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Ask Karin Samms Your Own Question
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Hi im currently dating a lovely man who lost his wife through

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Hi im currently dating a lovely man who lost his wife through breast cancer 5 years ago, He has all her photos lots of them in every room, I got quite uncomfortable when he took me to his house over new year .Iam not the jealous type but he keeps telling me how much he loved elaine. He said he has had friends with benefits and one relationship but it never went anywhere. He said he is in love with me and I remind him of Elaine am Ia substitute idont want to be. Ihave been on my own for 13 years had a few boyfriends 2 but nothing special.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this at present. He sounds as if he would want to move on but clearly hasn't as yet from Elaine. She played a huge part in his life it seems and to lose someone through those circumstances must be very hard for him.
I'm uncertain how long you have both been dating but it seems you and he are both keen on each other.
It might be worth you communicating to him how much you too, care for him and would love to progress things further but you would like him to gradually begin to let Elaine go and whether he could see himself doing that. You could explain that your observations indicate from his home that she is a constant presence there still and a reminder for him of her loss. I wonder how this feels for you?
You're right in your stance to not wanting to be a substitute and you have to hold that thought firmly as you will be hurt otherwise in the process.
See how talking to him one to one about this in a calm manner perhaps goes - the choice is yours, if you want to pursue this relationship further then it sounds like you will need to work on it before you can totally allow yourself to 'let go' seeing as it is a new relationship.
Good luck and I really hope he sees the person that YOU are and certainly not the previous person he was once attached to. You have a lot to offer him and perhaps you could convey this to him too and that if he wants to pursue this with you, he too, needs to take a chance and let go.

Here is a resource by 'Kübler-Ross and Kessler' that might help you (and him) to understand a way of looking at grief and how he could begin to let go:

Best of luck, I hope this response was helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly accept my answer and rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Kindest Regards, Karin

Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Hi Carol,
Just touching base with you and wondering how you got on with my response. Did you make any final decisions or are you reflecting on things?
I hope all is well with you; you know where I am if you need further assistance or support, just put "Hi Karin.." at the start of any new questions and I will do my best to help you :)
Take care, Karin