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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Hi, back in October my husband said he was no longer in love

Customer Question

Hi, back in October my husband said he was no longer in love with me, I then found a message on his email to a work colleuge and it turns out they had kissed. He told me he would end it with her. Things did not improve much between us, he will Bly hug me if in very upset and says his feelings have not changed. I found put Christmas eve that he was still seeing her. Again he has said he has finished things. Things between us are really bad, he says he is trying but his feelings have not changed. I think he may be in love with her. After lots of begging him to go I finally gave him an ultimatum that if he stays he has to try. He says he is trying but has not a single positive thing to say. We have 2 small boys. I love him very much but should I leave or stay and give it some time?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 4 years ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry to hear this, it sounds totally agonising for you. I'm wondering if you have both considered trying to talk to someone that is not involved at all. There are various things possibly going on here such as his lying and his deceitful behaviour towards you. You have given him opportunities and chances and tried to offer the marriage something and it doesn't seem like he's reciprocating at all. You clearly will be feeling as though you're giving everything you have and certainly if you're willing to take him back and give it another go, then maybe trying to talk to someone such as a couple counsellor cannot do any harm?

Here are some links for a few services, you could also consider support individually for yourself if he's totally against the idea.

Couple counselling: Relate

Individual counselling and you may find some counsellors specialising in couples work here too: BACP

Please do have a think about this as I'm uncertain what your support network is at present. You could also sign up for free counselling with your GP surgery, but bear in mind that there may be waiting lists.

Additionally, you need to be aware that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and you need to take care of you and your boys. I'm sure you're aware of this, but your emotions indicate to me that you're trying to make the right decision but are currently unsure what that might be. I can't tell you what is right for you but you will deep down know what is the best decision for you; you may need to consider some strategies in the mean time to try and get things back on track?
Perhaps you could talk to him and suggest that you both try and get out more, is there anyway that you could meet up for coffee during lunch or try and go out for a meal? Maybe try and find ways to make your time more special. (I know this may require a huge effort on both your parts, but it can't hurt to try and make a go of things through these types of means?).

Furthermore, I'm uncertain whether you are both still intimate with one another, maybe try and think about getting the boys to bed early and spend time together? I'm not saying these things will change everything but it will go some way in trying to get you both to re-engage again?

I really do wish you the best and hope you make the decision that will ultimately bring you happiness and peace, however it may require some time before this can occur.

I hope this response was helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Kind regards, Karin

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