I'm wearing a pair of butterfly earrings my aunt gave me when I was young, I found them on Saturday when I was sorting my earrings to hang on a jewlrey tree. They are a bluey green, one of my favourite colours. One stays upright, but the other just won't and insists on being upside down. I thought how apt, it's how I feel, trying to fly free, but being pulled back down by some force, like Helen says, I flying lopsided, all a-kilter.
I cried til I slept last night. My sleeper wasn't enough, I was really tense and jumpy, had to take Diazepam to calm me. I don't remember what my thoughts were.
Today I made a hard decision, unbearable, but I am in too much pain to cope, my left hand is giving up on me, and it's too much to keep the dogs clean, and I am too exhausted. I phoned D this evening to tell him I'd be bringing the dogs to the Barn before I go to work in the morning. That reminds me, I must give them another anti-flea dose, they have been clear for many weeks, I don't want to start again.
He said fine; then said he wanted to talk to me, asked me if I had any preference to which Estate agent he gets to come value the property. That was a little scary; I said no, get Stags, we always use them, plus 2 others, I wasn't bothered. He said as I know he doesn not want this to happen, he wants me and Poppy to move back in, live in separate rooms, he finish the work that needs doing, then we decide in a few years what we want to do. I said one thing is certain, and that is that I will not ever live with him again. He said he's sorry he's hurt me, but right now I'm really hurting him, that he cries (I said you're not alone- he said yes he is....), that he is on the edge of a large precipice, I said I've been there for several years. He said he has no idea what why I have felt as I did, I said I've told you many times. He said I should write it down so he can read it over and think on it. There is no point, it's too late. I told him the only way we can keep the Barn is how my solicitor has suggested, he goes, Poppy and I stay for 4 years, then we decide. He siad he can't go, can't afford anything, all his money would go on rent. I said you should be able to, you earn £20 per hour, I earn £7.... yeah but it's work that comes and goes... Big sigh. I said are you in touch with your solicitor, he said just messages too and fro, he doesn't want to pay £200 and hour. We (he and I) should be able to sort this out without solicitors, just between ourselves. He has been told he can't just do nothing (not sure by whose solicitor), if he does it will go to court and cost a lot of money. He doesn't want that to happen, he wants me and him to have a cosy chat, and me say yes Dave, just as you say Dave, of course if that's what you want Dave... So I guess that's why he's getting on with an Estate agent. It will be what it will, but without a shadow of a doubt we will not be under the same roof again. Sam doesn't want it, nor does Poppy.
I didn't want the conversation at all, but polite as I am I didn't hang up. I asked him though when my post arrived. He said he wasn't sure, the day before he thinks, but he is NOT holding back my post (!), though I made no comment to that effect. He said he'd left it on the window sill, but it definitely wasn't there. Anyway, no matter.
Then he began on about something else (more of the same) but I was done, walked through the house with the phone to my ear but not listening, waiting to lose signal as I knew I would. He began to break up, then I hung up. I know I should be stronger and stop the converstaion, it is still harassment even over the phone, next time. I thought I'd be in control if I phoned to tell him bc I'd not have to make a physical break away.
Helen came to say goodbye this evening, she is flying 'home' to Ghana tomorrow. She says I'll be fine staying with mum and dad for a week, they'll be very happy to have me there. I will feel like a fish out of water with Poppy staying at friends (I hope that tells D something that she doesn't want to go back to her room, poisoned now, what is the matter with him? He slept in my bed on New Year eve bc Sam was in Poppy's (not too well I believe)
Must sleep, feeling overdone. Hope to sleep easier tonight. I think I'll change my earrings!!!
Goodnight Kate, my friend and ally,