narcissist have a tendency to live mostly for themselves and "in the moment." It is certainly possible that when he told you that he wanted to be with you forever that he really meant it, and then when the honeymoon phase was over he wasn't willing to put the necessary effort into work through problems and talk things out. Narcissistic people tend to be more selfish and impulsive, and in that way end up hurting a lot of people because that often causes them to have problems with any situation that isn't consistently benefiting them or making them happy.

It does seem possible that he could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However, even if he doesn't, what you've described is a personality type that often struggles greatly in relationships. If you've been having a hard time with all of this, or find yourself blaming yourself for what happened, I would highly recommend meeting with a therapist. It sounds like you made every effort to make this work, and deserved more than what you got from him in all of this. I definitely wish you the best, XXXXX XXXXX there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for you reply, just one thing i want to know now, he seems infatuated withi his new girl, he met her befor me and dated her three time s and said he hd a big connection with him, she is into all the same stuff as him such as gaming and anime cartoons, but she had a bf and she woudnlt leave him ayear later she see on fb that i am going to meet him so she suddenly pops up and says she has feeling for him so after my first date with him he put me aside to persue her but she kept making excuses about a lack of money to travel to him plus again she had a bf and in the end she woudldn't leave him, so my ex came back to me and seemed to forget her for a while. This is now the girl he is seeing. Being a narcissist is he going to treat her better than me or is he going to go through the idealistaion, divalue and dicard with her even though he had more in common with her?

Most likely even if he treats her better at first, this relationship with her will run into the same type of problems that ended yours. Knowing that he is impulsive though, it may not be surprising if he changes his mind again, or has problems with her that cause this to fizzle out. Unless something drastic changes about his personality, it would be hard to imagine him suddenly getting into a perfectly stable relationship with anyone for a long period of time, so I would suspect that this relationship will eventually end for similar reasons. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. Hang in there and all the best,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Last thing I want to ask you and thank you for helping me, I appreciate it. I always have been a little shy but with my previous boyfriends I could always talk to them, we didn't need to be sitting watching films everynight, we would talk a lot but I found with this ex that i was anxious with him and found it not so easy to talk to him, I used to have to have a glass of wine before i went to his house for about the first 4 months. he once blew up at me in a rage because i told him i was feeling quite, this was the worst rage I had seen and lasted and evening and a day. I used to dread the film ending because i didn't know what to talk to him about, i've never had this before has this anything to do with his Narcissistic Personality Disorder or that we really didn't have enough in common. i took an interest in his interest but his interest were very narrow such as gaming, I would sit with him whilst he played but he would never let me play and he never took an interest in my interests, I asked him if he wanted to see my art portfolio and he said no.

I'm very glad I could help :) Considering this guy had the potential to blow up at you because you said you were feeling quiet, it is no wonder that you would generally feel anxious around him, even to the extent that you needed to have a drink before you went over there. It is difficult to form a good bond with someone who doesn't take an interest in the things that interest you, no matter how hard you try. Since you weren't like this in previous relationships and this isn't normally a problem for you, that would usually mean that the problems was more due to this particular ex and his inability to open up.
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