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Hi and thanks for writing JA
are you here?
Thank you so much for writing JA and I have read your post and am sorry you are in such a quandry.
yes I am thanks
Hi, you there?
So good to see you.
I have dealt with this since my teens
so let me understand this as you wrote
My family were quite religious and eventhough I lived abroad from the age of 15, they still had tight reins on me.
you are worried about promiscuity> is that our issue?
okay I understand that
Well, I think the first time I realized what was going on
was when I debated whether to have sex...
my first experience on an intimate nature was aged 28
you decided to have sex
so let me ask you to back up just a bit
so why do you think this is promiscuous
I had struggled with being openly sexual and hiding it throughout my teens since the people in our faith would somewhat ask you to suppress it
Well, the promiscuity is because I am married now
so let me get this straight
I have struggled for one year and been married one year.
okay new info, thank you
okay help me to help you on this
there is a man who has been aggressive assertive in behaviour
who has shown interest for the last year...from the point of my engagement and still is.
he happens to be very attractive to me.
okay and that is still a problem?
Why I don't just walk away is because I like the attention and for the last year, it's been tough with hubby and myself working pretty hard and having postgrad exams.
you are male or female?
okay I see
and let me let you type now
My issue is that the thoughts have been more intense re this man
and you think that is abnormal or pathological?
you think this?
in the last 4 months...after I smiled at him and he was staring at me (which he seems to do from time to time)
what's abnormal or pathological?
It means abnormal, not right
No, I know what it means but wondering what you mean?
You said 'is it abnormal or pathological?'
I mean that even though you are in a committed relationship it is not unusual for others to stare at you or make overtures
I asked what are you referring to? My behaviour? :)
that is not unusual
no I am referring to his behavior, the man who is staring at you
no other men/women staring at us is not unusual
so if you know that is common
I've had many men stare at me. I've even had men wait for me outside of stores eventhough I never met them before.
what is the worry, help me to help you on this
The thing with this man is that he is doing more than that...
okay so you are attractive
and the man is doing what else? please
But this man is not walking away eventhough I have a ring...
are you attracted to him as well?
he has adopted a new stance...the Italian/Spanish approach...
is that the issue?
not saying much, assertively coming close up in order to entice me to speak with him. He has also paged me (which is pretty out of his character)...I know he gets happy when I'm around but then tries to get my attention,etc
so tell me what you want?
I am attracted to him and have found it hard (in previous weeks) to not stop thinking of him.
do you want him to leave you alone or do you wish for him to pursue you?
okay I get it now
so, here is the thing
This is the issue...I like what he's doing and yes I would bed him, but I am married
you are committed to another and enticed by this mans overtures
I understand this completely
HOWEVER things haven't been so spicey and yes, I have tried but when overworked and have an overworked hubby, it doesn't happen
there is no buzz or much of a spark these days
okay, so what is your wish? what do you hope for?
how long have you been married?
we do have fun from time to time but like tonight, we didn't have much options...and in the end, he went to watch a movie and is now asleep. I'm up in the living room and as usual with my lover ('my laptop') as he puts it
We're married 1 year but know each other 6 months more. So we haven't really gotten to know each other as well.
okay I understand
how old are you and how long married, please?
sorry to be so tedious and boring,
I wish my husband was more adventurous but he's more interested in learning about Jewish roots. We're both in our 30s
your question is very very hard so bear with me
Who's tedious and boring?
Me, I AM TEDIOUS AND BORING RIGHT NOW
no you're not...didnt think that.
okay, I have to say this and it is not so comforting so bear with me
I listen to people an hour at a time. This is nothing
if you are unhappy in your marriage you have to rethink this
and I would also say that you should not consider a new relationship no matter how enticing or attractive until you extricate yourself from your current marriage, and just so sorry to tell you this
I am not a judge just a therapist but I would say
if you are attracted to a man outside your marriage I would rethink the marriage and go for the guy you are attracted to
Well, this is the weird part...we got married quickly since he really wanted to be married. I hadn't really thought about it eventhough I gave it the green light. He was a bit whiney and seems to hold it against me for saying maybe we can postpone. He said his family (who are not rich) had already paid tickets and so it would really not sit well.
okay I am so onboard with what you are saying
so you married under pressure
I so get that
On getting married, I recall thinking well yes I'm married but this is sort of like a longterm relationship so take it in my stride.
what do you want? what is going to make you happy?
However now that I'm in it, the reality is that I'm somewhat 'trapped.' That sounds awful but I equally do love him and would be heart broken if we did split.
I am so sure you love him, but tell me what will make you happy> what do you want in life?
Our sex life isn't the greatest. i seem to not be able to trust him with enticing me. He really feels it's his biggest challenge and we've considered counselling here.
okay so tell me what you wish for?
That's it. I'm not sure. about 2 weeks ago, I came to the conclusion that whether I got with this other man or many others while in this relationship (which is the most solid of all the relationships I've ever had - few numbers),
they still wouldn't bring me happiness.
You are certain no one else would make you happy> right?
I have had a low period in my life and 2 years ago I worked in an area where I was quite isolated and had once again, my laptop and my paycheck for overshopping.
okay help me on this please
yeah, I think that's so. The thrill of the chase is simply a distraction and a means to give me a high. I had it with my husband too initially.
are you happy in your marriage or not? can you find happieness elsewhere?
I'm okay. I've felt my husband is pretty much into his studies and now that we're free, I hardly know what to do with him. I don't have many hobbies - I'm usually too occupied with things from work or flat out exhausted.
Throughout college, I had no life. Simply had to repeat nearly every summer.
I was young and didn't have much sense of motivation.
This was an offshoot of a depressive episode as a teenager.
what is your name>
Will it appear in the forum once we sign off?
I'll call myself Jane.
No not at all, but I wish to call you by name.
Jane is fine:)
Look Jane, this is what I think and it might not be my best answer but it is still my answer
I would give this ninety days or three months and I would review it then, the reason I say this is that I see many women in my practice in your position and usually within three months they can make a good decision. I do think you have much to consider and I am not so sure you are in the best marriage for you, but I cannot say from here.
I want to give you a better answer but frankly not enough time
well I'm leaving this workplace from this man in about 2 weeks. Secondly, my husband is the only man who has really loved me. Thirdly, I was in 2 relatively bad relationships (short) before I met my husband. I was out of the 2nd and 4 weeks later met my husband.
Why do you feel this is not the best marriage from what I've shared?
Jane, you are one very smart and insightful girl but frankly I think this needs more time
If you are attracted to a man outside your marriage, I think you just need more time. I think this is a difficult question you need more time to discern. That is not a judgment at all, just a clinical observation. I think you need more time to look at this is all.
Hmm. He's good to me. He cares and pretty predictable and simple. One thing he did do in his past was engage with about 20 different prostitutes when getting over an ex. He had 2-5 fling relationships in that time too. He doesnt like to talk about it. I guess because I dont 'know him' so well, I still fear that one day a woman will get his fancy and he'd leave.
Your husband or your guy which girl?
he on the other hand says that his background is one of those who stick in relationship even though his own family are emotionally divorced. His mother had considered suicide on a few occasions and father was an alcoholic and physically abusive.
My husband was with 20 or so prostitutes.
he was not addicted. he was simply frustrated and didn't want to be involved in a relationship at the time.
I've asked the question, what kind of guy does that...but I believe men tend to do it more these days.
I had no idea.
I feel a little squirmish because I've witnessed 2 incidents when women were openly showing their interest in him infront of me. He would have thought they were just being friendly. It was only afterwards that I would have said to him look she was acting in this way.
oh heck ya
so get that
He would tell me thank you for showing me but with that in my mind (that he would be friendly with them and seem to not think anything of what they are doing) I feel I can't trust that.
I sometimes feel he is pretending to not know what's going on, but then believe him.
oh yea I so understand this
He wasn't really a player in his day. I mean he was in a longterm relationship until about 6 years ago. It took him 3-4 years to get over her.
you are amazing in your tolerance
He never cheated on her.
I don't frame him for his past but in recent days I've had dreams of him cheating. He keeps reassuring me that he's not like that and it's only a dream.
I completely get his
They couldn't have sex for about 3 months at one point and he stuck with her anyway. he wanted to marry her
but she didn't want marriage and they were at the end of their uni. she left for a summer and came back pregnant.
whose child Jane?
A guy his ex met randomly abroad. She also told him that his penis was too big and from what I gather she probably cheated on him a huge bit.
just such a story
He doesn't like to believe or acknowledge it. So, he's a good guy in the midst of all of this. He is very close to his mother and family.
He values family over everything.
I so understand
So, despite the hard loop now, I know the good parts of this man and it's about trying to figure out how to bring back a spark into this relationship.
I get it
this is so so hard
This is snippet of our story:)
so stick with him for three months and see how it goes and in the interim ignore all other offers.
He equally had issue with me being a higher payer and will remain so for a few more years unless we move.
I know you can do this.
You seem to love him so.
Oh Jane, you seem to love him so
He told me on our first date that he doesn't get paid so well. He had a triple paying job before me and likes to mention it from time to time but he lost the job as he antagonized his boss.
Yeah, I do ...it's hard overall though because there are aspects a woman seeks after too...
so? you married him didnt you> so you love him right?>
None of the 3 men I've slept with (incl) hubby have managed to make me orgasm and to them it's almost a detriment.
yeah, I do love T.
okay so that is a different issue altogether but you seem to love this man you married, am I right on this?
I'm pretty attracted to him too and frankly he's even more attractive than the guy who is pursuing me.
Yes, I love my man (T)
I am happy for you on this and I think, at least for now, you should stay with him.
Not everything is perfect and I know I'm equally to blame for the lack...but it's up to us to make it work.
I know that is tough to take,
Does he love you Jane?
do you feel that he loves you Jane?
I would say T loves me more than I do..
He gets so happy to see me home, hates when I'm out shopping and he's home alone
wants to do things with me, keeps giving out about my lover (aka laptop and mobile phone)
okay, Oh my he loves you no end
It seems to be his one line of attack...'you're always with you laptop'
okay, let us say this much...............
can you stay with him for three months and then decide?
he wants to go shopping with me but I know he couldn't cope with 5 hour stretches...
can you do ninety days
I don't think it's a matter of 3 months -less or more. I'm married to T for life. I made this choice.
I ask my clients in my practice if they can do ninety days
I knew what I was getting in to but always thought I would be his one and only prized attraction.
okay so let us just say ninety days and you can look at this after three months, that is all that I am asking you for
I fear him leaving for some reason whereas it's more me who's playing around with strings.
Ok. It will pass quickly, I know that.
A year and half did too.
Jane, we all marry for good, and only fifty percent of us make it forever, can you make ninety days?
I suspect one thing Cathy...most of my life, I've moved -traveled because my family were diplomats. Equally I traveled and changed jobs localities at least once every 6months- 1 year.
I've also never had stable friendships - I've old friendships from my past but in my university years and beyond, I've had only 2 maybe but they equally have lives, family, other friends. I was betrayed by one who I've known since she was 4 (family friend) and another since I was 2(cousin).
I was thinking of doing more dates and activities with my hubby but money, saving and all is usually a problem.
Okay, but I still think you are one very smart and solid woman so I do not care much about your past. You are so intelligent and so insightful. I just wish you would take some time on this.
we went on one date just 2 weeks ago when I wanted to buy him a new coat. He was brought up with family who only bought one or two things every few months. I in comparison buy clothes every month.
Cathy, to be frank, I am in Psychiatry so I'm usually on the other side. Listening and advising.
Just give this a few months and see what happens then? I think your thoughts are so on target, I just think you need some time.
I seem to not believe in my own advice for myself since I am not confident in my own being either. Gets complicated but once again, childhood reasons.
LOL you are also in psychiatry? how funny so you already knew what I was going to say
hehe, yeah, haha. Didn't know you were in Psych.
I find our area to be quite negative unless you're in Old Age Psychiatry. I hope to get a posting there for the longterm.
LOL yep, therapist for 35 years and its so okay, so you are just checking in for validation and I knew that from the start because you are smart and so insightful, okay Jane
It is all okay Jane and I totally get it. You are trying to make the best choice for all and it is okay. Give it three months and then reflect. Such a pleasure to work with you and so not surprised you work in the "field". You rock Jane and I wish you all the best. All my best to a colleague, Cathy
You rock Jane, g
good luck, C
I seek validation many times though...that's what scares me.
you too girl cheers XXXXX XXXXX too. Pleasure to talk to you.