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Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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My pregnant girlfriend (19) pretty much broke up with me (20)

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My pregnant girlfriend (19) pretty much broke up with me (20) over a text-message. When we first found out she was pregnant, we both agreed to get an abortion. Things were okay during the first month, but we never really sat down and talked about it all - we just thought it would work itself out, I guess.

I tried being supportive, but I was emotionally caught up in myself. I was getting really attached to the idea of us having the baby, and raising it together, but I was too distracted and too much of a coward to talk to her about it. Even though I liked the idea of it, I knew it wasn't the smart choice - given our situation in life and our plans on getting an education. It was really conflicting for me, and I'm sure she was just as conflicted as me. Looking back, I wish I had the balls to bring it up with her.

On top of the pregnancy, I've been pretty depressed about my family-situation. My sister is a drug addict, and around the same time we found out my girlfriend was pregnant, we learned that my older sister had dropped out of rehab and started doing heroin. We thought she was doing great. I was so disappointed in her, and I had all these conflicting emotions about it all. I was angry, depressed, sad, disappointed and I tried hiding it. That's just how I handle these things, I guess.

Me being depressed affected everybody around me - including my girlfriend. I was always irritable, always feeling tired, not wanting to do anything, and I lashed out at occasions.

Not knowing what I was going through, and to what extent it was all affecting me, my girlfriend - being an insecure person - probably thought it was because of her. Which it wasn't. I love her more than anything, and she means the world to me.

Her not wanting to be intimate with me really affected me as well. At that time, I didn't really understand what she was going through. I felt hurt and neglected when she didn't want to have sex with me and kiss me and so on.

I always tried to assure her that I loved her, and I tried doing as much for her as possible, like taking care of her dog, making her food and running to the store for her. But sometimes, I snapped at her because I was stressed and feeling down, and I hate myself for it.

Anyways, after spending a couple of weeks at my house (Still living with my parents) she had to spend time with her family, and it came on a very short notice. It was the first day off for the both of us in weeks, and I had planned for us to sit down together - in private - to try and talk things through, about everything. That didn't happen, and I was disappointed. I didn't even give her a proper good bye. Looking back, I was acting like a child.

Once she left, she became distant. She didn't really seem interested in talking to me, not answering her phone. She didn't text me like she used to. She seemed casual and disconnected.

Whenever I tried getting her to meet me, to talk about things, she came up with excuses. I tried being understanding, and suggested another day and so on. She didn't seem interested, though.

Two weeks go by, and I get the text. The day after, I send her a long email (She didn't want to talk to me face to face or on the phone) explaining what I felt about the pregnancy (I didn't feel like involving my depression at this point), telling her I would love to raise a child with her, and that if she wanted to keep it, we would make it work.

At first, she told me she already had the abortion without telling me (I was supposed to be there with her, like we had talked about earlier), and then she tells me she hadn't done it yet, that she had only made the appointment. I'm super confused at this point. I'm only trying to do the right thing, and she's acting so cold and indifferent. When I told her that I wanted to be there for her, she told me she was doing it alone.

The day she broke up, I told a friend about the pregnancy as I needed someone to talk to. Him, having good intentions, tried talking to her about it. Apparently, nobody was supposed to know, and now she knows that he knows. f**k.

She texted me saying we would never talk again, and, get this, now she's telling me she was never pregnant to begin with. Apparently, she took another test the day after she broke up with me - the same day she first told me she had already aborted it, and then changing her mind later. Why would she lie about that?

I'm so hurt and confused. I love her so much, and I would do anything for her. She won't even see me (She says she isn't ready yet), coming up with excuses. I visited her once, delivering some christmas presents, and she seemed so sad. I'm assuming she's still pregnant, and I want to be there for her, but I have no idea how. Do I just wait?

Dr.G. :

Hello, It sounds like you've been going through some very difficult interpersonal struggles with your girlfriend and really your whole family as well. Your primary question is about your girlfriend and you're wondering if you should wait for her, until she is ready to see you? Is that correct?


Well, first of all, I would like to try and perhaps understand what she is going through, so I can prepare myself for when - and if - she is ready to see me.Most of all, I would like to be completely open with her, lay my cards on the table, and give her insight into what caused me to be like that (And assure her that it wasn't her fault, and that it's not who I really am), as well as be there for her and show her how much I truly care for her, and I would like to know how I can go about doing that.


I've read a lot about what pregnant women go through, and I've read A LOT about the effects of hormones in search of an answer. At nature, I'm a very analytical person, and I always strive for an answer that satisfies me - which I have been unable to in this case. I have climbed out of my pit of despair and depression having managed to sort my head, and I see things so much more clearly now, and I want to be there for her, and focus entirely on her and truly understand what she is going through (Even if she doesn't want a relationship with me. She still means the world to me either way)


In short? I want to understand, so that I can be there for her, and show her that I truly care for her, and that I'm ready to assume responsibility for everything


Is there anything I can do, short of just waiting for her to come to me? My intuition tells me that pushing for her to meet me will only stress her further, and make matters worse


My only fear is that when she is ready, it'll be too late


I'll be awaiting your expertly answer, Mr. Expert :)


Oh, and I should probably mention that she keeps coming up with (stupid) excuses for not wanting to see me or talk to me. At one point she said angrily wrote that she didn't want to see me because she" knew what I would do" if she did. She basically accused me of wanting to manipulate her. Then she told a mutual friend that she didn't want to see me yet because she would feel bad for me if she did, yet she had no problem being downright cruel to me over in writing. And that one time I saw her, the 23rd of December, I was lighthearted and relaxed, making jokes. I didn't even mention the relationship, and, when I asked her if we could talk, she said "Not now" or "Not yet" (I don't remember exactly). It's so irrational, and it doesn't make sense. It's so frustrating


And I don't even know if she's still pregnant; I can only assume that she is without much certainty. I'm not buying the whole "I was never pregnant"-deal, though. Too many contradictions for that to be true, in my mind


Probably more of a reply than you bargained for, but what can you do? It's a complex situation haha


People tell me I should just forget about her and move on, but I can't do that - not when there are so many unanswered questions and when things are the way they are


So that's not an option for me, really. I believe it's worth fighting for


Another thing I should probably mention is that it's been almost a month since she broke up

To try and put a complex problem in simple answers... You are very articulate in your thoughts and feelings. The problem is that she needs to hear this. The other problem is that you don't know where she stands with her feelings. And you are definitely right to want to respect her decisions and to not push yourself upon her. So, with all that said, I think you need to write her a letter, just as you described everything above. That way, you get your point across, you let her know you are there for her, and it is less confrontational. Start there and see where it takes you. I can't guarantee anything, but at least it is a step in the right direction. Good luck to you.
Just sending a reminder to click the accept button so I get paid for my time with you. I hope all is well. If you need anything in the future please let me know.

-Dr. G.
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