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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Professional therapist
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I am currently on holiday with my partner. I found these texts

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I am currently on holiday with my partner. I found these texts to his ex lover who he said he never had a relationship with, they were just travel companions. She is also an employee of his and I run my own business from his office so we all work together.

"I didn't mention, and probably shouldn't, but every time , including now, that I'm down south... I can't help but think of you (a lot) & the fun trips we had. Xo. D"

"Rest, little Nic. I shall return soon to make all well. I am a master of restoring good health & relationships (with the exception of my own, of course). D"

"Next week or whenever you can.....
I've left an envelope with your name on it atXXXXXConcierge desk. In it you will find a receipt for a 46" TV.
Pls take the receipt to Best Buy (address on receipt) & ask the to load in company car (would not fit in mine when purchased just b 4 leaving 4 Nevis).
Take TV to 1166 concierge & ask them to transport it to my Suite (1204)
Pls accompany them. I have given them a letter giving u permission to enter. Ask them to unload TV in the master bedroom. An installer will do his thing after I confirm delivery next week.
That's it!
Also, and this is entirely optional, my bottom right-hand dresser drawer contains my sweaters. You may wish to savor the sweet scent of me on the sweaters to remind you of my manly self whilst we are separated for yet another week. This shall help time pass more quickly until we are once again able to hold each other in our
arms & make you feel whole. LOL!"

We are still on holidays. How should I react to this information. I am thinking I should call it a day at the end of the holidays. We have just moved into a new home (we previously lived in his marital home where his wife deceased. This woman has been an issue for his wife before she died and also with the person he saw before me. Why is he not with her. He is much older and can't have normal sex or impregnate. She wants to get married and have children.

Need your help.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about what you've found out about your partner. It must be especially difficult since it seemed like your relationship together had been progressing by moving into the new home and going on holiday together. While I can't explain why exactly he is not with this other woman, it is certainly possible that it has to do with his inability to have kids, or provide the life for her that she really desires.

Either way, it sounds apparent that his relationship with her has never gone away for good, or if it had, he has rekindled it again. Knowing that this woman has been an issue in several of his last serious relationships, it does make it hard to believe that he would end things with her completely. However, a lot depends on your willingness to give him another chance, and if you confront him on the issue and he seems genuinely willing to work on your relationship and perhaps also attend couples counseling together, it is certainly possible for him to change. You may be able to tell a lot by how he responds once he is confronted with the information that you have uncovered.

The larger problem may be whether or not you feel like you'll ever be able to trust him again. Based on the texts, it sounds as if this has been going on for some time now. If you feel like this will continue to be a problem, or that you will always be on guard from this point forward, then it is probably time to call it a day and end the holiday. If that is what your instincts are pointing towards, I think that is important to listen to. In that way you can get some space and decide exactly how you want to handle this moving forward, and whether or not it is possible for you to stay in this relationship.

I know you're caught in a tough position and I definitely wish you the best with all of this. If there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Ryan LCSW and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks Ryan. The question is, how do I cnfront him and when. My thoughts were the night before we leave (his ex is planning to break up with her man then s well). You are correcr, its not he first time. seen emails asking her to movie in the past. emails where tey talk about me. The issue is she works for him and he will lways have to communicate with her, though she is the only employee he takes to lunch (I am never aware unless I find out een though - m in te same office), the only employee he texts all the times, who he invites to our home (usually without me knowing), whom he asks to take him places etc. I don't see how it will work with 3 of us in a small offic. I can't imagine going back to work and she asking about my holidays knowing the type of communication they have been having. I think we can only make a go of it, if she is not his employee. His affair started with her shortly after she started at the company when his wife was dying. Before she got terminally ill, she was in the process of ending her 30 year relationship because he had cheated on her and given away 1000s of dollars to the person he was seeing.


In summary, the question is when and how do 0i confront him? Is it fair to say I will only reconsider if she is no longer working with him (which means I have to be prepared to end the relationship). It is also not in my best interest to move my business from his office because we share staff (all except her). We are still on holiday and am reallyfor all sake (his daughter and her fiancee are also with us)

I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you. There probably isn't a 'best' way to confront him about this, but I do think that you are entitled to handle this in whatever way you feel is best for yourself. If that means doing it the night before you leave, then there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with that. In terms of what exactly to say, it may actually be better to let him do the talking and see what he says after you make him aware that you've seen the messages between them. That may take some of the pressure off of you and also be interesting to see how he reacts to the information.

It only seems fair for you to set the conditions moving forward since he is the one who put you in this position. If you will only reconsider if she is no longer working with him, that seems understandable, but I agree that you may have to be prepared to end the relationship. Hang in there and best of luck with everything.


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